Post # 1
A little bit of background information.
I am 28 and my boyfriends is 32. We have known each other for 10 months but have only been officially dating for 6. We were very comfortable with each other right from the beginning and have talked pretty openly about how many kids we each want, thoughts on unplanned pregnancy, thoughts on fertility threatment and adoption, marriage and what it means, finances… At first we always spoke in abstract terms “when I get married I want…” But just last month at a wedding for a mutual friend he started talking about what he liked about their ceremony and what he would do differently at OUR wedding.
Anyway, because of our ages I kind of thought that if we were still together at a year then it was likely he would start thinking about proposing. We are taking a big trip together this summer and 2 of our friends are trying to find a way to fly out and join us just for 2 or 3 days while we are gone. The only big thing we have planned is a hike in a big National Park. I mentioned that it would be nice if our friends came out the day we were planning on going to the park and he said no. He said they can come any other time except for that day. Didn’t really give me a reason. It crossed my mind that maybe he was thinking of proposing, but then I convinced myself it was too soon and forgot about it. Then this weekend I was narrowing down plans with those friends and mentioned what he said about our hiking plans and their immidiate reaction was “oh my god, he is going to propose!”
6 months seems early to me. I mean, he hasn’t even met my whole extended family yet (cousins, aunts etc) and I have only hung out with his siblings once. I can’t imagine announcing to my family that I am engaged to someone they haven’t even met. Then again, that isn’t really a reason to turn him down either. I do see myself marrying him, I guess I am mostly concerned that people will think we are rushing into things. We both got out of long term relationships around the time we met (for me it was 10 years). I don’t want people gossiping that I am having a rebound marraige. Then again, I could be getting worked up over nothing. Watch me be nervous and awkward all day during our hike only to have it not happen.
Post # 2
Yeah six months is pretty early, but its all up to the individual couple. Everyone knows the quickly engaged couple who then quickly divorced and everyone knows the quickly engaged couple who stayed together until their dying breath. Is the fact he hasn’t met your family yet the only hesitation you have? Are you unsure of him or unsure of the length you’ve been together?
As far as other people talking, it happens, it’s unavoidable. Gossip shouldn’t impact large decisions to that extent. It’s really up to how comfortable you feel. There’s always the option for a longer engagement or for asking him before a proposal about waiting a little longer.
Do you have any friends or acquaintences who got married fairly quickly? I ask because if you do, you can use that to bring up the conversation with him. ‘Oh I was talking to so and so today about blah blah. It reminded me of how they got married so quickly I was surprised! If I was in their position then I’d feel blah blah.’
Post # 3
You’re right, it might be a good idea to try to bring up a walk to talk about it. I had a thought though since I posted the original message: It is taking a bit of a risk to propose right in the middle of our vacation. Like, I would think he would have to be very confident in my answer in order to plan that. I don’t know if we have talked enough for him to be thinking like that. I thought about telling him to ask me again at the one year mark. I just worry that it will ruin the rest of the trip if I do.
Not to say I would say yes just to please him and then take it back when we got home. I could never do that.
Maybe I am getting worked up over nothing.
I am hesitant over the length of time, but I do see myself marrying him in the future. Maybe a long engagement would be the solution?
Post # 4
…Orr he is worried about your friends’fitness abilities and/or the amount of time it would take to meet up with them when he would rather be hiking all day.
look, if you are worried about this and/or want him to propose at the one year mark, you need to talk to him about this. That is something you two need to be on the same page with each other on. Say something like, “hey, we have been talking more and more concretely about wedding stuff and married life, and I think that maybe we should talk about that a little more plainly.” Fertility and finances are great to talk about in advance, but so are who handles what chores where you folks would live, would you want to live together for a while first, what happens if one of you gets a fantastic job offer in another city, etc. As you talk about that, you can mention that a year together is your ideal for engagement.
Post # 5
All of those sound like good options, honestly. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders trying to be balanced between logic and emotion. So don’t let the situation make you unduly nervous! How long do you have till the trip?
If you have a week, I’d say just mull it over till you feel really at peace over what to do. It all just depends on what type of person you are and what sort of relationship you and your SO have.
And you’re right, he could not be planning a proposal, lord knows I’ve heard plenty of men planning surprises that beforehand surely looked like a proposal yet they ended up being something else entirely. Obviously since you’re not 100% comfortable with the topic though, it’s still useful for you to evaluate how you feel just too know where you stand, even if your hike doesn’t end with mountain top champagne and a pretty piece of jewelry.
Post # 6
Hahaha. Yah, it might be that he just wanted to get in a good work out. My friends are very fit, but also very chatty. Maybe he didn’t want 7-8 hours of that all in one day with no escape?
Honestly, I feel like this is a good reminder that I need to be comfortable talking about this stuff with him. My last boyfriend would literally get upset if I ever mentioned weddings or babies (after 10 years of dating, I’m not even kidding). I guess I am a little gun shy on the whole issue. We have been able to talk time-lines for babies though and we have talked about chores, living together first… even what to do with the financial issues of one of us owning a home and the other paying rent. I guess I just have a little fear that if I talk about actual time lines for marraige that there is a chance he will panic and think I am trying to pressure him. Which is weird, because it is the exact opposite of him thinking about proposing. I think it is just a little bit of baggage left over from my ex. Like, if I bring it up he will start a fight or something. It’s irrational, I know. The only way to get over that fear is to actually do it.
Post # 7
mohbestie: who knows really ;-P my Darling Husband gave nothing away. i had no idea and he ended up doing it on our vaca. the whole time i had no idea!!
Post # 8
I don’t think you should focus on timelines and six months being too short, because for some people it is just fine and others it is way too soon. So it depends on the individual couple. I do think you should maybe bring something up to him, not that you assume he is proposing or anything (because you really don’t know) but maybe somehow talk about your future?
Also, maybe have a long engagment like someone else suggested? That could definitely make it easier to be engaged at six months.