- 9 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
My sister is/was my matron of honor. Truthfully, I’m not sure that she is still going to be in the wedding. Originally, I’d just wanted my girls to go with sundresses. I felt it would be the cheapest, easiest option and still cute for a summer wedding. And being sundresses, they would look fairly similar. Over the months, we’ve run into issues being able to get the right colors of dress shirts in the right cities for our groomsmen, so we chose different colors for all of them, and the girls were having a hard time finding sundresses with adequate coverage, right colors, etc. We went to the mall to look with my sister after she and my niece had been to tons of places. No sundresses. My sister started looking at party dresses and didn’t balk much when one we liked was $185 dollars.
But the problem is that a couple of my bridesmaids are larger than the largest size they have, and I was fearing that the dresses everyone went with were going to look very mismatched next to the guys more uniform look. As I was speaking to my mother later, after my fiance and I had left, about one of the girls having gained some weight and needing a larger size (which was why I was having issues with the dresses my sister was leaning towards), my sister grabbed the phone and heard me and assumed I was speaking about her (she’s very sensitive right now, as she started taking Lyrica again for Fibromyalgia and she’s gained some weight). She assumed I was speaking about her and somehow decided that my tone meant that she shouldn’t be stuffing herself into a sixteen if she’s an 18.
Now, I’m a bigger girl. I just recently lost enough weight to fit into a size 16 dress, so I would never say something like that about my sister. In fact, in a selfish way, I was happy she’d gained weight so that I won’t look huge compared to her. Bad, I know, but there it is.
The problem is that I didn’t even know at first what it was she heard, so I thought she’d heard me say, “Why does she want to get that dress if she thinks she looks like a fat cow?” in response to my mom saying that my sister thought the dress she wanted made her look like a fat cow. When she found that out, even knowing the context, it turned into, “My whole family thinks I’m a fat cow.” She cried all night and spent the next day in bed. She wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. Her accusations were refuted by my parents, and my father said he thought the Lyrica was responsible for the way she was acting. She cussed him out and told him he, and the rest of the family, had no right to look up her medication. She demanded an apology. He told her he would not apologize for being a loving and caring parent.
My sister has since demanded an apology from me. She says I have a transparent tone, that I say one thing and mean another. I can only assume this is how she determined that I was saying something completely different than what I actually said. She had accused me of only calling her when I want something or to talk about the wedding. I don’t know how many times we’ve talked about her and the kids and her ex and her lawn, and her pain, and her medication, etc., but she does not remember. She thinks we all hate her, and she thinks my Fiance and I have lost sight of our wedding.
I suggested to my mother later that we all just go ahead and go with my dressmaker to make it easier. She made an absolutely beautiful dress for me, and she could customize anything. Rachel was livid. She thought I only wanted her (and my niece) to go with my dressmaker because she could make a dress that would make them look less fat. I was shocked. Not only did she have no basis for this accusation, she brought my 13-year-old niece into it. My niece is not fat. My sister has had her on a diet several times because she’s gained some weight, but I, personally, don’t think she has much of a weight issue, I’ve never said so, and I certainly don’t think she is anywhere NEAR fat. She also said the price was rising, and they have money difficulties because they have a vacation that month, too (a surprise from her husband) and have to get braces for my niece. My mother and I had offered to pay for half of the custom-made dress, but she thinks we did so reluctantly and resentfully, which is not the case. I’m not sure how she can even tell this, since the desire to go with the dressmaker and the offer to pay for half was done over texting when she refused to answer my calls. I’m not sure why she is balking at a $100 dress, $50 if we pay for half, when she wasn’t having any problem with a $185 party dress. And the custom dresses are dresses my BM’s could wear again and again. They won’t look like traditional Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, so I don’t see what her issue is, when in my mind, the price is falling, not rising. My mother found some sundresses later, but those she found that would be suitable for my wedding were all over $100
She had forbidden any of us to give our opinion on anything to do with her or her family, but she has reserved the right to stop biting her tongue around us. She says she has to walk on eggshells around us and she will no longer bite her tongue, but my mother and I feel like we have to walk on eggshells with her (In my letter to her, I told her that we all have to do this. This is what happens when you live in a family full of highly emotional, strongly opinionated people). She has also stated that she and my niece will get sundresses for the wedding, and if that is not ok with me, they will not be in the wedding.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. The last time she was on Lyrica, two years ago, my little dog nipped her son when he went after her with a ball popper. She did not draw blood, but there were, I guess, teeth marks. I felt they were threatening my dog and left angrily. They demanded an apology, and though I did, my apology was not the apology they wanted. They wanted me to say my dog “bit” their son, and fearing that they would try to have me put my dog down, I refused. I feel there is a big difference between bit and nipped. They would not accept my apology on “nipped.” They would not take responsibility for their sons part in what happened, either. After that, my sister accused me of stealing phones from their home (they are in the cell phone business) and selling them to a pawn shop. She said they hadvideo from the police to prove it, which after I and my parents asked to see it, she said they didn’t have it, but they could get it. She also accused me of stealing pain pills from her. The family didn’t speak for five months, and I was forbidden from contacting my niece and nephews. My sister also laid down rules then of what, if an acceptable apology was forthcoming, we would be allowed to say to her and what we would not.
I was later proven innocent of stealing phones, and she apologized over email, but she still refused to believe I didn’t steal pills. I bit my tongue and put it behind me so that we could have peace in the family. Now she has asked for an apology for something I never said. I told her that I was sorry if anything I did made her feel like I only wanted to talk to her about the wedding or when I wanted something, and I was sorry for the changes we’d made because I knew they were an inconvenience even though I was just trying to make things easier. But I did not feel it was right to apologize for something I never said. I told her that I would like the family to sit down and discuss this, because I felt like she was telling us she could say whatever she wanted to us, but she was telling us she would not allow us to have a voice.
This is breaking my heart. I’m sure my sister is going to say she won’t be in my wedding because I didn’t apologize for something she’s convinced I said. And at this point, I’m not sure I want her to be in it, but I still really want the kids to be in the wedding. I know she will not allow it, as she holds them over our head whenever she wants things to go her way so that we will give in. The thing is, she’s not like this when she’s not on Lyrica, but we are not allowed to tell her this. I don’t know what to do. I want us all to talk about this face to face, because it’s so easy to hide behind texts and emails, but I’m pretty sure she will refuse, thinking we’re all ganging up on her. I know her husband hates the Lyrica, so I know he knows something isn’t right, but decisions have to be made, and at this point, I’m lost.
Can anyone give me any words of wisdom or insight? I’m lost and fearing this may cause a rift that will break our family apart.