sis-in-law baby shower drama

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Leave it alone! Don’t respond.

Baby showers can happen at any time. Responding to the host would have been appropriate. Responding to the party couple is a little strange, telling them you unfortunately can’t make it is one thing, but telling them you didn’t get an invite when they didn’t send the invites and you were on the guest list… If the invite came to your husbands email and had both your names, you got an invitation, why wouldn’t you just respond no though his evite.

You have an overthinking problem. I am so sorry! Just breathe and let it go!

Post # 3
Member
6788 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Another vote to leave it alone. 

Post # 4
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Yep you are overthinking.  Just let it go.

Post # 5
Member
3466 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Leave it alone. I also think it’s a little strange to respond to the guest of honor rather than the person hosting the party who sent the invites out, but what’s done is done. She’s been made aware you won’t be in attendance and that was all you were looking to do.

Post # 6
Member
12237 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Surprise shower or not, it was your husband who should have contacted the host, not the guest of honor, and had an invitation sent or resent. It’s possible that as you suspect all this is consistent with a pattern of passive aggressive behavior, but also that your SIL didn’t know about the party and the exclusion was an oversight. 

A master list of guests and and their replies is meant for the host, not appropriate to share with guests, and not an invitation. 

If you did ruin the surprise, and I share your skepticism all things considered, I disagree in principle with PPs since apologizing would be the right thing to do. But I suspect there is more history here. Is there a reason she doesn’t approve of your relationship with her brother? When she told you she didn’t want to be closer did you have any idea why? 

Post # 8
Member
7049 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Just leave it alone. You know her personality, you know she’s just baiting you. Also you should have responded to the host, not the guest of honor. 

In the future I would just not make any effort. She made it clear she doesn’t want a relationship with you and I can understand trying to be the bigger person but honestly it seems like it’s not even worth it. One thing I will say is that having kids changes you, and for mean people it can often change you for the better. In my life I’ve known some pretty bitchy/mean self entitled people who really turned a corner after becoming a mom. I’m not saying to forget all the rude things she’s done but I would just keep your distance and see how it all plays out in the future.

Post # 11
Member
12237 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

eb123 :  That may be, but did you or your husband ever try asking her if you did something to offend her?  

Post # 12
Member
5567 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

weddingmaven :  some people are just gross. My sil hated me because I had a baby out of wedlock, she told everyone else but me.

Really, she hated me because I’m happy and I built a good life for myself. She had a hatred for anyone in her life that was happy, it was plain as day, except to her. Some people really are just miserable and nothing you do will resolve that because the problem is within them

Post # 13
Member
5567 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

starfish0116 :  people can change, but my sil put herself above all three of her kids until the day she died. Becoming a parent CAN change someone but sometimes it’s just adding innocent kids into the mess

I do agree about watching from a distance and seeing how things play out. I wouldn’t hold out hope for change though, it’s nice if change happens, but it doesn’t always.

Post # 15
Member
5567 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

eb123 :  I am a master at beating myself up… try and remind yourself that you did what you thought was the right thing to do based on your husband’s advice.

I think you’re making this into a much bigger thing for yourself by opening yourself up to feeling even worse. I do get why you messaged the host to try and make amends, but I do this game with myself and it always just ends up with me beating the hell out of myself.

You’re going to feel like garbage if it really was a surprise, when what’s done is done. You thought this would be the best way and then she threw you for a loop.

Even if the host says it WAS a surprise, I don’t think I would go back to sil again.

My relationship with my sil was horrible. She was miserable and she told people how much she hated me, I walked on eggshells with her to try and not make her hatred worse or offend her or anything like that. It was a lot of guilt, a lot of over thinking, a lot of anxiety and it wasn’t even MY issue. I feel like I understand where you are coming from because of what I went through with her.

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