Post # 1
Does anyone have single friends who don’t want to hang out with you and DH?
This was not an issue when we were dating, but has turnd into one since we’ve been married.
So much so, this friend will only hang out if I make plans with her alone. We used to have a good balance of girlfriend time and time when she’d hang out with both of us (or in a larger group). But, once we got married, seeing us together would be upsetting to her. I tried to make an effort to spend time with just her and she’d invite (only me) to do things and be upset when I declined (mostly because it was at the last minute or I already had plans with DH (and invited her along, but she declined)).
For those that have a friend like this – how did you get past the issue? Or did it affect your friendship adversely?
Post # 3
Hmmm well…. I guess I would be irritated as well. They want to spend time with just you sometimes. Nothing wrong with that.
I think you need to take the lead here and set aside a time for just you and your friend. This could lead to a loss of a friendship.
Post # 4
I also don’t find this too odd. I thought about this for a while, and I really don’t hang out with most of my girlfriends as a group of three with just me and my husband. It would be sort of weird/awkward with most of my friends. Same as me and my husband hanging out with one of his buddies. We do have one friend where the three of us hang out a lot, call ourselves “Three’s Company” etc, but that’s more the exception than the rule in my group.
I would find it odd if she didn’t want to hang out with a big group of you, but I would make time for just you and your friend.
Post # 5
@oracle: This sort of happened with my old roommate. She wouldn’t hang out with us as a couple, but she would hang out with me alone. This was before Fiance and I lived together. I talked to her about it and I made a huge effort to spend alone time with her (weekly girl movie nights, coffee dates, shopping trips, etc.) but ultimately, our friendship ended. It was exhausting trying to walk on eggshells around her and not trying to upset her.
Post # 6
This is not really a problem for me but I wonder if she would feel more comfortable if she got to know your husband better? Would they hang out alone without you to maybe get on afriend level? I really like to encourage DH to get to know my freinds so they become his friends as well and then he looks forward to seeing them and they him and it is not a forced situation.
Post # 7
I don’t find anything wrong with this. When I hang with my girlfriends, it’s hard enough finding a baby sitter for the kids, so no, we want to hang alone. If we are hanging in a group, then the guys can come. If not, it’s us alone. Also, I haven’t made a lot of single friends since DH and I met about 6 years ago so I guess for me, if my friends want to hang with me alone, I would make the time for them. Before DH and I married, the only time we hung out together was if they came to my place or I went to their place to visit. I can’t remember just three of us making plans to go to the movies, bowling, broadway etc. OTOH, I never want to hang with DH and his friends except if they are coming with their wives.
Post # 8
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to hang out with a girlfriend & her husband all the time, either (whether I’m single or partnered). I’ll play the third wheel every now and then, but honestly, I find it irritating when a friend won’t commit to girl time and always has to include her guy.
Not to toot my own horn, but I feel like I have always been very good at making time for my girlfriends, whether I’m single or not. It’s something that is important to me, and as much as I love being around my Fiance, I think alone time with friends (for both of us) is important, too. So I find it incredibly annoying when my friends don’t place the same importance on one-on-one girlfriend time.
Post # 9
I was in a similar situation with a long-time friend. She would make SOME time for me, (not much) but many of our hang out times were with her bf turned fi turned dh. The more I hung out with the guy, the less I liked him. She is entitled to marry whomever she wants, but it doesn’t mean I have to be friends with HIM as well. He was brash, overbearing, and had to be right all the time. It was a nuisance, because he was the type of guy that never let anyone finish their sentences. It’s funny, because my friend recognized how annoying he was to “people that didn’t live with him.”
I tolerated him for the most part, but learned I could only handle him in moderation, and prefer to maintain my friendship with my friend beyond that guy. I don’t hate him, he’s just not company I would prefer to keep. In that way, it had effected how much time my friend and I got to spend with eachother. She didn’t get the message that I didn’t want to interact with him every time we hung out, so I declined a lot of invites, but I did not want to hurt her feelings by telling her I wasn’t fond of her mate. She is entitled to him, and I respect their relationship enough to leave my opinion out of it.
Post # 10
I would try to make time for just the two of you. I have a friend whose husband is around when we hang out at her place, and I really, really do like him. It’s definitely fun to hang with him. That said, there are a lot of times when we want to just hang out together, so we plan days like that, too. It would be pretty annoying if we never ever got time with just the two of us :(. I’d try to strike a balance, or just make time to hang out with only her. Being the third wheel can be pretty awkward sometimes.
Post # 11
After reading the question, I thought about it and honestly I usually hang out with my girl friends just the girls. We want to do or talk about things that wouldn’t be interesting to my husband anyway, and the single girls aren’t likely to want to open up about their dating lives, etc, with him around. Everybody gets along fine, but it’s usually either all girls, just the guys, or a big mixed group. I think a couple and a single can be a little awkward for the single– not to say we never do it, but it isn’t the norm for me.
Your friend probably just feels more comfortable opening up and really talking about things with just you, not you and your husband. Maybe she seems upset when you all hang out because she feels weird, or is worried that she is losing the friendship you had.
Post # 12
I am the other side of this. I have the fiance and I prefer to just hang out with my friends without him. It’s weird to bring 1 guy along to what would have been a girls only situation had you not brought him. I find that they can’t talk about the personal stuff they would have if he is there. They are my friends not his, yes they like him but really they don’t want to discuss their personal business with him and it’s awkward to try and force it so if it’s girls only then I don’t invite him.
Post # 13
It needs to be a balance. I try to make sure I spend time with my single friends alone, but I also expect them to spend some time with my DH as well because he’s a big part of my life and can’t just be cut out. I’m not going to ditch him for an event such as the 4th of July after all. (Oh wait, I did because he hates crowds!) In My Humble Opinion, if the friend hates the Fiance, it’s going to be hard to maintain a friendship with her. I have a friend where we don’t care for the boyfriend. We plan some gatherings with “just the gals” – leaving him and as collateral damage, my new husband home, and some with everyone.
To get to the bottom of this, it may be worthwhile to invite her to just a few her-only events, then a her-and hubby. If she declines, ask her about it. But, only do so if you are prepared for her an answer you may not like to hear.
Post # 14
I am on the flip side of this. I have a friend who got engaged and her true self came out in the whole process. She was already out of state and when she comes to visit she just makes us feel like an afterthought and at times is very rude.
For someone who always said she wished I could find a good guy she was not very nice when I introduced my boyfriend to her and her husband. She hardly acknowledged he was at the table and only wanted to talk about how much she hated the state we all lived in. I was mortified at her attitude.
Post # 15
Thanks, everyone, for the thoughtful responses.
I got married later in life, so I was the single friend while many of my friends got hitched. Because of that, I value the one-on-one friendship time, and also expect to hang out with the friends hubby’s from time to time.
I dated DH for 5 years before we got married. There was (or so I thought) a good balance of girl-time and group time and I assumed the balance would continue into our married life.
I don’t think this friend particularly likes DH – I’d say she tolerates him, but wouldn’t seek out his company.
I know she has issues with her single status – she’s made comments about being upset that I’m holding DH’s hand in public before (this is when we were out in a group)…
I’ve tried repeatedly to make an effort in making plans with just her – but our schedules were opposite and nothing ever seemed to work. She’d text me on a Saturday night and ask me to hang out that night (after I had plans with DH) and I’d invite her to join – or, invite her to grab drinks at the bar (if we were headed there), aside from trying to connect with her one-on-one.
I really don’t expect her to be a third-wheel ALL the time, but I feel like she has certain expectations – ie: you must hang out with me, at a bar, on a Saturday night – and me telling her: I’m tired or can we do something else at a different time – equates to her thinking I don’t want to hang out with her at all…. which, quite frankly, I’m realizing is starting to make me a bit resentful…. but, your responses really help and make me see that me getting married is a difficult transition for her and it’s important for me to make sure she knows she’s still important and has a place in my life.