(Closed) SIL not coming to wedding (venting)

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Sadly, there is nothing you can do. It’s FI’s issue to deal with, and he has to be the one who reaches out (or moves on).

Do you have any idea why there is such a rift? Not coming to a sibling’s wedding is a big deal. I hesitate to write this, but is there any chance that Fiance has done some that has caused them to not support the wedding? If my sibling had cheated on his significant other or lied to his fiancee, I might skip the wedding too.(Sorry to even suggest that he is dishonest, but it’s the only thing I can think of that he would not explain to you.) Regardless, I think he needs to give you a better explanation as to why there is this divide.

Or maybe they just all suck. But guess what? You guys are starting your own family and you should focus on that.

Post # 5
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@pinkcrush:  Wow, especially after reading your update I just cannot fathom why she wouldn’t be coming.

Are they not family orientated? Is she very focused on just the family she has created with her husband?

I’m so, so very sorry. But if she can’t make this effort then I don’t think you really wanted her to come anyway.

Post # 6
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

People are weird.  When I was engaged to my first husband, his sister got engaged…but their wedding was arranged more or less straightaway, so she was getting married about a year before we were.

For reasons I never found out, she refused to invite me to her wedding.  There was a lot of drama, and I was only 20 at the time, so I took it very personally.  I had tried hard over the previous 2 years to be friendly with her, but to no avail.  She was just like a brick wall.  

The only thing I could ever think of was that about 6 months beforehand I had seen her boyfriend out with another woman one evening.  He looked guilty as hell and hightailed it out of the bar before my Fiance came back from being served and saw him. He was clearly shocked to see me – we’d been at FI’s parents house earlier that evening and he’d been there.  He’d asked me and Fiance if we were going out in town that evening, and we had said no.  Then changed our minds after we left…I’m pretty sure now that her boyfriend had badmouthed me to SIL in case I said something…

In the end I did get invited.  I really wish I hadn’t gone though, I spent the whole day feeling like second best, and she didn’t acknowledge my presence at all…

I’d write her off.  Concentrate on the new family you and Fiance will be creating.

Post # 7
567 posts
Busy bee

@pinkcrush:  Sounds like the family have issues and are being hurtful by not saying why, causing you to wonder what the hell you might have done (in their eyes).

Focus on yourself and Fiance and have a smashing day without these sourpusses there 🙂

Post # 8
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

People are weird.


@Baal:  +1

That is really bizarre that no one seems to know why she isn’t coming. if it comes up I’d straight out tell them you are disappointed.

Post # 9
7405 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You shouldn’t waste energy on people who arent making you a priority. Saying anything other than “Sorry to hear, you will be missed.” is asking for trouble. If your FH wants to say something, that is his right.


Post # 10
987 posts
Busy bee

I’d be inclined to call and let his parents/siblings know that your Fiance is feeling unloved and disappointed that his family won’t be there. That could potentially make things worse but maybe they just don’t realise how much hurt they are causing? I kind of hope that is the case and it’s nothing more (passive) aggressive. 

Post # 13
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@pinkcrush:  Good additional info. Sadly, I think this is the family version of “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Whatever the reason, they are not going to give Fiance what he wants. I think it’s a nice idea to send them a last note but I would keep it positive.

“I’m sorry that you’re not planning on joining us. I know it means the world to Fiance to have you there, so please let me know if anything changes in your availability. We would love to share this special day with you.”

You know, instead of

“Quit sucking and come to your brother’s wedding.”

I think a better use f your energy is to make sure that Fiance has a sense of family form others– maybe it’s your family, maybe it’s his military family, or his group of friends. Good luck, and he’s lucky to have you looking out for him!

Post # 14
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@pinkcrush:  that sounds so rude of his family specially his sister how hurtful, its a mile stone in his life one of the biggest days of someone life most importnat andshe being nasty and unwilling to come its jsut rude so rude … i think your better off with out those ppl really 


do not make the effort , and i wouldnt fly out to any of there events either 

Post # 15
8430 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@pinkcrush:  Im sorry but all guests owe you is a yes or no. It is an invitation and not a royal sumons. No one owes you an explanation as to why they cannot make your wedding.

And please could people on this site stop judging other people financial situations. Without looking at their bank statements etc you have no idea what their financial situation is so who are you to say they can afford it. Maybe they have a resitricted cash flow, maybe they can’t miss work. It doesn;t really matter what the reason is. they have done the polite thing and RSVP’ed and that should be the end of it.

Does it suck when people RSVP no to your wedding- sure. Can you be disappointed- sure. But to start saying they aren’t prioritsing you or they don’t care about you is pretty out of line. Sometimes people just can’t make your event. End of story. It does not mean they don’t love you, it doesn’t mean the hundred other horrible things people say in these sort od threads are the reasons, it just means they are unable to make your wedding.

I think the key thing to rememebr here is that your wedding is the most important day to you- to everyone else it is just another wedding. 


Post # 16
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@j_jaye:  I 100% disagree. For a normal guest I would agree with you and even for aunts/uncles/grandparents, but this is the grooms sister. The expectations on a sibling of the bride and groom are different. Choosing not to attend without any sort of reason is a pretty nasty slight.

 OP, I’m sorry that his family sucks. @HobbyLobbyist: said it best. I’d go with her wording if you’re going to say something. Anything else would just add fuel to the fire, and there’s no point making things worse than they are.

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