Post # 1
I’m 25 and my sister is 22. We’re Christians and grew up with pretty strict teaching in regards to dating and relationships. My boyfriend and I have sleepovers from time to time. We also recently had sex for the first time. My sister has no idea about this aspect of our relationship. She’s in school and lives with roommates across town. My parents live nearby but they aren’t aware either. I have my own apartment and my boyfriend owns his own home. My sister still thinks that we’re waiting until marriage. She’s currently single and plans to wait until marriage.
My boyfriend and I have a ski trip planned immediately after Christmas. I suspect that my boyfriend plans to propose at Christmas or during the trip. The other day my sister was questioning me about our sleeping arrangements and making silly comments. She tends to be pretty blunt and doesn’t have a filter. I don’t want to be totally dishonest but I don’t see where it benefits anyone to be totally open.
How should I go about this? Is saying nothing at all best?
Post # 2
I’d tell her your *private* life is none of her freaking business… geez. That is so weird that she would even ask imo.
Post # 3
Look, I think you need to own (to at least yourself) that you decided not to wait for marriage. You had sex with somebody you love and hope to marry. You are an adult and it’s your prerogative. It’s also your choice to tell or lie or just tell her it’s none of her business. But mostly, just accept your choice and try to separate it from him proposing or not. It shouldn’t matter and it it does then you should have waited.
Post # 4
You don’t have to be honest or lie, it isn’t anyone else’s business. It’s rude and creepy to be asking you about your sleeping arrangements, tell her that next time she asks.
Post # 5
I’d tell her it’s kind of creepy and wierd for her to ask these things.
Post # 6
I disagree with PPs that it’s automatically rude or creepy for a sister to ask about sleeping arrangements or your sex life. It really depends on how close you are with your sister. (My sis is my best friend, and we can talk about anything.)
If you think your sister would judge you or spill your secrets to your parents, then sure, that’s awful. But maybe she’s curious about your choices because she’s questioning whether to wait herself, or maybe she’s already had sex with a prior partner but hasn’t known how to tell you. Or maybe she’s gotten some hint that you’re not waiting, and she’s trying to get you to realize you can confide in her. There’s no way for strangers on the internet to know her motivation, or your relationship. It’s up to you whether you feel you can trust her, and whether you want to share such personal details about your life with her or anyone else.
Edited to add: you could consider a middle road that is somewhat honest but somewhat vague. Something like, “Boyfriend and I are close, and we are comfortable sleeping in the same bed together. However, the physical side of our relationship, and what we do or don’t do in the bedroom, is private, and I’m not comfortable sharing details with you.”
Saying something like that is totally honest (and prevents you from having to lie about having separate bedrooms or separate beds), without sharing any details about how physically intimate you guys actually are.
Post # 7
Well I’m in the none of her business camp, and I also remember my own younger sister being shocked and horrified when she found out I was no longer a virgin ( she was considearably less than 22 though and was told by a untrustworthy friend of mine – oh dear the joys of teenage relationships! )
It really isn’t her business though, OP and 22 is way too old to be asking and being ‘silly’ in this way. I would absolutely NOT go into all the sleeping arrangements details and explanations/ justifications that a pp suggests , I would just gently and firmly say that what you and she do or don’t do sexually is not something you think reasonble to discuss.
And then change the subect . Every time .
I agree with what another pp says about not being a matter of honesty or lying, it is your own private adult business , not your parents’, not your sister’s.
Post # 8
If you have to give her an answer (like, you tell her to mind her own business and she absolutely won’t and is driving you nuts) you could say “You know, it IS possible for two people to sleep in the same bed without anything happening.” It’s not a lie! It is possible.
Post # 9
I guess I’m more of an honesty is the best policy person. If she outright asks you I wouldn’t have a problem telling her you are an adult that’s slept with your bf because that’s your prerogative. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that though just tell her it’s not her business because it’s not.
Post # 10
My boyfriend and I are Christians who are waiting until marriage. We live separately but have sleepovers as well. He sleeps on the couch when I’m over usually but we have slept on the same bed and we have had some “slip ups.” His family is religious, mine is not. It isn’t your sister’s business. His family knows we’ve slept in the same bed because we’ve napped at his parents’ house but nobody knows about the slip ups because it’s really nobody’s business. Tell your sister to mind her own business (politely if you can). My boyfriend is planning a proposal too and I’m super excited.
Post # 11
Ah. I come from the same type of background, and right or wrong, these things get asked ALL the time of people who are dating (just stating for PP that it’s not abnormal in that environment). These situations can get sticky, and if your family is like mine, they will never agree that it’s none of their business. You’ll have to decide whether you want her to know that you are now sexually active. Odds are you’ve had these types of conversations with her in the past, which would be why she feels comfortable approaching it (I’m just guessing, of course). If you don’t want her to know, I think being blunt and nipping it in the bud is best. Tell her that you don’t find those types of questions to be appropriate, and make it known this isn’t an area of your life that is up for discussion. I have found over the years that people tend to push more if you are wish-washy and go on the defense rather than offense. I tried wayyyy too many times to give answers that weren’t “dishonest”, but wouldn’t rock the boat. I always found that it resulted in zero respect of my boundaries and choices, and usually ended with me disclosing details I didn’t want to, or making choices I didn’t want to make. If you decide you don’t mind her knowing, you might could give her the more open answer as you are comfortable with it. The only reason to leave it open for discussion or questions is if you decide it’s best to let her know everything.
Post # 12
I think whatever you do it is important to know that this is YOUR life and anyone’s judgements or thoughts on this are to be completely ignored. You have the right to do whatever you want with your body and your relationship. Anyone being less that supportive should be told that you aren’t interested in hearing their opinions on it.
If you think your sister and family are not capable if keeping their opinions to themselves then it is 100% ok for you to not share any details with them and tell them your intimate life with your boyfriend is not up for discussion. Because it just isn’t worth it and if your family tends to be judgemental than you shouldn’t give them any opportunity to talk about it. Put up boundaries.
Post # 13
Oh Christianity. Lol
If you don’t feel comfortable talking about the “level of affection” you both share, tell your sister to mind her own private life. But I would actually ask her why she’d like to know that. Is there anyone she’s seeing? Is anyone pressuring her? I’d leave it kind of open and closed while also steering the conversation to her life and not on mine.
Post # 14
It’s definitely common in our background.
Thankfully she hasn’t pressed the issue any further. I’m sure she will as we get closer to the trip. I’m thankful for the responses and feel ready in the event she brings it up again.