(Closed) SIL VENT – she's pregnant

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Do BILs kids live with them full time? I don’t have much advice, honestly there’s not much you can do other than maybe encourage your husband to talk some sense into Brother-In-Law…though if he puts up with this at all that’s not a good sign. Really the best thing you can do is let the kids know that you love them and be there for them as they grow up. They will need a resposible adult to be close to if their parents are treating them poorly. I wouldn’t get into the middle of the situation though. Maybe when she has her baby she’ll gain a new perspective and start being kinder to BILs children…let’s hope. From how you’ve described her behavior I wouldn’t be surprised if their marriage doesn’t last long anyway.

Post # 4
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh that would bother me as well! My first husband and his second wife were always trying to get custody of my daughter, UNTIL they had kids of their own. Suddenly my daughter became a second-class family member at their house. Her lovely room was promptly given to the new kid and she was banished to the sewing room. They didn’t even change it into a bedroom for her – she slept in a cot in the sewing room! I was so totally enraged!

My daughter was well aware of her new status in her father’s family after the kids came. She deeply resented her father and stepmother – although she adored her new siblings. Your BIL’s kids will quickly realize the situation as well. I can not tell you what to do but myself, I would start having those poor kids over to my house for a visit, at least once a month – where they could be treated like the treasured family members they are! As for SIL? Politeness is all that is required, not friendship. If she or Mother-In-Law asks why, I would tell them. But I’m like that!

Post # 5
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

look on the bright side – maybe becoming a mother will spark something in her, and it will help her connect with the other children as they gain a new sibilng etc. 

also – you only see her once a month – is it possible that you’ve sort of made up your mind about her already? (i’m just playing devil’s advocate – she doesn’t sound great)

i say that because the way your post is written, you assign her ownership of everything bad and nothing good. 

SIL has already told us they are putting bedrooms in the basement (currently unfinished, and it will be done ‘on the cheap’) for the existing kids

this is clearly a decision made by her AND her husband

Brother-In-Law caved (he wanted to wait) and they started ttc right after their wedding

another way of saying this is ‘BIL changed his mind’ – but your way of saying it assigns blame to her. 

i have family members that i don’t particularly get along with too – so i get where you’re coming from! it just reads to me like, you don’t get along, so when something bad happens it’s ‘her’. 

this could turn things around – and help her see what being a mom is! some people don’t do well as step parents, becoming a mother might enhance their whole family and the relationship she has with her stepchildren. 

in addition – my friend’s stepmother didn’t refer to her and her sister as ‘her kids’ – when asked about it AGES later, the stepmother said that she was acutely aware that they had a mother, and she was trying not to step on any toes while navigating that difficult relationship. perhaps this is why she doesn’t refer to them as her children. 

Post # 6
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@trueblue14:  This makes me so sad: I *was* your daughter.  My dad and stepmom got custody of me right as my stepmom got pregnant for the first time. My dad treated me the same, but she always introduced me as “these are OUR kids and this is _____ daughter.”  It bothers me to this day.

Post # 7
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

So keep in mind this is coming from someone who hates children, but has watched plenty of step/sibling relationships growing up.  There’s a lot to be said for being the Aunt.  The one that his kids can come to when they’re feeling left out.  I certainly wouldn’t exclude the new one, but make sure the older kids know they have someone to talk to, who takes them out for a treat when they’re upset. 

Post # 9
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

@badabing88:  That’s so horrible. I think that’s one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. The feeling of supposed inadequacy would never leave me. I hope your life is much better off now. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@edgebee:  I’m mostly appalled that her husband puts up with her crappy treatment of his other children.  As a father, he needs to be the one setting boundaries.  I’m sure it’s hard to love a step-child as your own, but they come with the package when you marry a parent.  

I can see why you’re upset, the whole situation is a trainwreck waiting to happen 🙁

Post # 11
Hostess
11614 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

This is so sad. I once ended a friendship after my girl friend married a man with a child from previous marriage and demonized the child. So I know how hard it is to watch. 

Having bedrooms in the basement is actually not recommended for safety reasons. If there’s a fire, and parents are on second floor… Ugh. I know you can’t do anything but these situations make me sick.

I hope she doesn’t talk badly about the kids or their mom in front of them.

those kids are going to need a kind aunt.

Post # 12
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

Those poor kids. It sounds like you’ve already decided to just be there for them when you can which is all you can really do.

Post # 13
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Maybe she says his kids because his ex would be upset if your SIL thought of herself as mom/replacing mom. But you know the situation better, so I will assume it is not so she doesnt tread on their mother’s toes. 

Post # 14
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@edgebee:  I’m so sorry you are in the position. My exSIL was a single mom for a long time (father disappeared when she found out she was expecting) and it took her a while to meet someone. She met a great guy that treated her kid like his own son. A year after dating him, she got PG and had another son. Her now husband started to treat the stepson bad. It was bad.

I had a lot of issues w/my exSIL b/c she was WAY too attached to my exH. Our biggest fights were about her. My counselor (yep it was that bad, I sought counseling) told me to be the bigger person and try to find even the slightest good in her. Then be nice to her (b/c my exH thought I was incredibly mean to her and it was my fault) so I did…she never changed, maybe it made family events better for me, but it didn’t take long for her own family to realize SHE was the one with the problem not me. 

I know that might not pertain to you as much but you could always try it. Don’t fake it obviously but try to find one thing you like about her and think about that when you are around her. 

I’d also make sure to treat ALL the children the same. The one thing that my exSIL used to tell me was that even though her and I didn’t get along, I never let my nephew know….I couldn’t help though, I absolutely adored that kid and would drop everything to see him. I was the BEST soccer aunt ever!

Post # 15
Member
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@edgebee:  Is it possible for your husband to have a talk with his brother? A starting point might be, that each child should have an equally good bedroom.

I’ve no idea if it’d work. I’ve seen some horrible unequal treatment of stepkids and it breaks my heart.

Post # 16
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@badabing88:  I’m the same. My dad and stepmum threw my half sister a huge party, then completely forgot about mine. Didnt even say happy birthday let alone a card. It sucks, but it was a good life lesson on how to treat others.

The topic ‘SIL VENT – she's pregnant’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors