- 4 years ago
- Wedding: December 2015
I am not sure why I am writing this…mainly because I can’t talk about it to anyone but my Fiance, and he doesn’t have any answers. warning: this may be terribly long, possibly incoherent, and more than likely a pity party. Forgive me.
I posted to the “i’m so sick of wedding planning” thread yesterday, about how overwhelmed and tired i have already become from wedding planning. I’ve had GAD and panic disorder for about 10 years, so I’m an early planner when it comes ot events of any kind. So, while I have only been engaged since Aug 5, I have been trying to get the bulk of my planning accomplished. FI and I have been together 8 years, so the surprise of engagement and wedding isn’t really there for us, our families, or our friends. I wanted to elope originally (like, over a year ago, and several times since) but Fiance, family, and friends all want a wedding, and swear I will regret it if I do not have one. Add in that my sister (who I am semi-estranged from) has pretty much threatened to cut me off completely if my niece is not in the wedding (flower girl).
A great deal of my anxiety is financially based- no matter how much money we have, I panic that we will run out. I have been like this my whole life (although diagnoses was 10 yrs ago), to where I could not go shopping for fear that I would not have enough money at the register (I am not that bad now, but grocery store panic attacks still happen once every 3 months or so.).
Originally, we were going to have a 100 person wedding at a state park(planned last year), but visiting there felt terrible, and the food/bev minimums were outrageous for what was being offered, so I was not comfortable with it. We then reevaluated, cut the guest list, and decided on a destination wedding to Lousiana. With a list of only 25 people, I got excited, and found a couple of great venues. My mom then added 5 people, and Fiance another 10, so now we are up to 40. That eliminated most of the venues I had already found (25 person max), and greatly increased our food/bev costs.
I know, I know, it all depends on what our budget is. And here is where the frustration really lies….. FI and I do not make a lot of money, one of the reasons I wanted to elope. I know whoever provides the money makes the decisions, and I want things lovely and simple. My parents are handing us a small chunk (4K), and FI’s parents refuse to commit to a number. They are really bad about telling us they just want dreams to come true, then the next breath is how broke they are. Please don’t take this to mean that I jsut want a blank check written to our wedding…far from it. But FI’s family comes from a higher tax bracket than mine, and have greater expectations as to what we should be doing.
So that 4k from my family, was originally supposed to be for grad school, but as I do not want a master’s, my mom decided I should use it for a wedding. It has to cover my dress, and anything else I want to apply it to. My father just retired on an injury, and my mom is a part-time teacher. I feel nauseous thinking about using that money.
We are getting married next Nov or Dec, but can’t determine a date until we know a venue has an availability. Many of them want a deposit set a year in advance, and as we are doing it long distance, we have to view the venues next month, as it is our only chance before Christmas. So, I am checking out venues and packages for places I only hope we can afford, which makes me sick inside. No matter how I run the numbers, everything hits 5k and keeps rising.
I have also run numbers for just getting married in our hometown, but it gets worse there. Between food/bev minimums being ridiculous in house or with preferred caterers, and a lack of already-pretty-venues that do not need 2k in decor, numbers hit 5k just as quickly, if not faster.
Aside from the venue/budget debacle I am living in, friends are super weird since we got engaged. I don’t like to talk about myself much, so discussing wedding things feels really awkward, and I end up letting other people dominate the conversation. So far, two of my close friends now only wants to talk about THEIR weddings (she is waiting on a proposal and ring, he is still totally single), even while I was trying on wedding dresses. AND DRESSES. I don’t like ballgowns, I don’t want anyone to have to help me pee, and all my friends have looked down their noses at me. While looking at Badgely Mischka sequin gowns, a friend asked “So you just looking at pretties for a party? When we gonna look at dresses?” and I had to explain that i WAS looking for my wedding dress, as I refuse to pay more than $999 for a dress of any kind.
So, a month engaged, and already fed up with plan and people. Is it terrible that I don’t want another 12 months of this?
(I apologize again for the pity party…I seriously hate myself for all of it.)