SIL and XMas lists

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 46
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

If it were me, I’d probably ask her what she’d prefer given my budget was 50$.  If she said cash, I’d be okay with that.

I’m going to a birthday party this weekend.  I asked if they had a registry for the 1 year old and was told, no because that’s tacky.  So I asked, ok what do you want?  The mom told me what she would prefer and not prefer and it was helpful.  It was annoying, like the way things were said came off as rude.  But overall the goal for me was to help me figure out what I’d be comfortable doing, and it accomplished that.

 

Post # 47
Member
6799 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Your updates…Oh. My. God. 

I second other PPs about gifting an experience that the two children share. This mother is a piece of work! I feel horrible for her daughter.

Post # 48
Member
2925 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

And I thought I had heard everything.

My friend has a SIL similar to this but she doesn’t favor one kid over the other.  Your poor niece!  Your SIL is off her rocker.

Kids that age either want toys or experiences.  I’d get the boy a Lego set and the girl one of those American Girl look-alike dolls from Target (if she has a real American Girl doll, get her some clothes for it).  Spend what you can afford.  Don’t let her guilt trip you into spending a fortune on them.

Post # 49
Member
7910 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wow. It’s good that the family is calling her out on her behavior. She’s not helping her kids at all with that kind of attitude. 

Post # 50
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

<u>taytay41 :</u>  I’d be getting him a huge box with all the goodies picked from dollar tree!  $50=50 toys!!  Do it.  I dare you….how dare she tell you what to give for christmas!!!!!

Post # 51
Member
889 posts
Busy bee

I would send the list back and tell her she accidentally mailed you instead of Santa Claus and that he can be contacted through the North Pole website 😛

Post # 52
Member
4522 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Umm….I would take this list as a ‘Game On’ opportunity….

I’d be getting the child the noisiest gift or messiest gift I could find! Bongo drums, any playdoh set, finger painting craft sets! 😂

My sister complained that we collectively as a family got her child toys with too many small bits that would be left around the house that she’d have to bend over and pick up. Ironically the next years for her birthday my niece got gifts from everyone with even smaller copious amounts of pieces!!! 😂😂 My other siblings and I had the same thought after that comment when gift giving. This sister tends to be quite lazy…so we all thought good we are getting our own back for all the work you tended to shirk over the years where we’d be forced to pick up your slack!!!

My other thought is to pull whatever you buy out of its original packaging and put it giftwrapped in a decorative basket so that way your sister in law can’t return it for cash or exchange it for what’s on her approved list.

Post # 53
Member
4522 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

taytay41 :  just read your update after posting. Totally sad to read something so callous. What an awful woman. What is your husbands brother sating about all this?? If he had any sense he would take the kids and run and hope that he can help these kids overcome some of the emotional and mental scars that I’m sure ready exist as a result of the disfunction they’ve had to live.

I second gifting experiences may be the best bet. I’d also try and spend as much time with the niece doing things to build her confidence and making her feel loved and appreciated. Sometimes what seems like an  inconsequential guesture for you is a name or break for another and can mean something bigger for the person receiving…

I hope that the children’s father evaluates his life as a result of this.

Post # 54
Member
440 posts
Helper bee

Don’t take it out on the boy because his mother is a piece of work. No 50 gifts from the dollar store or something small and cheap.

I would buy presents for both kids as though I hadn’t received mom’s list at all and then made sure the wrapping was damaged or re-wrap it completely so mom can’t return it. Or make sure the kids open their presents in front of you then helpfully take the boxes away with you when you leave….for “recycling”.

As for mom and daughter issues, mom sounds like a narcissist – they always have one golden child and one scapegoat, unless your niece has been evaluated, it’s likely she’s the scapegoat.

Post # 55
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

Is this woman for real??? I’d still get them both something but I’d be petty and get them paints, glue, easel, chalk, glitter, scissors and messy craft things 😇

Post # 56
Member
1597 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Your update…what the actual fuck. I’d be so tempted to buy the daughter an amazing present and the son one of those “$50 has been donated in your name to the Human Fund” charity gifts. Let your FI’s family call her out and stick to your usual $50 limit which IMO is more than reasonable, especially for a little kid. 

Post # 57
Member
6300 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

It isn’t fair to take it out on your nephew as it isn’t his fault his mother is a witch. I also don’t agree with getting something noisy/messy as PPs have suggested as honestly I just think this would be lowering yourself to her level.

I like the trip/experience idea, or alternatively, I would buy your nephew one item (eg lego) from the list, and your niece a physical gift of the equivalent value. I would also consider putting any surplus into a savings account for your niece, as I suspect her parents will not be doing this for her. Eg if you spend $30 on her, put $20 into an account for her (personally I would actually consider spending say $30 on each of them and putting $40 aside for her, as it sounds like your nephew will never be wanting for anything). At least then when she turns 18 she will have a small amount. You could even suggest other family contributes too; just make sure SIL doesn’t have access to it.

Oh, and I second whoever said she sounds like a narc; her behaviour has narc written all over it. DWIL might be some help.

Post # 58
Member
3062 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’d definitely be responding to the group messages especially where children are concerned. But I’m known not to hold my tongue in situations like these so…

Then I would be gifting cards with experiences like a PP said because in no way would I entertain her nonsense or the potential chance she takes whatever cash you give to only put towards the golden child. If you do choose to send something, I would choose one item within a group from the list that is in your budget and stand your ground.

 

Post # 59
Member
3062 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I like BalletParker : ‘s response. 🙌🙌

Post # 60
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

Sadly, I grew up in a family like your SILs. Instead of my parents having a golden child, it was my Grandmother favoring Grandkids. One year, she bought me a box of dollar store toys for Christmas, and gave my cousins, who are the same age that I am, an all expenses paid trip to Italy. When my parents called her out on it, she said “That I wasn’t my cousins’ intellectual equal and therefore would not appreciate the experience.” When they came back she said that she was so happy that she brought her “intelligent grandchldren” abroad, because they could use the opportunity to “further expand their horizons”. She also boycotted my high school graduation because the college that I chose to attend “wasn’t prestigious enough to warrant her attention.” Yet, my cousins, who were so gifted, didn’t attend college and she went to their graduations. I relate so much to your neice, and I am so sorry her mother is such an awful person. Your SIL will never truly see her for the person that she is, and that is your SIL’s loss. Even now as an adult, nothing that I ever do will satisfy my grandmother, but I gave up trying to please her long ago.

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t punish your nephew and get him a “lesser” gift to spite the mother. That would make you no better than she is. Focus on an experience that they can both enjoy. Maybe even loop in other family members to make it a big family thing. The children will appreciate the memories made so much more than any set of legos or build-a-bear. 

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