(Closed) **sigh** He’s gained a lot of weight and I don’t know how to deal with it.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I’d suggest not bringing it up as a weight issue. I think it is good to go to the doctor and get checked out every once in a while regardless of your weight or apparent level of health, so maybe try that route so you don’t offend him.

Post # 4
Member
41 posts
Newbee

Sorry to hear about your significant other’s medical issues. Given his weight, he’s probably not sleeping well because he might have obstructive sleep apnea. He really should go see a physician because sometimes weight gain isn’t from eating too much/not working out enough. And if he has been overweight for some time, he needs blood work to measure his electrolytes and cholesterol. Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Question for you… are you concerned about his looks or his health? 

Regarding how to handle it? As a person who has struggled with weight FOREVER, I can say you’re going about it 100% wrong. If my Fiance made comments when I ate things I shouldn’t or mentioned my weight every day I would honestly start to hate him a little. I don’t mean to be mean at all… but its SUCH a sensitive topic it would make me totally lose any confidence I have and I wouldn’t want to be around him anymore. He should be my safe happy place. Not a place of judgment and criticism. 

I know that makes it hard because you do care about him, but you cannot FORCE him to change. You can express your health concerns in a non-judgmental way and make a suggestion for you two to work out together, praise him when he does well, and encourage him to keep on the path… but do NOT criticize him when he fails. I promise that is the fastest way for you to really harm your relationship with him.

Post # 7
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I know it can be tough, but you can’t nag him about this.  You said you say something to him about it everyday- doing something like that can really wear down a person’s confidence over time and actually make them less likely to work out and less likely to think that they are “worthy” of a good, healthy life, if that makes sense.  So the first thing I would do is stop making small comments or jokes about it.  If you want to sit down with him and have a real heart to heart, that’s fine.  Tell him you are concerned for his heath.  Tell him you love him and want him to be around for you for a long long time.  Do NOT make it about appearances.  It doesn’t seem like appearance is really the issue anyway, afterall, he was over weight when you started dating.  So just make it about your concern for his heath.  But after that one heart to heart, you have to accept that he knows how you feel and the ball is in his court.  If you keep bringing it up over and over, he will just start to resent it and may be even less motivated to get healthy.

The other thing you can do is what you already are planning.  Start working out yourself.  Get gym memberships and make sure you go, even when he doesn’t want to go with you.  Losing weight is hard work, and you need to be his inspiration by being dedicated to it for yourself.  Try to find activities you can do together, especially if your fitness level is better than his.  You don’t want him to feel like he will be holding you back, so go on walks, hikes, play sports, anything that the two of you can participate in together that will push him physically.  Make it fun and always stay positive about any progress.  Keep in mind it may be slow- to really get in shape you need to get your heart rate up for an extended period of time.  A lot of people think just walking around the block after dinner will do it, and while any activity is better than none, that really isn’t going to cut it if you have major weight to lose.

Also, eat healthy.  You’re on the right track by not making dessert.  Start making healthy meals and buying healthy foods when you go shopping.  You can’t control it if he decides to eat badly, but you don’t have to enable him by providing him with those foods.  Be careful with this though, because you don’t want to go too far and try to make his decisions for him- if he feels like you are not treating him like an adult and allowing him to make his own food decisions then he will resent that (and rightly so).

Whatever you do, stay positive and always tell him how much you love him.  You need to be building up his confidence, not being critical and tearing it down.  I know that can be really hard when you see people making bad choices that will endanger their health, but you can’t convince someone to change with words, they have to want it for themselves.  In the meantime, just try to set a great example and hope it motivates him to follow you.

Post # 8
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Aw, that is a hard situation. I am sure you only say things to him because you want to watch out for him, but I would bet that he is already conscious of the problem and ignores you out of being defensive. And honestly, at 300lbs, he probably get walk some of it off! At least, it would be a way for him to get started that he is comfortable with before heading to the doctor of having a major fitness overhaul. I think if you both commit to walking together and watching what you eat, it should help him and your relationship. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This is a tough one. I do agree with corgitales.

If you do most of the cooking, make healthy foods (whole grains, veggies, lean meats, minimal amounts of butter/dressing/oil) and try to get him to exercise with you (whether going to the gym, taking up a couples’ sport (tennis?), or just a walk after dinner ever day).  If both of you commit to a healthy lifestyle, you can nip this in the bud, but he has to be just as committed as you are for it to work.

If he really won’t do anything about it, you have to consider whether you want to live the rest of your life like this. I know that’s kind of harsh, but to be realistic, MOST (not all, but most) people GAIN weight over the years, so there is a pretty good chance he will get even larger and more unhealthy as time goes by.

Post # 10
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

R and I are both people who struggle with weight. Neither of us have quick metabolisms, but we do have the ability to get down to healthy weights. We were both overweight when we started dating, and we fall in the healthy/normal range now. But we both have times where we “relapse” for a few months and though we don’t totally get our bad habits back, we will eat way more than usual, or more processed foods, etc. Usually it’s something we fall into together, but sometimes it’s just one person. At that point the only thing that really helps is the other person cooking good healthy meals. Not forcing the “lapsed” person to eat them, or anything, but just having that option there, and staying strong. Makes it easier!

Post # 11
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

In my opinion 300pounds if very un healthy, maybe along with working out you can change your diet up a little? I understand you worry about nagging him, and I don’t really know ya’ll relationship, but I nag Mr.Bobby all the time about it. I really don’t feel all that bad about it, because more than anything I want him healthy. Which is what it seems you want also. As long as you are not flat out putting him down and making him feel like a piece of poop then I think you’re fine lol 

Post # 12
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i’m sorry that you have to go through this! i know N always thought he was super skinny (he was normal), so he tried to gain weight, and now weighs more than my dad.

but PP are right, it is a touchy subject. i know sometimes i bring it up and he does get offended, so i just leave it, and figure that i’ll just start making sure we eat more healthy, and perhaps do more active things together.

good luck!

Post # 13
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Keep in mind that most overweigh people do not eat more than ‘normal’ weigh people.  Eating less is frequently not an option because being constantly hungry is just not realistic.  Healthy food of course is very important for health and excercise is critical. 

Maybe you can aproach by emphasising excercise after making the point to both you and him that excercise is really good for your health whether or not he loses weight.  That might make him less defensive because you won’t seem focused on his weight and also less likely to give up right away if his weight doesn’t budge.  Excercise has a lot of benefits, especially if you can do it out of a gym and make it into something fun.

Post # 14
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I struggle with my weight too, I gained a good 30 lbs int he 5 years Fiance and I have been together and he gained about 20. This year, wedding being a motivator, I decided we needed to get healthy. I am down about 22.8lbs and Fiance is down about 15. but the key is we motivate each other… Do you like to cook? does he? maybe go get a few healthy meal cook books so you can learn together to cook healthy and you can have dessert in moderation, there are plenty of low cal options you can both enjoy..  summer is coming you can grill some peaches which are realy great with and sweet when grilled or if he wants a different dessert go for a long walk and treat yourself with a small frozen yogurt after your walk, better yet share one. Once he sees these small changes are making a difference he’ll be more motivated and super appreciative that you are on his side.  If you make it about both of you he is less likely to get offended.

As far as going to see a dr….. maybe you both should go. Let him know that you want to spend the rest of your life with him and to do that you both need to take care of yourself. make an appointment for yourself too.

Post # 15
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Easy healthy shopping tip #1- cut out all juice and soda (even diet soda, if you can).  Those drinks are just wasted calories, and you can end up drinking hundreds and hundreds of calories in a day without even noticing.  Go for water, or if you have to have something flavored, make some crystal light lemonade or iced tea.  Also, switch everything to whole grain.  It tastes exactly the same, but having whole grain bread, pasta, and cereal is way lower in calories and higher in fiber which, uh, gets everything moving a bit faster, *cough cough*

Also, cut out all eating out for two weeks, just as an experiment.  It’s so much easier to control what you eat when you make it yourself.  Think about how much less deep fried stuff we would all eat if we actually had to set up and use a deep frier in our homes every time we wanted something.  Plus you’ll save a lot of money, which is always nice 🙂

I bet if the two of you committed to do these things just for two weeks, you would see an fairly quick and dramatic result, which may be exactly what he needs: a fairly easy lifestyle change which won’t “hurt” much, but will give you an encouraging result to boost his motivation.

Post # 16
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Experiment!  Approach it not as if he is doing something wrong but as an interesting joint puzzle to figure out.  Realize that many weight loss tips won’t work for him and that it is a process to figure out what does work.

For example, soda has a huge affect on some people, but I have drunk any soda in years and years and had no change when I stopped, it just doesn’t affect me much (in any visible way). 

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