Post # 16
victoria1990: in fairness to him, you weren’t pregnant. There was no reason to freak out. I’ve had scares before and there is no reason to stress until you know for sure.
If you were in his shoes, how would you feel? Your girlfriend thinks she’s pregnant, but doesn’t want to take a test yet. You are concerned, so you try to gauge the chances of this being a scare or the real deal. You find boards like WeddingBee where people tell women in your shoes to take a test, because it is often just your body being wacky. He evaluates the risk, knew the status of your birth control and opted not to freak out until there was something to freak out about, especially because the consequences of what would happen if you were pregnant were already discussed and agreed upon.
I get that you were freaked out. I would be too. That’s why I’m a huge fan of taking a test immediately and not playing the what-if game. You don’t think rationally while freaking out and it is far better to have knowns than unknowns. The unknowns were way scarier to you than to him. He probably didn’t understand the level you were freaked out and why. In his mind, there was an action plan in place if this was an actual pregnancy.
But that’s in the past. Going forward, I’d spend time with your bf. Go on date nights. Have fun. Let the intimacy return. It will. Also talk to him about how you felt. It’ll help.
Post # 17
victoria1990: This is likely going to sound snarky, and that’s not my intent.
But, I side with your Boyfriend or Best Friend. There was no reason to freak out or talk about options until you were certain. What’s the point of talking through all the what ifs when emotions are running high without knowing for sure.
You weren’t pregnant so I find it odd that you are referring to it as a pregnancy and an unborn child. It sounds like you are 24 and thought you didn’t want kids. That’s fine. Many people say that at that age and go on to change their mind. That’s what your 20s are for. Figuring out that you want in life. The difference is that your SO is 34 and is probably pretty sure of what he wants and doesn’t want. He might even be dating someone 10 years younger so he doesn’t have to deal with commitment and children the same way he would if he dated a woman in her 30s.
Now that the dust has settled, I think you need to talk to your SO about what he wants and where the relationship is going, especially if you are looking for or would like a conmitment down the road. Also, you should probably talk about your plan if you were to accidentally get pregnant.
Post # 18
Before anything goes further or you sleep with him again, the two of you need to sit down and have a serious, full discussion about how you feel about children, what you plan to do if you have another pregnancy scare, how you feel about how he responded to your scare, and finally what options you can take to minimize the risk of getting pregnant. I assume you’re using some kind of birth control but you should maybe look at using a second form of birth control as well. Lots of people do that and it can’t hurt.
Depending on the results of that conversation, you can maybe think about whether or not you see a future with your current partner. Children are a big deal and you really want to be on the same page about it so if you’re not, that’s okay and the sooner you find that out, the better For both of you. Also being on the same page can mean more than just whether or not you both want or don’t want kids.
Post # 19
victoria1990: I hear you. You wanted him to say “I love you and will take care of you and we will figure this out together” and he didn’t. I would talk to him honestly (instead of us) about how you feel and your disappointment.
Then get an IUD!
Post # 20
He could just get a vasectomy and you won’t have to worry about an accidental pregnancy in the future. And FWIW, he was being completely rational- as it turns out there was never a baby to make a decision about.
Post # 21
I get where you are coming from OP.
He acted detached from the situation and showed lack of empathy. When responability came down he wanted to play the aloof card. So I can see where this would bother you…BUT since neither of you want kids combined with the fact that not all men, but lot of men freak out about this kind of stuff, I would say if you want to continue your relationship with this man and have it be “ggod” again, you are going to have to forgive his less than supportive reaction…and just move past it. Men do not respond the same way that women do, to anything really…and honestly that is the way nature intended thing to be.
If you havent already talked with him about the way it made you feel you need to. And then you need to find a way to accept his reaction and start working on reconnecting with him. Until you finally let this go, your resentment will suck the love out of the relationship.
Post # 22
I agree with PPs… his response wasn’t him being irresponsible at all. If he was irresponsible or denying the responsibility, he would have disappeared or gotten drunk or some other thing guys do when they don’t want to be dads and don’t know how to handle the idea.
He was responsible and rational – and honestly, was probably trying to calm you down by researching other possibilities. And interestingly, he was right! You weren’t pregnant (the conclusion you jumped to).
Post # 23
OP, could it be possible that your SO, knowing that neither of you want children at this stage, was trying to – albeit clumsily – comfort you or set your mind at ease? Like, ‘don’t freak out, it could be X, Y or Z?’
My Dad has a wonderful saying that is ‘panic slowly’ which means basically, ‘let’s not have a big drama before we know all the facts’ and I would have taken your partner’s reaction as something along those lines. Of course, we all want our significant others to say those perfect things, like ‘I’ll stand by you’ etc, but I find that men tend to be a lot more practically-minded regarding pregnancy things. It may not have even crossed his mind to react emotionally straight away because for him there was no reason for a big drama until it was actually confirmed that you were expecting.
Post # 24
Doesn’t anyone have the “What will we do if I wind up pregnant” talk with their SO’s before having sex anymore? Because, his reaction to your suspected pregnancy wouldn’t have been a surprise if you had that talk.
Post # 25
You hadnt actually confirmed a pregnancy, you both had agreed that you dont want children, I dont see whats wrong with him googling why else you could be late. It seems like the normal thing to do since it soudns like you both were hoping that you were not. I’ve had scares before and done the same as he did, and hoped and prayed I wasnt. Until there’s an actual + sign, there’s nothign to be supportive of imo and living in the land of denial is perfectly legit imo.
Post # 26
If neither of you wanted kids, I can imagine that a pregnancy scare would not be a happy event.
Googling information is a responsible and intelligent response to a potentially life altering possibility.
Do you think that a part of you wants to have kids and perhaps that is why you wanted your boyfriend to be more excited?
Talk to him about how you feel. Problems are best solved with honest communication.
Post # 27
While I agree that couples should have that discussion before having sex, we cannot always plan our reactions. Life happens and people experience different emotions while they are in a defining moment.
Post # 28
victoria1990: Its possible that deep down maybe you were a tad dissapointed you weren’t pregnant? I dont feel like he overreacted or acted in a way that would be surprising for a man who does not want kids.
I feel like maybe your discomfort with the whole situation is due to how YOU felt about it- perhaps you might be open to having kids one day, perhaps not- but I don’t think any changes are coming from your man. Just because you have declared your self child free doesnt mean you have to stay that way. You can change your mind!
Post # 29
“he was more like ‘let’s not freak out till your sure’” — This seems like the more rational response. Not saying your response was wrong, but his most definitely wasn’t either, and actually sounds more healthy and was probably meant to be comforting to him AND you. And he was right, right? You weren’t pregnant, so no reason to freak out.
“I wanted us to work through all options together as adults – to talk about it so that we knew we were doing the right thing.” — At that point there was nothing to work out. You weren’t doing anything, right or wrong. You couldn’t possibly do anything until after taking a test, so why freak both of you out, especially if you were away at a conference?
“I’m not saying I wanted him to propose just because I was pregnant” — You weren’t pregnant though. It’s kind of starting to sound like maybe you DID want him to propose, or at least spur him into thinking about it. Not cool. If you want to talk to him about these things, then of course you should talk to him about them. But his reaction was at least as understandable as yours and was perfectly rational. Most people are not going to want to have an in-depth discussion about adoption, abortion, marriage, etc while still in shock and the swirling emotions of a possible pregnancy. Most people will either talk about these things well beforehand, or after a positive test.
Post # 30
I think he was maybe trying to step up in his own way. He was trying to calm you down. There really was no reason to get all worried over the “what if’s” and “maybe’s” when you weren’t sure. It would just be added stress on both of your lives.