Post # 1
My (unofficial) maid-of-honor is single and jaded and it is starting to exhaust me.
I just wanted to rant somewhere and I figured maybe some bees would understand:
My Maid/Matron of Honor is my best friend of 4 years, casual friends for 8. We used to be hard partiers together, briefly lived together and used to spend almost all day every day together. We were really really really close. However, as we got older, things changed. I met FH and got enrolled in college – she went and lived downtown. We live very different lifestyles (me = suburban-loving commuter college student that is a homebody, her = downtown-loving massage therapy student). I drink occassionally these days but she regularly has problems with alcohol (refer back to post that I have seen her pee her pants from peeing too drunk). Her family is not particularly supportive and both her parents are hardcore alcoholics.
Currently, she still relies on me to be her main person. If she is upset, she wants to come crash on my couch. If she is broke, she asks me for a loan (which I have finally learned to say no to). She doesn’t have a car and is usually broke so a lot of time our adventures require me driving and paying. She always tells me how I am her reason for living and how I’m her very best friend, yadda yadda. Now, don’t get me wrong – I do love my Maid/Matron of Honor. But, she isn’t my reason for living. Really, I could handle seeing her just a few times a month and be happy.
I feel like she is really needy and I’m over it. I’m pushing her to get a boyfriend, go to her church to make new friends, etc. I feel bad because it has to SUCK to be in her shoes. But, I also want to push her to grow. I cannot be her go-to person permanently and if she doesn’t work on dating or creating other social networks, I’ll go crazy and blow up on her.
I sound like such a bitch but I’m at a point where I almost dread getting her texts because she is constantly asking me to hang out and go do stuff (or do stuff for her). And now the most reecnt drama is her alcohol relapse – apparently she is back to drinking most days, all day, alone.
Anyone have any similar experiences with needy (and or alcoholic) friends? What did you do?
Post # 3
I have a best friend who relied 100% on me. I have, over the past year, weaned her down considerably. It was extremely hard for her. She hated me for it, but its for the best.
We also used to live together and she would 100% like to spend every single moment with me. I would be fine seeing her about once a week.
I’m attempting to save the friendship, but its a lot of hard work and a lot of her being disappointed. But I’m a grown woman and I don’t really want to see ANYONE besides my SO more than once or twice a week.
It was very hard at first to tell her no, but once I started to I became more comfortable with it. What I did is decided how much time I was comfortable giving to her. I decided that seeing her once on a weekend and maybe for coffee once during the week was all I could do. And then I stuck to that. No matter what, I stuck to that religiously.
She recently texted that she was upset (about something trivial) and that she NEEDED me to come over. Not a death, illness, or breakup. I texted back to say that I was so sorry that had happened, but that I wasn’t free that evening. No excuses, no negotiations.
She was pouty and hurt for a very long time when I began this process, but we are in a much better place now and she has made some new friends AND become more comfortable with living alone and spending some evenings alone. The friendship may be salvagable. I want it to be, I do adore her, I just don’t NEED her the way she needs me.
Post # 4
@kateisstoned: I’m sorry you’re going through this! It seems like it’s the opposite of the normal problem… Absentee Maid/Matron of Honor or bridesmaids.
I’m having a similar problem with my Maid/Matron of Honor… He (my bestie is a guy) has been very clingy as the planning progresses. It’s difficult because I love that he’s so reliable, and I do value his friendship. It’s just that he is almost suffocating me with his constant messages and compliments. I’m feeling overwhelmed dealing with him, he’s SUPER emotional. When Fiance and I got engaged he cried probably 5 or 6 times and I think he’s more emotional about the whole thing than I am. I just want him to RELAX ALREADY. It’s difficult because I feel sometimes that I am managing his emotions more than getting to be excited for myself.
My Future Mother-In-Law (whom I was close to) passed away less than 2 months ago, I’m having a tough time at work right now, and I have a very high energy puppy… plus planning a wedding… I need to deal with my own stuff first, ya know? I totally get where you’re coming from! I feel exactly the same way. I love him, he’s just not my reason for living… Heck, no one but my Fiance should this taking up so much time. And Fiance NEEDS me right now. He just lost his mom!
I think you should try to lay all this out very honestly but kindly before you blow up. I DID blow up. I’m not sorry I was honest with him, but I really wish I had done it sooner and not been so blunt.