(Closed) Single..but this is where I feel I can get the best advice.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9653 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

Big *hugs* don’t try to think of it as going out to prove him wrong, think of it as spending quality and well earned time on yourself! Go to the movies, get a massage, anything you enjoy.

Post # 4
1999 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@angustia:  First of all, (((HUGS))). I know how you feel, I felt like a lot like that after having left my (borderline?) abusive ex who told me something like “nobody will ever love you like I do, and put up with your shit like I do”. I also had no problem being over him but his wrods scared me, especially with everyone around me getting married and having children.

But you know what? Bullies will say stuff like that to make you stay, or just to hurt you when they know you’re leaving. It’s a bunch of lies. I’ve also been told I’m intimidating and hard to approach. It took my lovely, and utterly shy SO nearly 6 months before I ever went out with him – silly me, I liked him but I thought by asking me out for coffee he was just being polite to his new coworker! lol  

My point is, you WILL meet someone new, and probably in the most unlikely place too. In line at the grocery store, maybe?  And when a guy really likes you, and is worth your time, he will make an effort to get closer to you despite of how unapproachable you may seem. Don’t worry. 

As for getting out and meeting new people, how about speed dating or online dating? You could try it just for fun to help you break the ice and feel more confident about getting back out there. Maybe you won’t meet the love of your life like that but it could help you make new friends. 

Oh, and have you thought about joining some sort of interest group? Like… I don’t know, a hiking lovers group, or a book club? It might make you feel less anxious when it’s an organized meeting and you’ll probably want to attend when it’s something you really like.  

Just take it one step at a time and don’t be too hard on yourself. Good luck! 🙂

Post # 5
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

* Bookmarking to come back *


Post # 6
18 posts
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think most of us have been exactly where you are – starting over can be challenging.  But it’s also usually filled with excitement and opportunity!  It sounds to me like you’re putting pressure on yourself to get out, and also to be dating.  My sister once gave me amazing advice – now is the time to focus on YOU.  If you don’t want to go out, don’t!  If you do, do!  If you want to eat a pint of ice cream – go for it.  Treat yourself to a mani/pedi, a massage, a new hair cut, whatever, just take the time now to really treat yourself as your very best friend.  No pressure. Time is the best healer, and eventually you will find yourself actually wanting to head out for drinks with friends, or who knows? joining an online dating site?  But for now I’d say you need to relax, enjoy sunny California, and treat yourself special!!!

Post # 7
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@angustia:  *Hugs*

I think what you’re feeling is quite normal. I know that after my long-term relationship finally broke up for good (was a toxic on/off mess for 5 years), I had to figure a lot out. Honestly, I spent a ton of time at home watching old TV shows, and doing a whole lot of nothing. I gave myself that time… I had no one to impress, and after a while I stopped caring when people at work on Mondays would ask what I did on the weekend and I would only have “I relaxed” as an answer.

I don’t think you should force yourself to get out there until you’re actually ready. You have a lot going on, and you’re doing enough. Once you feel ready, you will put yourself out there.. trust me! A few months after my ex and I broke up, I was at a friend’s party and was asked out. I forced myself to go on a date with the guy, and it only confirmed I was not ready to date. I then started dating my Fiance almost a year after that. Sure, I was lonely at times… but I also needed that time alone.

If your ex’s best comeback is “you’ll be lonely without me” then that’s quite pathetic. It’s better to be lonely than in a bad relationship. Nothing wrong with being lonely. We’re all human.

You just need to be good to yourself. If that means spending more time at home, then so be it. Some people need that constant busy lifestyle to recover emotionally. Others need some down time.

Post # 8
7219 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

I know this is often my answer but really really consider therapy. It sounds like that guy did a number on you. You’re understandably nervous about talking to people you know about this. Talking to a therapist might do wonders for you.
Other than that, try looking on meetup or a similar site for events and groups that interest you. groups with primarily female members might be best right now. I know near me there are mostly female crafting groups and all female book clubs. Something like that- with a set agenda and focus- might be a good way to ease back into the social scene. 

Post # 9
9682 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@angustia:  Have you considered online dating? You are still “getting out there” but you don’t actually have to leave (unless you decide you want to meet one of those guys). It is a safe way to enter the dating world again and it can definitely help boost up your confidence. I don’t think it is taboo anymore – pretty much every couple I know met online.

I went through a really bad period after my ex and I broke up, so I know exactly what you are going through. I literally just forced myself to go out and do things, especially when I didn’t want to. I joined a gym; a book club; a hiking group; and the list could go on. I wanted to meet some single gals and just get out there and have fun!

It will not be easy, but I do promise that it will be worth it.

Post # 10
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@angustia:  I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  You very poignantly wrote a post that tugged at my heart strings for you.  I think I just want you to know that what you are doing, or how you are doing things IS OK.  You are grieving the loss of a life you once knew, and trying to figure out a life you will now lead.  I give you a TON of props for making such huge decision thus far.  Out of all the steps you have taken, I would say that dating being the last priority is more than OK in your situation.  You said it yourself, you are trying to better YOU, and even though you feel you have not done that entirely you should be applauding the strides you have taken.


I can absolutely remember a time, albeit much different than yours, where I was the only ‘single’ gal at social events.  Much like you, I pretended it did not bother me, or I did not care.  Whether my act was vivid to my friends, I am not sure, but hey…at least I did not drop off the face of the planet because of it.  And hey, you have not either!


I think telling a tiny white lie to those that ask about you dating is probably a really smart move.  If you say NO, you will absolutely get the pity stare, or worse, advice on how to date, or even worse, people setting you up left and right.  I think by you saying yes, when that is untruthful, you are merely protecting yourself.  Good for you!


The steps to the door knob you have taken are HUGE.  It may not seem that way because you have not turned it, and opened the door. But you know what?  Are you ready too?  If the answer is truly a resounding “NO!”, then not dating is exactly what you should be doing right now.  In the interum, taking care of you is going to be most important.  And you are…you are by going to school, going to work, and going on those walks around the neighborhood.  When you are ready, you will walk out the door, or you will approach those men staring at you and introduce yourself.  I promise you, you will.  You seem really strong.


And then, if what you are doing is not what you want to be doing, then joining a dating site may be a great first step. It will allow you to ‘shop’ around, if you will.  Chat with people before meeting them.  Getting ‘out there’ without commitment or pressure from friends.


Your exes words are/were harsh.  Letting them define you would mean he ‘won’.  However, do not let the fact you may not be ready to date transcend toward his words being the cause.  Because eventually, you will be ready, and his words will be something you will laugh at when you find someone worthy of you.


I wish you all the luck!!


Post # 11
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Online dating –>huge self esteem booster purely due to 1 woman to 4 man ratio, you will get TONS of attention.

My friends use: pof.com

Post # 12
1113 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry you are feeling this pain. I have a great friend who is single, and EVERYONE else in our friend group has already gotten married or is engaged. Speaking to this friend has really clued me in on the kind of emotions it seems you share.

First of all, I hate that your ex’s words have scarred you. I know how that can be – a broken record playing over and over in your head. His hurtful words, his condescending tone when he said them, the look on his face, etc. It all comes pouring back in and you can’t shake it. But know this: he is wrong. He is so, so wrong.

You mentioned wanting to “prove” to him that he is wrong. Let me just say…that is a bad mentality to start out with! If you want to go out, do it for yourself. But if you want to spend a night alone watching TV – do THAT for yourself too. Don’t do anything for anyone else – including him, to “prove him wrong.”

You also mentioned that you’ve recently finished school and started a full time job. That’s the same boat me and my friends are in. It is a TOUGH time of life to go through another big change (like a break up). You are definitely going through an adjustment period. And there is absolutely no shame in staying in as opposed to going out. There is no shame in telling people the truth – that you haven’t been dating. As long as you say that with confidence, people will not pity you. You are your own woman.

Again, I’m so sorry for these emotions you are feeling. Everything takes time. And your ex’s words will fade with time. Your social anxiety will fade with time (when treated with a feeling of self-worth and confidence), and you will adjust to your new life over time. Time time time…it will take time. Don’t be discouraged in the waiting process.


Post # 14
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@angustia:  Honestly, reading your past posts give the impression that he is weak and insecure and you are strong so he said those hurtful words to you to take you down a peg or two. You’ll find a strong man who wants a strong woman, don’t you worry!

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