(Closed) Sister and I engaged at the same time.

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

lyssag222:  I’m sorry you feel this way, bee. There really isn’t anything you can do other than work on your own feelings of insecurity and enjoy your wedding and engagement when it rolls around.

Could you perhaps see a councelore to help with these feelings?

Post # 3
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

lyssag222: congrats to you both! I second pp to talk with someone about how you’re feeling. 

She’s able to plan because she’s engaged. You’re planning but can’t reserve dates, put down deposits, etc. because you aren’t yet engaged, right?

And about the budget thing – would putting off your wedding enable you to increase your budget? That could be a silver lining!

Post # 4
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should wait until you are “officially engaged” (which I think is a silly term By The Way, if you are planning your wedding you’re engaged, I don’t get why people do this) until you start getting in a fit about your sister and your wedding dates clashing.  

Why is your sisters budget part of your “big problem”? It has nothing to do with you.  Your sister is engaged, planning, and may or may not take your “dream date”.  Wait until you are in a position to actually put deposits down before you actually even start caring about this stuff.  If you guys are seriously this into wedding planning (you and your boyfriend), you’re engaged and should start putting deposits down.

Weddings are full of compromise.  I had to put off my date (chose to, just as you will) because I did’t want to get married in FL outside in the dead of summer and my husband was in about 6 weddings before ours, so most of the weekends were booked for him, if not by our venue.  I still got married (a bit later than I originally planned), but all was well.  Some family came from out of town, some didn’t.  It’s fine.

Relax and let up on the wedding planning until you are actually engaged.  Save some money in the mean time.   Stop caring so much about your sisters budget, it has 0 to do with you.  Focus on getting married, not the party.

Post # 5
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

She got engaged first, so she gets to plan first. It doesn’t matter anyway. You’re always going to be unhappy if you’re comparing yourself to others.

Post # 6
Member
6271 posts
Bee Keeper

Ahh. I do feel for you. Everything everyone else is totally correct and comparing steals the joy etc BUT I do get why you feel a bit second best which comes out in your post. 

all I will say is I’ve been to big budget glossy weddings and teeny no frill affairs and I have to say there is no correlation between happiness and love on the day. 

I say use this time to stand back. She’s ahead of the game. Let her do all her planning.  Your time will come soon and you can enjoy your ‘official engagement’ then as her news won’t be so current. Hunker down with your Fiance and focus on making it a beautiful day for the two of you. I’m doing a wedding on a comparatively small budget and actually it’s really fun!  You’ll have a ton of details she won’t have. when it’s official, practically (and lovingly) talk to your family about dates etc if getting certain people there is important to you. 

Post # 7
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I totally understand why you feel this way — even if it’s not “right” to feel jealous, it’s a totally human and natural response, and I suspect it would poke at me if I were in your position too.

Having said that, maybe you can try changing the way you look at it?  For example, go ahead and postpone your wedding until 2017, and perhaps that will give you more time to save money for your dream photographer or a nicer venue.  It will also give you more time to do budget DIY projects that will make your wedding unique to you regardless of budget, and give your out of state family time and money to attend both weddings.  

There are real advantages to long engagements.  When I got engaged in December 2014, at first I didn’t like the idea of waiting until June 2016, but now I’m glad we are waiting — and time has gone by must faster than I expected.  My wedding will be here before I know it…. yours will too.

Post # 8
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I hope my sisters never feel like this.  I’m the oldest and in the best position financially.  However, my middle sister had a gorgeous wedding on about $6k.  She really just got in there and haggled and budgeted and DIY’d and it was stunning.  I’ve been to two beautiful weddings under $3k (one was in a park, the other was at his parents’ home).  I get that it can be hard to see things out of your price range and be bummed, but please do not let your budget make you feel like your wedding is “less than”.  

This isn’t about her and from your post, it doesn’t sound like she’s rubbing it in your face.  Since she’s planning first, maybe you could share your vision and she could pass along vendor info or other ideas your way?  Who knows, she might be thrilled to help? (I certainly would be!)  

Even if your sister’s budget was the same as yours, there will always be someone with more.  You’ll get married and then see that other friends have bigger houses or nicer cars or kids who are more talented than yours in a particular area.  You’re really setting yourself up here for a lot of unhappiness.  I hate to see anyone do that.  

Post # 9
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Your tag line says it all… You’re jealous. Its a common feeling that people have had at LEAST once in their life. You need to stop comparing your life with your sister’s. She got engaged before you.. who cares? You have been with your boyfriend longer then she’s been with her fiance.. who cares? Your time will come. If you don’t quit this jealous feeling, you’re only hurting yourself and eventually hurting your sister.

Post # 10
Member
7682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

lyssag222:  I agree with some of the other posters above. But I also understand.  However, I think there could be some silver linings with this.  Perhaps you could get a similar venue, but in the off season, or not on a Saturday.  Perhaps you can use some of the items your sister purchases after, but then use the money you have on things that are more unique to you?  Use the money that you have wisely.  My daughter’s wedding cost $5K because we didn’t have more money to spend without getting a loan, but it looked like it cost so much more!  Perhaps you can negotiate with her vendors, (getting a family discount?) Or maybe booking for a shorter period of time.  Think out of the box. If you want help with more ideas to make your wedding what you want, for less, you can send me a Private Message with more specifics, I wouldn’t mind trying to help brainstorm. 🙂

 

Post # 11
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

While I definitely understand why you’re upset, maybe you can turn it into a positive. You and your sister could spend some really nice time together planning. You could go dress shopping together, she might be willing to help you with some DIY projects, etc. And if you are planning together you can make sure that your weddings aren’t more similar than you are comfortable with, although I doubt anyone would notice any similarities. You will notice the details a lot more than guests will. 

Post # 12
Member
936 posts
Busy bee

Does your sister or family know that you too will be engaged soon and planning a wedding?  I think the suggestions from others are all great ideas!  I hope there is a compromise that you’re happy with 🙂

Post # 13
Member
3875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

As best as possible, stop comparing your wedding to hers. I had a dream wedding, dream photographer, dream dress prior to getting engaged, but you know what, once I realized what my budget actually was, I looked elsehwere. This venue may be your “dream” but I bet you can find something that is more affordable and that you like just as much. Same with a photographer. And I don’t know if I technically support pushing your wedding date back just to save more more to have “better” stuff. I had a long engagement and I hated it–Even though my wedding was lovely and I’m glad we had it, I still wish we had said “eff it” to half the stuff we thought was important and have gotten married about a year earlier. 

Also, just putting this out there: My older sister got married four years before me. Her wedding was STUNNING. Her budget was 3x my budget. However, not putting my sister’s wedding down, but I have been told so many times since the wedding that mine was the most “unique” or the most “gorgeous” wedding anyone had ever been to because I packed it full of DIY and made it really personal. I suggest looking at that as an option. 

Post # 14
Member
3040 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

The problem is you keep saying you HAVE to do things because of her when, in reality, you don’t…Yes, your budget isn’t her budget. If you have an issue with that then take the time to save up the budget you want before the engagement or marriage. However, everything else…date and what not…is up to you. You can pick what you want just as she can. If you’re moving it farther out then that’s of your own accord.

I agree with other that you should stop comparing and focus on what’s important. You can either make your day or break it.

Post # 15
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

My sister and I are engaged at the same time. And we are both the other’s MOH’s. And my brother is also engaged. My family is crazy with weddings! We all have different budgets, different styles, and different timelines. In this scenario, I am the older sister who has had the shortest relationship with the biggest (by far) budget who is getting married first.

My suggestion is to try to ENJOY being engaged at the same time as your sister. My sister and I take turns: we do something for her and she gets everyone’s attention. Then, we do something for me and I get everyone’s full attention. It’s not a competition. Instead of focusing on what your sister is doing, try to focus on the wedding that you want to have within your budget. If she wasn’t engaged, what would you want? Her engagement does not affect your budget or your vision. It will not affect your marriage. You may even save money by sharing certain things–for example, my sister will get my neutral-colored linens when I’m done with them so she has them for FREE. I would give her anything that we used if she wanted it (or be perfectly fine with her not wanting it). See if you can find some ways of letting wedding planning make your closer.

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