(Closed) Since when is there a time limit on engagements???? vent!!!!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2656 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

When I got engaged I actually wanted a long engagement. I didnt want to get married until 2013, I wanted to get certified, and pay off some bills, but my Fiance wanted to get married in 2011. So we compromised on 2012. October.

And we got engaged in 2010. So its about a 2 year engagement. People I know thought thats a long engagement!!!! I want to be like, who cares. Y does it even matter? Oh well. Point is u have to do what u have to do. And whocares what other people think.

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@CupCakeMeg:Wow, actually I have been reading a magazine called Reminece. Spelled it wrong. Anyway, its a magazine where people tell stories from the 60’s and all the way down to the late 1800’s. And there is a section called ‘How I met my spouse”. I have read alot of these stories and back then, there really wasnt long engagements. People got engaged in Dec and married by March. Im still surprised by how short of an engagement there was back then. Oh sure there were some long engagements, but most were short.

If a older family member mentions how long anyones engagement is, they might be from that time. Or that thinking.

Times change.

Post # 33
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Fiance proposed to me 6 months ago and we have no date set. We are going to spend this next week in FL at a resort where we want our destination wedding to be at. It took us 6 months to really understand what WE wanted in a wedding and to find something that would work for US.

Did, and do, other people understand this? No. Noone that knows me understands why it is taking us so long to just ‘pick a date’, ‘just pick a place’, ‘just do it now now now now now cause I have nothing else in my life but to think about what other people are doing’. Seriously.

For us, it is not about the money. We are paying for it ourselves and we are in no rush to drop thousands of dollars just to please other people. We simply want to take our time and do something perfect for US. I am also a very busy person with other things in my life, and quite frankly, a wedding is not #1 for me. It’s not going to be the most important thing I ever do, nor am I the type to get in a frenzied hype over ONE DAY of my life. To us, the rest of our lives mean more to us than one day.

That being said, no matter what the reason, whether it be just taking your time or trying to save money, people do not understand long engagements and it.makes.me.crazy. I don’t know why there is a time limit. I don’t understand why the traditional timeline is 1 year, because frankly, I don’t know why it would take 1 whole year to plan a ‘party’. Hell, it will take me less time to cook a baby in my uterus. @agirlwithdreams7:, do what works for you and since others can’t be an example of “to each their own”, at least you can.

Post # 34
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We are having a year and a half long engagement. I think it’s pretty normal, right? Well besides my friend who just got engaged tonight and is getting married next week….lol.

Post # 35
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@TheLionQueen: Whaaat…are they joking? Does the time limit on engagements go both ways? People react to long engagements, but they seem to react even stronger to SHORT ones. hmm.

Post # 36
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

I’m guessing these people cant wrap there heads around a situation that isnt their “norm” and for that reason are judgmental about it–looking for a reason to put it down.

Don’t let it bother you, I am sure it just makes you a more open minded person in the long run, and not as quick to judge others!

Post # 37
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

OP, well said!  My own journey has been a very unique and interesting one…my fiance and I got engaged when we *thought* we were ready to be married (he proposed Dec 31 2009)…we prepared for this beautiful wedding for an entire 1 year and 8 months now, and our wedding date was scheduled for this November, almost 2 years to the date of getting engaged.  Friends of friends already have made comments like, “Are you married yet, or what?!”  I always felt it was none of their business. 

However, when the 6 month marker hit, we realized we had been preparing for the wedding the entire time, but not the marriage.  We knew what we meant to each other, we knew we loved each other and were compatible, but that marriage takes more than just infatuation and love.  There were a lot of life plans we hadn’t laid out, a lot of important subjects that hadn’t been talked about.  It was a really rough decision, but we decided just a few weeks ago to postpone the wedding, and it was only two months out from the original wedding date.  ALREADY, it has proven to be the BEST decision possible.  We have already taken our relationship to levels we never thought were possible, and we are gaining so much in love, trust, understanding, devotion.  Not that those things weren’tpresent, just that they are valued so much more, and we are going above and beyond to do nice things for each other, make sacrifices, remedy to tension and issues that were present before.  I am not saying things have been solved over night, but in taking the tension away from the impending wedding, we were able to really focus on what we should have been focusing on: our bond.  And that is a good enough reason to wait, or to choose a long engagement.  It just takes others a longer period of time to find the DEEPER meaning of marriage, and for both partners to understand that marriage is more than just simmply being in love.  There is nothing wrong with that, and if anything, waiting shows maturity, understanding, readiness.  We are so lucky to be surrounded by family and friends who are understanding and supportive of our decision, and I know that when our day does finally come, it will hold that much more meaning than it ever could have had we not been brave enough to look at our relationship closer. 🙂 So…in summary, I agree.  No one should judge.  Wouldn’t those “judgey” people probably prefer a marriage that’s lasting vs a divorce down the road anyway?  haha

Post # 38
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree with you only because my fiance and I had a long engagement as well. He bought me the ring and proposed but we didn’t have enough to have a wedding. He just want to make it clear that he wants to marry me and that we aren’t wasting our time. He pretty much wanted there to be a comittment to marriage.We were engaged 2 1/2 years  (almost three years) and now we are actually planning our wedding. My future father in law and his wife had a really long engagement as well and a few other couples I know as well. To me I would rather have that comittment of marriage and know that we aren’t wasting our time and have a clear intention of getting married then not.

Post # 39
Member
10712 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m glad you posted this… when we 1st announced our engagement we had to tell people no… not this June… next June! We got a lot of eye rolls. When June came and went we had so many people say sorry they missed our wedding… I was crushed! I mean really they thought our wedding passed even though we keep saying 2012 and they didn’t say anything until after July was here… I didn’t think our engagement was so long people would just forget all about us, but they did. I am enjoying our long engagement… lots of time for DIY.

Post # 40
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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@HappilyEverAfter54:  ha ha..we had SO many guests do the same!!  We sent out STD’s out in early November 2010 saying something to the effect of “We can’t wait for you to share in this special day with us NEXT November!  Until then, enjoy your holidays, and see you next year when we tie the knot!!”  STILL some people didn’t get it and responded like yours: “Sorry, we can’t make it!” As if we would send out STD’s literally TWO WEEKS before the wedding!! hahah clueless.

Post # 41
Member
6496 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree with soyjoy’s comments.

We’re having a VERY long engagement: 3.5 years!! We’re not particularly young (we’re both 25), and we’ve been together 6 years, so that’s not the issue. It’s just worked out well for us. Originally, my OH and planned to propose in the summer at the earliest (he’s always wanted to propose abroad). But, he ended up proposing back in Feb. His mum became extremely ill early November last year and was hospitalised, and while in hospital, we believe she was subject to neglect (she was left in a sick-covered gown for eg, she was deprived of water, they didn’t feed her her meds despite the fact she was paralysed and had lost co-ordination and couldn’t do it herself; it was horrendous). I got massively involved, writing several lengthy letters cataloguing everything and insisting on various meetings which I took minutes of and followed up in writing. Things improved, and I believe had we not intervened, she wouldn’t be with us today.

All this made my OH realise how important I was to him, and he basically decided he couldn’t wait to propose and wanted to take the next step. And I was over the moon, even though it was sooner than I expected.

As it is, it’s worked out well; I’m a student, about to start a PhD. My parents are paying for most of the wedding, but we need to try to save for a deposit on a house, and having the wedding later allows us to do that (we’ll still have to rent for a bit, but we should have a decent sum which will take the pressure off as we don’t want to rent for too long when married). Also, I’m very busy (I have 2 part-time jobs as well as studying full-time), and wanted to have time to plan, and not be rushing things. Plus we’ve chosen a very popular time of year (a Saturday in the second week of the school holidays; these dates get booked up really far in advance (up to 2 years), and we’re fussy, and wanted a specific venue).

The main downside so far is dealing with people’s comments/reactions, and also people assuming I’m going to want to talk weddings for the next 3 years, because I don’t. I’m not all that bothered about most things, the venue is booked and I have my shoes, that’s it. I don’t particularly care about the cake or the flowers, I’m not bothering with themes and loads of decorations; I’m pretty laid-back about the whole thing basically, but a lot of people can’t grasp that :-s

Post # 42
Member
760 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t see what the big deal is when it comes to long engagements. My Fiance and I have been engaged for 2 years. We could have gotten married last Oct, but would have rushed through the planning process, and I didn’t want to put all of that stress on myself. I wanted to do things right and have a nice wedding. To hell with what anyone else thinks.

Post # 43
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I hear you!

I saw another thread where girls basically took it upon themselves to be the Engagement Police. The whole thing is basically judging people whose engagement is longer than their “actual relationship” <– their words, not mine.  They were basically saying that your “actual relationship” needs to be longer, because it ends when you get engaged, and that the engagement is a separate, “active wedding planning phase” that you enter before you reach the finish line, which is marriage.  So the planning phase has to be implemented RIGHT AWAY and must be short!  

I didn’t say anything, but I was like like A) Who cares?  B) HOW RUDE and C) Must’ve missed the memo about all of this when I was planning out all my phases and “relationship goals,” because my engagemnt doesn’t fit their strict criteria.  Uh oh, I guess I’m doomed! *sarcasm*

Post # 44
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

The way i view it … why rush if you are really meant to be them he/she will be there when you are ready to have the wedding! My engagement is 16 months and I could go longer. I know he loves me and I love him. But in the end i can not wait for 45 more days!!! Plus no one knows your relationship except for the people having it!!!!! I hate it when people butt in when they dont know the whole situation!

Post # 45
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My SO and I recently had a serious talk about engagement, looking at rings, etc. I just started graduate school, and have 4 years ahead of me. In my heart, I want to get engaged SOON because we have been together for 8 years (since we were teenagers), and living together for over 3 years, so it just feels like time, but in my head I know the stigma of long engagements, and so we are waiting at least 2 years to get engaged, and even then will probably have a 2-3 year engagement after that! It sucks a lot when you KNOW you want to get married, but just aren’t in the right place in terms of time or financials to do it for quite a while. I think a lot of people have the opinion “if you want to get married, just do it!” but that’s not always what people really want, so they wait.

Post # 46
Member
9478 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

Fiance and I got engaged Christmas Eve 2010 and our wedding is approximately a year out now.  A lot of people had a shocked reaction when I told them the wedding date.  Some people would ask why.  I simply told them that I would rather save up money, take time to plan, and make my life easier than planning a wedding in 6-8 months.

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