(Closed) Sis In-law drama

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ugh, I am so sorry. She sounds like a nightmare. I have a similar story with my SIL that I won’t even bother elaborating. One thing I have learned is that you have to be a team with your Fiance. My husband initially took the “this is my sister, how dare you ever say anything bad about her” approach. Honestly, the entire drama was the closest we have come to breaking up. But eventually he came to see that I was his first priority and loyalty. It made coping with her more bearable. And now that we are married and I have been allowed into the family a little more, guess what, she has problems with EVERYONE. What used to make me feel incredibly isolated, now frankly, is something to bond with with my Mother-In-Law and BILs wife.

I know how impossible and frustrating this feels. I have completely been there. Hang in there!!

Post # 4
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! It was certainly very nice of you to try to include her. To me, it sounds like she’s in “mom mode” trying to control everything and say what’s best but also kind of tattling on you.

If you and your Fiance agree that she’s gone overboard, just let her do what she needs, leave early, take a nap, whatever. Spread the word to your other BM’s that she’s an honorary Bridesmaid or Best Man and will stand with you at the wedding but really doesn’t need to be involved with anything else. You can remind her that she’s got her hands full with her family and that you don’t want to burden her with wedding stuff, you just want her to stand with you for you and her brother. Do you think that would work?

Post # 5
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

It was really nice of you to include her, its unfortunate that its causing more trouble than its worth. I think mary alice has the best solution, hope there’s some way to keep her from causing more trouble. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

wow sorry to hear that

 

well think of it this way you are marrying her brother, which is a lot more than the wedding itself

 

good luck!

Post # 7
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Oh boy.  DRAMA!  I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this, as if planning your wedding isn’t stressful enough.

One thing that sort of rubbed me the wrong way was the lack of support from your Fiance when you approached him about this sister.  Of course, the way you approach it is also important.  But I would think he would be a little more understanding to what you’re saying (I mean, he did grow up with her.  I’m sure he knows what she’s like). You are his future wife, his teammate and he should be looking out for you…especially when it’s someone from his immediate family who is causing you stress.

I understand that your Mother-In-Law (to be) is paying for a chunk of the shower but a shower should be a reflection of the bride and her tastes.  Not of the SIL and her tastes. Your friend, the wedding planner…I would ask her to intervene again.  Someone has to put their foot down. 

When is this shower?

Post # 8
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

I would stay out of it and ask your friends/other bridal party members not to inform you about it.  I really think this can only cause problems. It’s a shower..who cares if it’s a little dated. She is ‘taking control’ and very involved. Lots of bees would love someone to do that. I know it’s not perfect but I’d say pick your battles and i personally wouldn’t chose this one. Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think your Future Sister-In-Law is necessarily wrong for putting her kids first.  It seems a little bit much on the outside but if her life revolves around her kids, I think it’s great and it’s actually a blessing to her children to have a devoting mother.  I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way but your venting might have come off a little insensitive on this subject.  If she has no life and she’s okay with it, then by all means – power to her. 

One thing that I have to agree with you is that she doesn’t seem much of a team player, and this could possibly be because she doesn’t have many or no friends and she doesn’t really know how to deal with it.  Do you have the kind of relationship with her wher eyou can pull her aside and let her know how you feel? 

Post # 11
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Gosh! I remember a post that was almost exactly similar, I’ll see if I can find it but it was awhile ago. I think the majority of responses suggested that the Maid/Matron of Honor calmly approach SIL’s mother (or father) to see the best way to reign her in. Then, she must simply tell SIL that there are certain details that cannot be changed and while her idea might work, the rest of the bridal party wants to go in a different direction.

Post # 12
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this.  I’m a big fan of “Kill em with kindness”.  Your bridesmaids need to decide what is worth picking a battle over and what isn’t.  Maybe the favors they can let go, but they should get together to bring up their ideas for the decor.  Maybe if your bridal party (sans sil) went to your Future Mother-In-Law and said that they are some of you best friends, cousins, sister, etc and that they feel like they aren’t getting to help plan at all, your Future Mother-In-Law may side with them on at least a few issues. 

Post # 13
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, on a positive note, if she is ‘difficult’ and not very social in general, then it may be a great compliment to you that she wants to be this involved in planning your shower. You said she usually is not that interested in anything other than her kids, right? So her interest in your shower may be her awkward way of trying to express her affection for you.

Also, a little aside about life revolving around your children…I’m gonna have to say that in my mind, that is not such a great thing. I say this as someone who works with children and families and experiences ‘disruptive’ family dynamics on a regular basis. I think it’s much healthier for the kids when the parents have some balance and a life of their own. I’ve seen enough dysfunctional situations crop up in my line of work, as the result of a parent’s universe revolving around a child.

Post # 14
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@adgirl – I think you’re taking the right attitude. At least she’s not planning your wedding!

As someone else said, maybe her controlling behavior shows that she’s just trying very hard to do a good job. If she has a difficult personality and not many friends, your fiancé may just be protective of her. I know there is no way to get my back up faster than to badmouth my big bro! (even when he’s being annoying) Maybe you could approach him and your Mother-In-Law in another way, talking about how much responsibility she’s taking on – on top of her duties as a mom – and suggest that she should delegate more to the other girls who have fewer responsibilities at home. You could concentrate on your concern for her and let them know that you don’t want her to be stressed out by trying to do too much. 

Just one idea. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

SOME sister in laws suck. End of story.

I’ve had no problems with his parents, his aunts & uncles, or cousins… but one of his sisters is such a monster. Her snarky comments make me want to run and hide. I definitely feel your pain. I have to say, you are a much better person than me for asking her to be a bridesmaid!

For the sake of your marriage & future family relations– you do have to put up with who/how she is, smile & thank her for her help!!

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