Post # 1
I have been reading a lot of posts lately about how so many brides feel as if their bridesmaids are almost their “do girls.” As in “they need to do this for me” to fulfill their duties. A few days ago there was even a rant where one bride was upset at one of her BM’s and stated something along the lines of “doesn’t she know how big of an honor it is for her to be asked to be a bridesmaid!” Are you freakin serious?!?!?!? I think some brides have their priorities so backwards!
I personally feel that I am the one being honored when my BMs accepted my request! I am honored that they are there to support me on my big day! If at some point along the planning process they are there to help, then that is just an added bonus. I completely understand that my BMs have other things going on in their lives tht are WAY more important to them than my wedding. Hell, 2 of my BMs are thousands of miles away from me (one in Germany and one in TX) and one just had a baby last week. The only thing that I expect of my girls is to show up and have a good time!
What do you bees think about all of this craziness??
Post # 3
Wedding planning can bring out the worst in people cant it?! And I mean both ways. Brides and bms. I was a bm for a friend once and it turned me from being a helpful patient friend to me suddenly not answering txts. I mean, who needs txts at 10pm about her worries over buttercream icing over fondant? Thats what weddingbee is for!!! But i turned into a slacker bm because i had shit to do and I didnt have all day to think about hairclips and napkin rings. And she went from a normal chick to a freakin wedding obsessed nutter! She even FIRED one of her bms for being unhelpful and she didnt end up coming to the wedding. It was SO out of character for her.
I wouldnt judge a bride to be too harshly for being crazy, wedding planning makes most people crazy lol.
Post # 4
I agree with you. I couldn’t afford to buy the bridesmaid’s dresses for my girls and I felt guilty for this. Like when else in life would I ever ask someone to make such a huge purchase for me? Let alone the bridesmaids that had to then buy plane tickets to come. I felt a little selfish asking for so much, to be honest. I do know that for my very close friends who I did this for I do remember feeling honored, but not a lot was demanded of me either except to show up and look pretty. One local bridesmaid offered to help with my shower because my grandmother who was planning on throwing it for me had to have emergency surgery and my mom didn’t know the first thing about how to take over planning and throwing a shower. That was incredibly gracious, although that bridesmaid ended up having to drop out 4 weeks before the wedding. She was/is a great friend, regardless of the fact that she couldn’t be a bridesmaid. I think wedding planning just does strange things to your head. Like I remember the disappointment and hurt I felt when that bridesmaid dropped out and in hindsight all of those negative feelings are gone because the pressure and expectations of the event are over and I’m a happy little married lady.
Post # 5
I can totally see each of your points about wedding planning making us crazy. I know that the wedding is almost constantly on my brain and I could easily ramble on about every single little detail to anyone that will listen, but to be so blatantly bitchy to those people that we are supposed to love just seems crazy to me. I’m sure when things get closer and more crazy that I’ll have my inevitable bridezilla moment (hopefully I don’t though!), but I do know that I will try my absolute hardest to NOT let it consume me and make me lose sight about what this is really about.
I guess I’ve just been getting the feeling that certain threads I’ve read lately almost make the brides sound like they are entitled and need their BMs to be at their every beck and call and as soon as someone doesn’t jump when told to, they are being “relieved of their duties.” Just seems crazy and a little sad to me =/
Post # 6
Yeah totally. This is a brides site though, imagine a bridesmaid site and all the rants on there! Lol! I dont think many brides think they are being bitchy? Then there are the other brides who want to please everyone and end up being trampled all over by people wanting to “help”. Theres no middle ground really!
Post # 7
Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing do that much more for them.
All of my bridal party is related to Fiance or I, married into the family, or soon-to-be marrying into the family, except for one person. As we are mostly all family, and we are close, we ALWAYS help each other out. So, yes, I do expect my BM’s to help out with DIY projects and such. Thats how my family is. I have 3 sisters and any of us would do the same. Thats what I am used to. So if I was in a situation where people were not willing to help, I would probably feel hurt, because that’s not how I grew up, that’s not how i was raised. I was raised in a household where things were a team effort.
but then some brides are just down-right self-centered and think the word revolves around them.
Post # 8
I agree that there is absolutely a limit to how much you can expect from your bridesmaids. However, I can say that I NEEDED help on the wedding day (from going to the bathroom during the reception to running the table runners across the street to the venue that morning) – I could NOT have done everything that needed to be done to prep for a 150 person event and get ready myself. I tried to make it obvious how grateful I was to everyone (not just my BMs were doing this), and everyone was just happy to help. I would have been the same if it was any of their weddings.
Like I said, it’s never okay to treat someone you care about like a slave, but I have also seen people in the past get worked up about anyone expecting their BMs to do ANYTHING other than show up and party. Unless you can hire a troupe of assistants on the day of, you will need to rely on the help of your closest friends and family, and there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you make your appreciation clear.
Post # 9
I totally agree with you!
Post # 10
This post by CaitMarae is one of my all time favorites on the subject. I agree–they aren’t slaves! True, the upcoming day will be one of the biggest in my life, and they should be helpful, but I would also like them to be my friends after the wedding as well :-).
My bridesmaids have been awesome. One lives in town, one lives two hours away, one is four hours away, and the other two are 2,000 miles away. They have all been very helpful with whatever they can. I had two bridal showers last weekend. One of my bridesmaids was upset that she couldn’t make it, and I told her not to worry (it was one that lives 2,000 miles away).
I also have been a bridesmaid before, and I know that it can be expensive and time-consuming. I also know that people do have lives outside of my wedding (SHOCKER, I know :-)). Would I love for them to be at every event? Absolutely. Is it possible? No, and that’s okay. As long as they are there on the big day, I’m happy.
Post # 11
Bridesmaids aren’t slaves — it’s important to remember that for sure! I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in a former friend’s wedding but she treated me like complete crap so I stepped down. We’re not talking anymore which is unfortuant but it is what it is. I wouldn’t expect my girls to be my slave — they help with what they want to help with. After my expirience as a bridesmaid (as short-term as that was…) I made my girls promise to put me in my place if I got crazy.
I don’t think I would but seriously…bridesmaids put out a ton of cash to be in a wedding. They’re doing you a favor — they want to be there for you. Don’t drive them away.
Post # 12
No they aren’t slaves I think everyone forgets that we are all “people” wedding planning brings people together to make decisions and have expectations of others and things placed on you that normally you wouldn’t have and this can place a strain on any relationship.
People will disagree with the bride no matter how reasonable shes being. Bridesmaid or Best Man are our friends but lets be realistic when else in our lives do we ever ask our friends to buy clothing and devote time to us months and years in advance! The entire wedding industry almost sets you up for conflict just by the nature of everything involved. I just adverted a crisis with one bridesmaid who was a ball of nerves that her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress would be horrid because i wasn’t doing the pick and show up thing, but i’m a planner by trade so i was willing to be reasonable but i wanted things planned but i was still willing to be flexible if need be but not just throw a monkey wrench in my entire process. i had anothe Bridesmaid or Best Man who stepped down because she lived too far away and didn’t know how involved she could be. I told her all that mattered to me was that she could be at my wedding and if she couldn’t afford it I understood….no big deal…the rest of my bridesmaids I told them jus show up but they want to plan showers and bachelorette parties so i said ok if you guys want but you don’t have too…
I think in the end a bride should be reasonable but not a doormat which is 100% possible. …A Bridesmaid or Best Man should be helpful if she can be but it shouldn’t be a deal breaker if she can’t be….Both parties have a responsibility to mange things but both brides and Bridesmaid or Best Man have gotten a bad rap and it makes a very beautiful time in life a ball of stress which can freaking suck!
Post # 13
Amen, sister. They are neither slaves NOR props. I of course understand if people have a certain ‘look’ for their bridesmaids, but I feel like a lot of brides don’t see past the wedding pictures. No one is going to notice if Suzy’s hair is professionally done, if Katie wore different makeup or if Tabitha has a different pair of shoes. No one.
Post # 14
I personally don’t see the point of bridesmaid’s and if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have asked any of them. All of them clearly act like it is a burden and inconvenience on their life to do something as simple as just show up for my bridal shower. I have not asked them to do a single thing and have even helped pay for the expenses they have incurred and still my wedding day is looked upon as an inconvenience to some of the girls.
I think every situation is different, and while I certainly don’t agree with the whole bridesmaids are slaves idea, I do agree with a previous poster in that “Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing do that much more for them.”
Post # 15
@baliahi1029: Co-sign. BMs are not slaves but their only “duty” shouldn’t be showing up and looking pretty. That’s the BRIDE’S job IMO. But yeah, while some brides expect too much, I don’t like the overall theme on these threads that BMs don’t have to do anything at all. I just think if we are close enough to be in each other’s bridal parties, we should want to help each other more than just showing up and looking pretty for each other. JMHO.
Post # 16
I personally have yet to ask my BMs to do anything other than buy their dresses (and tbh since they’re my sister, cousin, and friend who still lives at home, my mom, aunt, and friend’s mother all are paying for their dresses so even that wasn’t a personal burden to them). Although I’m not doing really any DIY projects, but even if I did I would say “hey I’m painting stuff today, wanna come over and have some wine and paint with me?” and if they said no, I would say okay and be fine with it…although they wouldn’t say no since they’re all very into the wedding and have been pinning ideas for it before I even had a pinterest myself, lol.
I’ve been in a couple weddings before and never had to do a single thing other than buy my dress…but maybe it’s because I don’t know many people who DIY things….