- 5 years ago
Hello bees!! It’s been quite a while since I have posted and I hope all is going well for everyone on the site!
I have officially graduated from college and moved back to sunny California, started working, finishing prerequisities for grad school and the life changes are starting to cave in on me! I thought moving back home would be a wonderful thing, but it’s somehow been worse and I wanted some advice. I know this is a wedding website and I am no longer planning one, but I have received such support from you ladies, this is the only place I can think to come in my time of need.
Before my ex left, he said some horrible things along the lines of me being lonely forever without him blah blah blah, and I have sort of developed a social anxiety as a result. I moved back here and my friends are either coupled off and/or engaged, and/or married. I kind of feel like the odd man out. I’m usually a very outgoing person who loves to do things and meet people, but between school, working 35-40 hours a week and starting a new life— I just don’t feel I have it in me to get up. I feel a great sense of shame for my relationship not working out….especially after how long I had been working at it. I have been hiding from people I love because I feel that they don’t understand. I put on my fake happy face every day, but it’s painful.
I struggle with the desire to beat these feelings of isolation by getting out and doing me—-but I also reach the door knob and turn back and sit on the couch. I want to prove him wrong and prove to myself that I can get out there and live my life and meet someone on the way, but it literally scares me to leave my place because I feel people can see right through me. Don’t get me wrong, I go places. I go to work, I go to school and I try to take walks around my neighborhood, but I used to do so much more. I want to make more friends, engage in new activities and become a better person because of it. I’m definitely past HIM—just can’t get past his words….
I’m frequently asked if I have gone on any dates and depending on the person who asks, I lie and say that I have. It’s childish, I should know better…but I’m so embarrassed. It’s like a catch-22: I know that in order to meet guys and be asked out– I should be out, but I don’t want to be out because no one has asked me out. I catch lots of stares from guys, but much like my experiences before I met the ex, they walk right on by without saying anything or tell me I am “intimidating”. So I feel like he is right, and I should just stay to myself until i gather the strength to show my face in public again
whenever that is. In the meantime, I put my best character forward during my day, and cry myself to sleep at night…
I don’t know what to do with myself or where to begin. I have kind of given up hope on feeling better because “better” seems so far way. I guess I just needed to put my feelings out there to an awesome community and see what is thrown my way. I am very confused about a lot of things and very scared. I’m scared that the time spent with him is the best time I’m going to have and I should just accept it. I keep avoiding people in my life because of my shame and embarrassment and I just need help. Thank you for making it to the end of this if you have. As always, I appreciate it very much.