(Closed) Sister Calling off Wedding?

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
40 posts
  • Wedding: May 2013

Don’t spill the beans! They could work it out and then you have lost the trust of your sister. Its hard to lie to everyone but what if the role was reversed and you didn’t want your sister to tell something? It would be too big of a loss to lose a sister relationship and others will be okay with you not telling because it was out of respect to the bride to be.

Post # 4
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House

I would talk to them and say how you’re uncomfortable lying at the shower.  If the wedding is officially postponed, then the shower should be cancelled.  I were a shower attendant, I would be a little miffed that I had spent money on a gift when they knew they were going to postpone it.  You and your mom could do the cancelling so that your sister doesn’t have to field the emotional questions.  Personally, I would think it would be a huge emotional strain for your sister to have to go through the couples shower, knowing the status of the relationship. 

I’m sorry to hear about their issues.  Coming back from deployment is a very difficult thing and a big strain on an already strained relationship.  Def. try to encourage them as much as you can.  It’s a difficult transition and they need a lot of care and support as they get used to America, each other, and day to day life again.

Post # 5
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - The Mountain Terrace, Woodside, CA

I agree, I think the shower needs to be called off. It would be so uncomfortable for the few of you who do know the wedding is going to be postponed, and if I were a guest, I’d be a bit upset if I learned a week later that the wedding was off.

Is there some reason your sister doesn’t want to just call the shower off? It’s a shame to spend money on food and decor for nothing.

Post # 6
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, that’s tricky.  I don’t think that you should “spill the beans,” simply because it’s up to your sister as to when she tells people.  Someone mentioned earlier that maybe you could talk to her about being uncomfortable lying to people during the shower.  I think this is a good idea.  Even though she might feel uncomfortable telling everyone now, think about how awkward it will be when everyone wants to talk to her about her wedding plans at the shower.

Post # 7
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I was engaged before and initally postponed the wedding.  Just telling people it was postponed was hard.  But he and I both needed the time to figure out if we wanted to get married or not.  Ultimately we decided not to get married.  It was extremely embrassing.  You feel so guilty about all the money and time spent in planning the wedding and mostly you feel like a failure.  Your sister needs you now more then ever.  I would agree that they need to postpone the shower.  You don’t have to cancel it but just postpone it.  Then if the wedding never happens the shower doesn’t either.  Just tell everyone that they just got back from deployment and are needing time to adjust to being home. 

Post # 8
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh yikes. Have you asked her how she’d feel pretending at the shower that everything is ok? It seems like some family members (you, your mom?) could make some phone calls ahead of time to let guests know that the shower has been cancelled. I can’t imagine being the bride and having to pretend like everything is ok…

Post # 9
1454 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Um, I’m having a couples shower this weekend and our wedding is March. So unless they’re postponing a TON, there (as of now) still is a wedding and I would still have the shower. I think you should hold onto the gifts for her but only send back if they decide to not get married. I would be PISSED if I prepared for a shower, had it called off the weekend before, then had another shower 6 mo later for the same wedding that was just happening later. Inconvenient!

Post # 10
405 posts
Helper bee

Are they postponing or cancelling? I think in this situation there is a big difference. If they’re DEFINITELY postponing and it’s not like a year or something then I’d say lie. BUT if they are CANCELING then she should tell everyone and cancel the shower. I’d be a bit PO’d if I spent the time & money to get to the shower to find out they already knew they were canceling the wedding.

Post # 11
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Just as a practical issue – it is going to cost a FORTUNE to send back the gifts afterwards! Not to mention the hassle of doing so. Where will you even get enough boxes to ship them all in? I got three carloads of gifts at my shower. I think that your mom needs to postpone the shower. Nobody needs to know the reason. I think the commenter above who suggested telling the guests that they needs time to adjust from deployment is enough of an explanation.

Post # 13
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I can see her point of view, but having this shower does not seem right.  Would she be more comfortable if your mom called things off for her?  Then she only has to make the announcement once.

Post # 14
5398 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If I were you I would tell them that you are uncomfortable helping them fib about the situation and that you strongly feel they should call off the shower.  Maybe as her sister you can take on the responsiblity of making the phone calls and/or e-mails to let everyone know the shower will have to be cancelled and you will contact them at a later date to let them know when the new one is. 

Post # 15
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay

I definitely think they should cancel the shower, but I think you should talk to your sister & maybe offer to help her call everyone and explain, etc.  But only after you’ve received her permission to do it – otherwise, I think I would just keep quiet.

Sorry to hear she is going through this – but it sounds like they are taking the right steps!  That has to be comforting to everyone involved.  Good for them!

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