Silent treatment/break? SO and I NOT talking to each other

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4747 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

beelinetowhere123 :   I am not familiar with your past posts.  Just wanted to ask if you and your SO are able to maintain a relationship without the inclusion and input of your friends. 

I can see going to therapy with your SO if it is a joint decision, but if someone ambushed me I’d be upset too.

Post # 3
Member
3701 posts
Sugar bee

beelinetowhere123 :  waiting for 10 years and he sounds like a stubborn ass. I’m not sure why you’d even want to stay. I get that you love him, but what about loving yourself?

Post # 4
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

beelinetowhere123 :  I can understand why your SO feels ambushed. He found out that you confided in a male coworker and then you brought him to a house where he and his wife knew your couple issues and then asked about them. 

Not cool. 

Also, if you have the attitude that you are not the problem in this relationship and it’s 100% on your SO, then I’m guessing you’re equally responsible for any issues you two are having. 

Post # 6
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Honestly, I wouldn’t share details with ANYONE about my relationship. That doesn’t make me an emotional black hole or “messed up” as you put it. It means I’m private and don’t feel comfortable sharing my life with strangers. Now your friend is talking in your ear telling you to leave him when he has every right to be upset because he was attacked and insulted by people who have no business to ask him personal questions. If you wanted a relationship chat session, you should have asked if it was okay. You messed up here. 

Post # 7
Member
1942 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

beelinetowhere123 :  I know you said you’re just venting. But I think you need to realize that you aren’t happy in this relationship. You shouldn’t have to feel so sad. 

Post # 8
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I don’t know whether your SO knows that you confide in your male coworker–who is not a even mutual friend–about your relationship, but if I found this out about my FH, I would be very very hurt and upset. Regardless of whether I knew about the confiding going on in the background, the above situation would also make me very hurt and upset. 

I’m not familiar with your previous posts and I can’t say for sure if you are correct that he is the main issue, but the behavior you are describing here (your behavior) sounds pretty destructive in terms of maintaining a healthy relationship. Again, I don’t know the big picture and he might be a lost cause, but this particular story makes me think you owe him an apology.

Post # 10
Member
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

beelinetowhere123 :  Are you the Bee who’s been waiting 10 years for this guy to come around? The one who said she was so fed up she’s turn his proposal down if it ever happened? The one who said July was her walk date?

What. Are  You. Doing?!

 

Post # 11
Member
1942 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

beelinetowhere123 :  if the bad times outweigh the good, it doesn’t matter how much time or energy you have spent on the relationship. If you’re unhappy more than you are happy that is not healthy for you. 

Why is it up to him to get the space and come back? Why isn’t it up to you to get to space and walk away?

Post # 12
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

In my opinion, the “silent treatment” is a very immature thing to do in a relationship. It’s one thing to say that you need some time to cool off before discussing issues, but the silent treatment is not going to get you anywhere. I have never read your posts so I don’t have a ton of background, but not talking about the issue is definitely not going to solve it. 

I may be misinterpreting, but was your friend asking your SO to share the personal struggles of your relationship? (This is the way I interpreted the info, since your SO responded by saying he doesn’t want to share his problems with others.) If that’s the case, then I would be really upset as well, and I believe his feelings are justified. I would be pissed if my husband’s friends were asking me to open up about my struggles with DH if I didn’t even know them well (which I am assuming because you said your SO and friend have only had a quick meet and greet). Even if I did know them well, any issues are between DH and I.

Again, I may be reading this wrong, but if that was the situation, I would be very bothered as well. It sounds like you went into the night hoping to get advice from a married couple who may have gone through similar struggles, yet he probably went into the night believing it would just be fun, lighthearted, and a chance to meet your friends. So that is unfair to pin on him, and its unfair for your friend to judge his character if this is the only substantial meeting they have had. 

With that being said, neither of you should be “waiting” for the other to reach out first, you should want to settle whatever the issue is. If he is constantly refusing to talk to YOU about the relationship issues, then that’s a problem. But you shouldn’t have put him in the position you did by hoping he would talk to your friends about your issues. That was unfair. 

Post # 13
Member
9694 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

beelinetowhere123 :  I don’t recall your past threads, but even if he’s a big jerk, you handled this very badly.

It was sneaky, passive aggressive and manipulative. It was also transparent. I’m not sure I’ve ever given someone the silent treatment, but  if my FI did that to me, oooh boy. 

You ambushed him for “therapy” with a room full of people who believe, based on your words, that he is the problem. That he is messed up.

if you really believe that, it’s time to move on bee. 

No one else is going to be able to “fix” him, following your analogy, and your male coworker getting all psychojudger on your so for not taking his “help” is so arrogant, I can’t even. You are talking too much to this guy, he’s too in your business, and I can assure you, he is not helping. 

Post # 14
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This meetup with your friend sounds extremely awkward. I am trying to imagine myself in a similar situation, and I think I’d feel exactly like your SO. If the agreement ahead of time wasn’t to go there and talk about the details of your relationship with someone he hardly knows, then this wasn’t the right thing to do.

Also, if after 10 years you are just mutually not talking to each other after a disagreement, that’s probably a good sign that things aren’t working here.

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