(Closed) Since the pregnancy scare….

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery

I’m not understanding what he did “wrong”. You cannot control how other people react to a situation, especially one as utterly life changing as that could have possibly been. 

Post # 3
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Well, if you both didn’t want kids and were planning on an abortion, i don’t see why searching the internet was wrong for him. Clearly it was an uncomfortable place for both. I’ve been there, two scares in my book. Best thing to do is talk about it. Pulling away is DEFINITELY going to make it worse. Talk about birth control, ways to prevent, YOUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER. Then go out, be romantic again. Clearing the air is the best way to start.

Post # 5
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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victoria1990:  If you already know you both don’t want kids, what is there to discuss? Did you both agree yuo would get an abortion? If so why would you discuss other options. And can you explain how he could have stepped up?

Overall, I think based on the information you gave his actions are normal and rational.  

Post # 6
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

having said you both don’t want kids, it understandable that he would react in the way he did. I wouldn’t say it was denial but more him hoping it wasn’t true so both of you could go on living your life as you had intended. 

It does seem a bit strange that you would expect him to “step up” if you know he 100% does not want children. I think you really need to do some soul searching and figure out why his reaction bothered you so much.

eta- I agree with the “lets not freak out until you are sure” mentality. It’s also the same as women not getting excited until they are sure (if they are trying to get pregnant) no need to react to something if it’s not true. 

Post # 8
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 1975

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victoria1990:  He handled the situation appropriately. He didn’t jump to conclusions about why your period was missed, automatically assuming that you were pregnant. It makes sense for him to google reasons. Idk what your birth control situation is at the moment, but if you guys have been using a few forms of birth control, and have been taking every measure to prevent, I could see why he would deny a possibly pregnancy and look for other answers.

Also, many women miss periods or cycles become irregular from time to time. Our bodies are not perfect, and will not act in an exact measure every month, or even every day. 

I know that was a stressful and emotional time, but you’re projecting a lot onto him. You’re interpreting his behaviors based on how you’re feeling. Maybe the discussion of options and stepping up didn’t come to surface because you were in fact not pregnant and there was no reason to go there at that moment. I’m sure if the situation has presented itself that you were, that the topic would have discussed thoroughly between you both.

Hopefully this situation, and I’m sorry you had to go through a scare, opened up a segment of conversation about the what-ifs in this scenario. How you two would handle it and how the last scare made you feel. 

Post # 9
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

To be honest, with my scare, i was in complete denial too. I couldn’t even think long term, all i could think about was getting my period.

Maybe you two should talk now.

Post # 10
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My husband acts exactly the same way if I tell him I think I’m pregnant.

Post # 11
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
victoria1990:  Honestly, I would have reacted just like your husband. You’re absolutely right that it’s a whole different world to actually get an abortion, even fi that’s the right decision, and that requires a lot of serious discussion. Given how big and ocmplicated that is, why wouldn’t you want to find out if you’re really pregnant before going through all that? It sounds like he thought it was most likely that you weren’t pregnant (which was true) and just wanted to find out, for sure, before freaking out. And he was trying to comfort you with other reasons why your period might be late to help you calm down about being cocnerned that you were pregnant. Obviously, who he reacted didn’t sit well with you, but I don’t think he reacted badly. Guys aren’t mind readers and sometimes they need some helping knowing how to support you. So I would be very clear to him. Tell him what you need him to do. Especially in instanes like this, where his inital reaction isn’t quite what you were hoping for.

All that being said, I would sit down and talk to thim. I would try not to be angry or accusatory, but let him know that the pregnancy scare was hard on you and you’ve found it difficult to get backinto the swing of things in the bedroom. Talk about what you can both do to try to get you through this. I recommend getting all dolled up and going out for a nice dinner with a nice glass of wine. Then try to just let yourself go with the flow to get back to intimacy. It’s important to get there and I’m sure he’ll help if you let him know how. 

Post # 12
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
victoria1990:  okay, now it makes sense 🙂

Have you told him exactly what you just said to me?

Post # 13
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think that views on pregnancy and abortion should have been discussed before being intimate.

Its not really fair to say well I would want an abortion now, get pregnant and then change your mind and expect that he would just “step up” if he’s already said he doesn’t want kids. Guys don’t get pregnant emotions like womem do. You being pregnant isn’t going to change how he feels most likely. It sounds like you need to have a discussion about what his expectations are should you fall pregnant. And should you change your mind once pregnant, what would he do?

 

Post # 14
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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AOriver:  I agree 100%. 

View original reply
victoria1990:  It seems his reaction was totally appropriate. Women’s periods are late all the time without it being caused by pregnancy. There’s no use in trying to solve a problem that you’re not even sure exists. I think the time to discuss options is when a pregnancy has been confirmed.

As for advice, I think you need to first talk with him about what you’re feeling, and then suggest ways for you both to reconnect. Do things that you enjoy doing together to get back to that “in love” place. 

Post # 15
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

View original reply
victoria1990:   His reaction was not him being irresponsible, it’s him being a bit shocked by the situation and trying to be rational about it until knowing what’s going on.  He probably was thinking of what he believed he had done to prevent the situation.

I honestly think you need to ask yourself what you would’ve decided if you had your ideal response from him.  If he said he would support whatever decision you wanted to make, would spend the rest of his life with you and loves you….would you still want to be child free, or would that reaction make you feel that you may make a different decision?  I don’t think he’s ready to get married, and the pressure of someone wanting that committment and to discuss a pregnancy when you haven’t even taken a test is a bit much.  There is truth to someone not knowing how they will react until they are in a situation, but you should talk to him and be as certain as possible about what you both want going forward.  He may not even want to consider being a father, or be willing to support you through a pregancy ever…and that’s something you may want to really think about if you feel that you might have a change of heart in the future.

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