Silly crush while in a serious relationship – your best tips?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 60
Member
1329 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

All of your posts in this thread read of you trying to convince yourself you’re happy in your current relationship. If you were, this office guy would just be another pretty face to look at and nothing more, but your actions suggest it’s much, much more. You need to ask yourself if you’re okay with losing the LDR boyfriend and having an awkward work environment with the office guy because that’s how it’s going to end. 

Post # 61
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

this whole situation screams EW.

I dont know how head over heels you can be with your boyfriend if you’re having these feelings.

Also, are you stuck honoring your committment and feeling comfortable in your current relationship? Are you truly happy.

 

ALSO, the fact that this guy is acting like this when he has a gf…..

Post # 62
Member
10020 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, you’re playing with fire and you know what can happen when you do that. You could burn your whole life down. Would it really be worth it?

Post # 63
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’ve never had this situation. However, if you don’t want to completely disengage from this guy, to avoid being rude or having people view you as standoffish, you can take smaller steps. You know the books and movies he likes; that implies conversation outside of work. If you didn’t have “melting” feelings for this guy, I would say that you can have those regular life convos. However, you have chemistry with him, so you need to be firm in only having work related conversations and interactions. Do not exchange numbers and text/communicate outside of work. Do not follow each other on social media. Keep a pic of your bf on your desk to remind you of the man you love, that you will get to see more often once this long distance portion of your relationship is done.

Post # 64
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m not a common poster but I had to comment on your post because it reminds me so much of a situation I had. Sorry for the long novel but I connect a lot with your situation.

My husband (at that point boyfriend then fiancé) had moved away for flight school but I stayed behind to finish school. We had been dating a little more than 2 years at that point and the LDR was rough. Well there was a guy who was in one of my classes that I thought was attractive and had actually been in my husband’s class too so they knew each other (which made it even worse).
A month into the LDR, my husband came to visit and propose. I said yes. I would always go with my girl friends to a country bar and the guy from class would often be there. I danced with him the entire night and he told me all the right things. We had a lot in common that my husband and I didn’t. We started texting and would talk to each other on Facebook. He had invited me over for get togethers at his house but I would refuse the invite. Nothing ever got physical but emotionally I knew it was wrong. He was exactly like you explained your break room guy is. To the T.
I eventually told my husband I was not sure I wanted to be engaged and needed a “break”. I hated being in a LDR and there were people there right then. I told him about the guy and how we have so much in common. I had planned to hang out with the other guy and see if we really had a connection.
That “break” lasted a week. I did not meet up with the other guy. My husband was patient and loving with me during that hard time of confusion.
I stopped going to the country bar if I knew he would be there. I deleted him off Facebook and would no longer respond to his text messages. I thought of him in every bad way possible: he’s probably a player, he doesn’t seem like the faithful type, he likes to party too much, he doesn’t have direction in life, etc.
Let me tell you, that was the best decision I have ever made and not once do I regret it. That week made me realize the kind of man my husband is and why I loved him so much.
LDR is hard but so worth it. We were long distance for 2 years after that before we finally got to be together. We got married and I am constantly told by people how wonderful my husband is and how lucky I am. And I am.
If you really love your bf, remember why you love him. The grass is not always greener on the other side. To this day I am so thankful I did not give up my husband for a guy that may not have even lasted through a 1st date.

Post # 65
Member
21 posts
Newbee

Fastest way to throw cold water on anything heating up between you two is to mention your boyfriend in conversation with your coworker whenever possible and to ask him about his girlfriend as well. Nothing like a good kick in the conscience to remind you both that you’re in committed relationships and have people waiting for you at home. 

BUT I think you should set some mental guidelines for talking about your significant others:

1. When you ask him about his Girlfriend, he may try to downplay the relationship or imply that things aren’t great between them. If this happens, do not allow him to gripe about any relationship problems he might have.

2. Resist the urge to talk about any difficulties you’re encountering being in a LDR. Only positive things, even if you had a blowout fight with your Boyfriend or Best Friend the night before.

3. Do not get involved with offering or soliciting any kind of relationship advice. That is not work appropriate. Keep it light, keep it professional.  

 

I’d also suggest printing out some photos of you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend, family, friends, etc. to put on your desk to remind you of who you are, what is important in life, and the kind of people whom you look up to and want to make proud. 

Post # 66
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

You say the reason you’re in this place is to “pursue an important career opportunity” so how about doing just that? I don’t think you’ll look unfriendly, you can be friendly and polite just not spend a lot of time on chatting about movies and such.

Post # 67
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

holisticbabe :  well OP is acting the same way and she has a boyfriend so maybe they are perfect for each other. 

Op you are thinking about another guy, your boyfriend was thinking about another girl. This LDR is not working.

Post # 68
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

Maybe a bigger question to ask yourself is do you really feel ready for a serious relationshp, and a long distance one at that?

Post # 71
Member
2334 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

If you want to “pursue an important career opportunity” do not hook up with your colleague

Post # 72
Member
2757 posts
Sugar bee

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. 

Post # 73
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I experienced this but not with a guy at work. I cut it off by completely stopping initiating contact, and just responding politely when he contacted me. I gave excuses when he tried to meet up and eventually it just fizzled. You still have to see him at work so it will be harder, but you can still implement some of those things, like not initiating conversation, keeping it as work-related, shallow and non-personal as possible, and obviously never exchanging numbers or talking outisde of work. 

Post # 74
Member
3030 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Whenever I had a super attractive coworker that I couldn’t avoid who would try to flirt with me, I’d channel my inner Hermione and be my most annoying, authentic self. I’d deadpan at or have a bland and logical comeback to all of his jokes and point out and painstakingly correct all errors in performance, judgment, and knowledge in a long-winded way with tangential tips that he didn’t care about while sighing deeply. 

Can you try something like that? Like whatever it is about you that you/other people can’t stand, just turn it up to 11 around this guy.

Post # 75
Member
12078 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

demelza2510 :  Don’t feel ridiculous, just use this incident as a reality check.

I’d take the time apart to further evaluate your current relationship. You mention that SO is nothing like former BFs who all ended up competing with you. Just be sure that in an effort to do something different that you haven’t overcompensated in the other direction. 

It’s also clear that you are not over the incident of a few months ago. You don’t have to divulge what happened, but if it’s still bothering you, I don’t think sweeping it under the rug is going to help. 

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