SIL Spending more on her dress than feeding her guests

posted 2 years ago in Money
Post # 31
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee

When I go to a wedding I dont base the amount I give as a gift on how expensive i think the wedding was. 

Post # 32
Member
434 posts
Helper bee

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julies1949 :  Covering your plate at a wedding is not a thing, no matter who says it is. 

 

That’s actually the cultural norm for Asian weddings, yes, even for the 2nd generation immigrants to Western countries. The minimum requirement for us is to cover your plate (because this sets a lower bar limit to how cheap a gift you can get, kinda like pricing the cheapest gift on your registry as the equivalent of a plate cost) and then give a little more – if it’s a cash gift. How much more depends on how close you are to the couple, my family recently attended the wedding of an extended family member, plate cost was $169pp, the red pack was somewhere in the $1k range. If it’s a friend, maybe $30-$50pp more.

With gifts, whatever amount you’re comfortable with, although, I’ve yet to attend a wedding that had a gift registry – Asian or otherwise.

The idea is that if you are a generous, gracious host to your guests (as you should be, and feed them well, since food is such a big thing in Asian culture), then they should return that level of graciousness and respect and be willing to cover the cost of their food. 

Canadian 2nd gen. immigrant here. 

Post # 33
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

Personally, I think a pizza and beer wedding sounds more fun than a stuffy formal seated dinner anytime! Ask her if I can come, I’ll buy a nice gift 😉 

 

Post # 34
Member
13888 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just curious – are you attending the wedding because you and your Fiance genuinely love and support this couple, or because you wanted fancy food and booze? 

Your answer to this should tell you how to gift. 

Post # 35
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

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littlemissdimsum :  Just wondering – how do you know what the cost per plate is when you decide how much to give a couple? I’ve always assumed it’s $100-$150 a plate at most of the venues I go to. Just curious if part of the custom of “covering your plate” also means knowing the exact amount the plate costs?

merbear328 :  Spend less time focusing on what your sil is doing. It will make for a much happier life.

Post # 36
Member
9086 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’d be happier with pizza than most food served at weddings.

Post # 37
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

How do you even know all this? You have no idea what she spent. You also likely don’t know what food she will serve. Since you aren’t invited then you really don’t need to get a gift at all; you clearly do not like this woman. But gifts should be based on closeness and budget, not the imagined budget of someone else. 

Post # 38
Member
5218 posts
Bee Keeper

Here’s what I think. The dress(es) could have been a gift same with shoes. Or she’s a good bargain shopper like me (hello Coach purse 20% off already marked down end of season at Macy’s). My wedding dress was a gift. So were the accessories ($1700+). 

But we also took care of our guests. So you say pizza that could be anything from fancy pizza to discount pizza. Either way she will have to pay extra bc it’s a wedding and the usual pizza place won’t be ready on the drop of a hat to cater to 100 people. So don’t knock it til you try it. 

However I will give you this there was a similar post on one if those “worst wedding you’ve been to” and the bride wore expensive couture and had champagne and fancy food for themselves and the guests got something if lesser quality and no booze. Not THAT is tacky and rude imo. There’s no way around it. If it turns out reminiscent of that I’d be miffed too. 

So I like pizza and its rarely got what I’m allergic to in it so I’d be stoked. I never go by cover your plate I give what I can afford and by relation. So usually $200 for the two of us and usually $50 on the shower gift. And $20-$50 bach gift. Also depends. When I was single and broke AF my coworker had a fancy wedding and no way could I afford to cover the plate so I got her a nice card and something nice on her registry. I picked a midpriced thing that her fancy guests would overlook but looked nice and handpicked by her and she loved it! 

Post # 40
Member
8937 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 tl/dr: I hate my sister-in-law. Please validate me. Thx bye.

Post # 41
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

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Daisy_Mae :  LOL yes this!!! 100% was my take away haha

Post # 42
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

I spent 2400 on my dress and 1400 on my food for 75 people, so i guess I’m a bitch ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You aren’t in charge of her finances or her wedding budget, so IDK why you care so much? A pizza wedding sounds bomb AF to me TBH… be a gracious guest and eat what is served, gift if it’s affordable for you and would be appreciated by the couple,  and if you don’t like the plan for their wedding then DON’T GO. It’s an invitation, not a summons. 

Post # 43
Member
961 posts
Busy bee

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merbear328 :  I know that referencing past threads aren’t typically allowed, but since OP is getting a lot of negative feedback I wanted to share a quote from one of her other threads:

Theres been a lot of circumstances when I have come second to mom and sister, to the point that he defends them before he even validates my feelings.  I know this sounds really immature but even in a sentince my name doesnt even come first, even when I’m sitting next to him.  I’m just getting really frustrated with the whole thing because I know how much it sucks to marry into a family that doesnt treat you nicely.  I was that grand kid and my mom whas that DIL I really don’t want that.  I just can’t win with the sister and it was hard enough to get mom to like me (not until he put a ring on it bwt) I don’t want to spin my wheels anymore trying to get her to like me.  Maybe asking her to be in the wedding was me trying to show her that I wanted to have a nice relationship with her.  Now I’m just out of energy for it and I want to have as little to do with her as possible. 

 

OP, if you are still in the same mindset that you were 6 months ago, I can understand where you are coming from.  Your SIL had a shorter engagement, scheduled her wedding just a few weeks after yours, made you worry that people would have to pick one or the other (and pick hers over yours) and now she’s doing something that makes it look like she doesn’t even care about her guests in your eyes — but is still getting a present as if she put a huge effort into hosting.  You sounded like you were working very hard to win over Mother-In-Law and fight for priority in your fiance’s life. So it sounds like here your thoughts are, “She does the absolute minimum and people STILL travel to her wedding and still give them great gifts; all she did was spoil herself! That’s not fair!”

How are things with your fiance? Have you worked on feeling like you have been put first? What about your IL’s, do you feel like they appreciate you and respect you more now or do you still feel isolated from his side of the family?  I was trying to figure out what would make you so upset about her picking where her money goes (I think her idea is great), and then I read what you had previously expressed.  I hope that your fiance is starting to treat you like the most important woman in his life, by now. I would feel terrible too if I felt like I was being deprioritized by people that I cared about. Instead of looking for ways that SIL hasn’t “earned” the favor that Fiance and Mother-In-Law has given her, I think you should continue to work on your relationship with your soon-to-be husband.  I have a feeling that if you felt solidly like you mattered the most to him, the rest of this stuff wouldn’t matter.  We all have IL’s and they aren’t always the best to us. That’s why there are IL jokes on sitcoms. Focus on the family unit you are creating with your fiance and stop letting yourself get upset by this other woman. You probably aren’t even on her radar, so stop wasting your energy creating negative things in your head about her.  Right now, you are creating a problem (resentment) that no one else is going to carry or be concerned about but yourself, and it is hurting only you.  You don’t have to like your SIL, but looking for reasons to be mad at her must really put a lot of extra emotional weight on your shoulders that you just don’t need.

 

Post # 44
Member
35 posts
Newbee

TBH I would love Pizza at a wedding Party.

Post # 45
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Personally, I wouldn’t give them much more than another $100 and if she bitches about it (which she shouldn’t), oh well, ‘go to hell’. 

I regret giving our SIL and Brother-In-Law $500 plus a bunch of other things we did for them b/c they have no gratitude and never even sent us a thank you card.

Learn from me and just give what you WANT to give/are COMFORTABLE giving instead of killing yourself for people who don’t appreciate it. 

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