Post # 1
I’m currently in a situation where I’m deciding if I should continue staying with SO or leaving. If you read the threads I’ve started, you’ll get the jist. Some of you Bees already know me well.
Only yesterday have SO and I started to not speak to each other. We didn’t formalize the decision not to talk. It just kind of fell into place like that. We didn’t talk on the phone before bed last night as we would normally do daily. I feel like I’m currently giving him the space he needs to think things through because recently, I’ve decided that it’s not me that is the issue here. It is him. I feel like he’s more messed up emotionally than I am. Very harsh, I know. Truth hurts. Really.
I have a very good friend here at work whom I’ve known for 4yrs and throughout those 4yrs, I’ve approached him for guidance and advice in regard to my relationship with SO and with life in general. What is ironic is as we got to know each other, we came to learn that we sort of lived parallel lives. So his experience was there with him and his wife and he was able to empathise with me and what I’m currently going through in my reationship. This friend of mine wanted to meet my SO. They’ve met before. But it was a very brief meet and greet. Anyway, SO and I went to my friend’s place on the weekend. His wife and 2 kids were there. Basically, at the end of the day, we all sat at the round table where my friend and his wife spoke of their experiences pre-wedding/marriage life. When my friend’s wife asked my SO about us, my SO said that he’s doesn’t talk about his private life with other ppl and that he doesn’t talk of his problems. My friend took it as him not being able to express or communicate his feelings openly to other people who are willing to help and give advice. My friend compared it to my SO driving a car. I’m in it and my SO is driving us to the “promise land”. Then my friend gives him gas but my SO doesn’t take it.
Now my SO feels ambushed and after the “confrontation” he said it felt like therapy. But it wasn’t intended to be that way. My friend and his wife were just being chatty, open and honest, etc. I was hoping it would be just 2 couples sharing their stories and experiences, bouncing ideas off each other. But my SO was crossed arms and was ready to leave. He was so closed to the idea that any help given will prove beneficial. And now my SO and I aren’t talking. I think it’s because SO needs his space. He needs time to think and evaluate what he wants to do with his life. Does he want me in it? He says he’s going to propose soon. But everything he’s currently doing proves otherwise.
Anyway, just venting here. And also, I’m trying my best to give him the distance and time he needs. I want him to come to me first. Though it’s hard waiting for him to come around. I am unsure if he is ever going to come around. But I guess this time will give me the answers I need when it comes to deciding to move on or not. A part of me wants to help him. But my friend said that I’ve invested far too much. My friend said that my SO is like a black hole where all emotions towards him disappear never to be returned to appreciated.
Again, just venting.
Post # 2
beelinetowhere123 : I am not familiar with your past posts. Just wanted to ask if you and your SO are able to maintain a relationship without the inclusion and input of your friends.
I can see going to therapy with your SO if it is a joint decision, but if someone ambushed me I’d be upset too.
Post # 3
beelinetowhere123 : waiting for 10 years and he sounds like a stubborn ass. I’m not sure why you’d even want to stay. I get that you love him, but what about loving yourself?
Post # 4
beelinetowhere123 : I can understand why your SO feels ambushed. He found out that you confided in a male coworker and then you brought him to a house where he and his wife knew your couple issues and then asked about them.
Also, if you have the attitude that you are not the problem in this relationship and it’s 100% on your SO, then I’m guessing you’re equally responsible for any issues you two are having.
Post # 5
Astra : Yes, I think we’re able to maintain our relationship without the inclusion and input of your friends. I think my friend wanted to share his experience because yes, we are living the lives they did.
My SO felt like it was an ambush but by no means was it intended to be that. So yes, I believe he’s currently trying to get over that “ambush”
So I’m giving him time to do just that. And we’ll see if he comes around or not.
Post # 6
Honestly, I wouldn’t share details with ANYONE about my relationship. That doesn’t make me an emotional black hole or “messed up” as you put it. It means I’m private and don’t feel comfortable sharing my life with strangers. Now your friend is talking in your ear telling you to leave him when he has every right to be upset because he was attacked and insulted by people who have no business to ask him personal questions. If you wanted a relationship chat session, you should have asked if it was okay. You messed up here.
Post # 7
beelinetowhere123 : I know you said you’re just venting. But I think you need to realize that you aren’t happy in this relationship. You shouldn’t have to feel so sad.
Post # 8
I don’t know whether your SO knows that you confide in your male coworker–who is not a even mutual friend–about your relationship, but if I found this out about my FH, I would be very very hurt and upset. Regardless of whether I knew about the confiding going on in the background, the above situation would also make me very hurt and upset.
I’m not familiar with your previous posts and I can’t say for sure if you are correct that he is the main issue, but the behavior you are describing here (your behavior) sounds pretty destructive in terms of maintaining a healthy relationship. Again, I don’t know the big picture and he might be a lost cause, but this particular story makes me think you owe him an apology.
Post # 9
teacher-bee-in-the-sea : No, I’m not happy. More times than not, I’m not happy. But I guess this time is crucial for me to decide if he’ll come around or not. So I’m trying not to contact him. I’m giving him the distance he needs to get over what happened on the weekend. Maybe what he heard, he’s willing to listen to. Maybe. We’ll see.
Post # 10
beelinetowhere123 : Are you the Bee who’s been waiting 10 years for this guy to come around? The one who said she was so fed up she’s turn his proposal down if it ever happened? The one who said July was her walk date?
What. Are You. Doing?!
Post # 11
beelinetowhere123 : if the bad times outweigh the good, it doesn’t matter how much time or energy you have spent on the relationship. If you’re unhappy more than you are happy that is not healthy for you.
Why is it up to him to get the space and come back? Why isn’t it up to you to get to space and walk away?
Post # 12
In my opinion, the “silent treatment” is a very immature thing to do in a relationship. It’s one thing to say that you need some time to cool off before discussing issues, but the silent treatment is not going to get you anywhere. I have never read your posts so I don’t have a ton of background, but not talking about the issue is definitely not going to solve it.
I may be misinterpreting, but was your friend asking your SO to share the personal struggles of your relationship? (This is the way I interpreted the info, since your SO responded by saying he doesn’t want to share his problems with others.) If that’s the case, then I would be really upset as well, and I believe his feelings are justified. I would be pissed if my husband’s friends were asking me to open up about my struggles with DH if I didn’t even know them well (which I am assuming because you said your SO and friend have only had a quick meet and greet). Even if I did know them well, any issues are between DH and I.
Again, I may be reading this wrong, but if that was the situation, I would be very bothered as well. It sounds like you went into the night hoping to get advice from a married couple who may have gone through similar struggles, yet he probably went into the night believing it would just be fun, lighthearted, and a chance to meet your friends. So that is unfair to pin on him, and its unfair for your friend to judge his character if this is the only substantial meeting they have had.
With that being said, neither of you should be “waiting” for the other to reach out first, you should want to settle whatever the issue is. If he is constantly refusing to talk to YOU about the relationship issues, then that’s a problem. But you shouldn’t have put him in the position you did by hoping he would talk to your friends about your issues. That was unfair.
Post # 13
beelinetowhere123 : I don’t recall your past threads, but even if he’s a big jerk, you handled this very badly.
It was sneaky, passive aggressive and manipulative. It was also transparent. I’m not sure I’ve ever given someone the silent treatment, but if my FI did that to me, oooh boy.
You ambushed him for “therapy” with a room full of people who believe, based on your words, that he is the problem. That he is messed up.
if you really believe that, it’s time to move on bee.
No one else is going to be able to “fix” him, following your analogy, and your male coworker getting all psychojudger on your so for not taking his “help” is so arrogant, I can’t even. You are talking too much to this guy, he’s too in your business, and I can assure you, he is not helping.
Post # 14
This meetup with your friend sounds extremely awkward. I am trying to imagine myself in a similar situation, and I think I’d feel exactly like your SO. If the agreement ahead of time wasn’t to go there and talk about the details of your relationship with someone he hardly knows, then this wasn’t the right thing to do.
Also, if after 10 years you are just mutually not talking to each other after a disagreement, that’s probably a good sign that things aren’t working here.
Post # 15
Just a general statement to ALL Bees. I guess I see the reason why I posted on here. I only have the views of my friend who is obviously concerned.
I see what I’ve done is bad. And now I’m paying for it. Needless to say, we’re not in a happy place in our relationship. Though I try so hard. And I think my emotions aren’t being met half way. They’re not being recipricated because my SO doesn’t know how to communicate.