Sinking feeling he's hiding something

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Based on the massive amount of red flags there is literally no possible way he’s not looking at and talking to actual women and jerking off to them. It’s not porn, because you said you’re fine with that. It was probably a hook up app you saw. The gaslighting was a huge sign that he is not a good guy. Not only is he cheating on you, he’s willing to mess with your head and actively try to make you feel crazy to absolve himself of any guilt.

Dont delude yourself into brushing it off and staying. This guy is not going to change. He’ll just hide it better next time.

Post # 32
Member
9352 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

duchessgummybunns :  

Yeah, My ex was a sleaze, too.  He went berserk one night because he thought I had TOUCHED the Cheater’s Hotline Phone.  He came really unhinged and presented incontrovertible evidence against me—he saw a scratch!  How else could a phone, carried by a guy who fools with cars and is remodeling a house possibly get scratched, unless I did it?  His usual unassailable logic.

Truth:  I never touched the damn phone.  I don’t do that stuff.  I’m not 100% certain it was because I have very strong feelings about personal boundaries, or because I was afraid of what I might find.

Enter Dh, who has, in nearly 15 years, not given me 30 seconds of anxiety about cheating, including when he was away on business for 3-5 weeks at a time.

I used his IPad yesterday for something that needed to get done that required access to his email (easier than looking through all of my stuff for his passwords).  It was one of those little tasks that just needs to be gotten out of the way and everyone will better off for it.  There is a deadline, and Dh is a major procrastinator.

So, I do this little thing on his IPad.  I didn’t expect to find anything interesting.  And I wasn’t disappointed.  His browser was open to aviation sites, a weather site, and I can’t recall what else.  All boring.

So, dh comes home from work and I let him know I used his IPad.  Dh:  Oh.  Okay.

Me:  Don’t you even want to know why?

Dh:  Sure, why did you use my IPad today?

I explained it and he was just delighted that I did his segment of this thing, so now he doesn’t have to.

Bees, this is how it’s supposed to work.  The situation with Dh is not an anomaly.  So many Bees are in so much pain over their SO’s friggin phones.  I’m starting to think that a policy of Full Phone Transparency has to be negotiated early on.

Not that anything will stop a determined cheater, who can get another phone.

It just breaks my heart.  Bees, if you are at the point that you’re feeling the need to go through your SO’s phone or computer, it’s time to call it a day and find someone who doesn’t trigger all of the flashing red lights.

Post # 35
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2019

there’s definitely something he hides behind you and won’t tell you about it unless you caught him red-handed

Post # 36
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

sunflower7878 :  Are you familiar with Patreon?  You should do a Google search and check out photos of what the app looks like both on the visual and text/chat side.  If this guy has Snapchat paid subscriptions, I’m willing to bet money he’s also paying for Patreon privileges.  He’s probably hiding it because this goes beyond “just porn” — these chicks do private videos, private photos, live videos, private texts, group texts, special photos, requests, etc. all to “personalize” the experience of the guy who is paying for her service.  These guys get attached to the women, and him checking up to see what tomorow’s vids were going to be would definitely have his heart racing, afraid you’d catch him.

 

If a guy’s shady behavior starts making you feel crazy, ALWAYS walk away.  You don’t need hard evidence, you have enough already. And a lot of the time, when you find out pieces of what he was hiding….you wish you had never known.

Post # 37
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

(If it was Patreon and he has an iPhone, even if he deletes the app after he finishes with it every morning/night so you cannot see it, it will show up in his downloaded app history.) 

Post # 38
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

This man is seriously bad news. You need to seriously consider if this relationship is worth saving.

Post # 40
Member
10028 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

sunflower7878 :  OMG, it is beyond disturbing that you put your child through that.  What the hell are you thinking?  She’s a CHILD!  You don’t explain adult things to a child, this hurts my heart.  I’m furious at you on her behalf.  That was beyond cruel.  Please, take a parenting class immediately.  You could potentially even lose custody because of that.  You NEVER, EVER involve a child in adult matters.  EVER.  I’m sorry, I am shaking right now.  You emotionally tortured your baby, get that through your head.  You can’t take that back. 

Also, if you ever leave the cheating bastard your daughter will really believe that it is her fault because if she’s keeping you together right now but in the future when you split up, she will blame herself.  Way to go, Mom.

There is a right way and a wrong way to get a divorce/break up.  Please speak to a counselor and protect your child.   Please.

Post # 41
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

Sunfire :  How judgemental of you.

Sure, she probably shouldn’t have told the kid they were breaking up, but jesus christ it’s not like she was calling the dude all kinds of names or anything aggressive.

And no, you can’t lose custody of a child for telling your kid the truth. Parents break up all the time. If that were the case, 60% of America would have lost their children.

Bee, you already opened the can of worms for honesty with your kid. I’d sit down with her and just make it clear you and daddy are trying to be better, and you’re sorry for not considering her feelings when telling her.

I do hope, though, that for your sake, things get better. If he’s honestly just jerking off, that’s one thing, but it’d be a whole other thing if he was paying for private video chats.

Post # 42
Member
10028 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

simplebee92 :  I’m sorry for sounding harsh but what she did was psychologically and emotionally harmful to her child.  I’ve been divorced with a child so I know how it goes.  I protected my child, I did not subject him to emotional drama.  You just don’t do that, it’s cruel.  

Post # 44
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Sunfire :  Why are you berating her? She’s already in a weakened emotional state, her update made that very obvious. Should she have told her daughter in the way she did? No. But she hasn’t ruined her daughter and she wont lose custody. How dare you fear monger someone who is already feeling at their lowest. 

 

 

OP, emotions were running high last night. Take some time with your daughter, go out for icecream or something and apologize for last night. She needs to know that you are there for her and that you will try to do better. Explain to her that you are working through some issues but that you will put her first and do everything that you can to keep her life as stable as possible. 

Take some deep breaths and give yourself some time. Nothing has to happen immediately as long as there is no abuse going on. Have him sleep on the couch or in the guest room while you figure this out. Dont be so hard on yourself but in the future do be aware that your reactions and words have a huge impact on your daughter. 

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