Post # 1
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
I knew a proposal was in the pipeline, and it happened recently. It was perfect, and I was (obviously) really happy.
I text my sister, who said something like, “cool”. I updated my relationship status on facebook and loads of people congratulated us – normal stuff really. I feel like a lot of people were extra sweet because both Fiance and I haven’t had the best luck with relationships. I had a tough divorce a few years ago etc etc.
A couple of days later, my sister text to say she wasn’t in the right place to help with wedding planning.
She too is in a tough spot, having got divorced within the last 14 months. But I honestly haven’t tried to shove anything in her face. I only text her because I didn’t think she should fond out my news on social media, not because I was trying to be mean. She seems really happy with her current boyfriend, so she hasn’t given any indication of really suffering, although I know it’s too soon for her to be really over it.
I guess I don’t know what I’m really asking. Just wanted to vent a little. Felt like a bit of a slap in the face that all she said was she didn’t want to be involved. I guess none of my family are particularly pleased or excited, maybe because this is my second time round.
Post # 2
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
Congratulations!!
It shouldn’t matter that it’s your second time getting engaged/married, and your sister should be able to be happy for YOU even if she wishes it were her. I’m so sorry your family isn’t sharing in your joy. That’s very hurtful.
Is it possible that your sister is just depressed? Had you asked her to help with planning, or did she just text you that out of the blue?
Post # 3
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
I’m sorry your sister doesn’t sound ultra happy for you. Maybe your sister doesn’t care much about weddings? Did she care about hers? Maybe if you see her and tell her how much this means to you she may react differently. Or she might just be too immature/ selfish to celebrate in your happiness for whatever reason. If so, don’t let this bother you, you can’t change her and maybe she’ll come around in time.
Ps. My sister couldn’t care less that I’m getting married, the only reason she contacts me it to tell me I’m a bad person, sister etc. I’ve accepted her and her reactions and will be happy to celebrate with others. Sounds like you have some ppeople very happy for you, congrats. I hope things get better with time, maybe the shock of it needs to be processed by your sister?
Post # 4
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
Thank you for your replies! She used to be crazy about weddings and planning, but understandably they have lost a bit of their shine for her since her divorce.
Thing is…I didn’t ask for any help at all! Haven’t mentioned the actual wedding yet with her.
Post # 5
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
My sister text me about her engagement and put it on Facebook too. I won’t deny that I thought it was pretty crappy. I’d have preferred her to have told me in person, and Facebook is as impersonal as heck. That said, I was over it pretty quickly. So hopefully your sister will be too.
Not everybody is going to be elated for you. People will be happy for you (heck, I’m happy for you!) but it doesn’t mean they’re going to be jumping for joy and dancing on rooftops. Engagement and marriage is all about you. It’s yours. You should be the one jumping for joy. Everyone else? Not so much. It’s completely normal.
You also said yourself that your sister has been through a recent divorce. She may be happy with her boyfriend, but there may also still be some demons under the surface. She’ll come round, just give her time and go easy on her. Don’t expect much.
Enjoy your engagement OP. Try not to dwell on other people’s reactions and just be happy for you. Good luck and congratulations.
Post # 6
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
BubblesandCupcakes: Thanks, that’s so sweet you said you’re happy for me haha! Yeah, totally get it about the texting thing, it’s just how we communicate as we live a few hundred miles apart.
You’re right about the divorce and demons etc. I DO know this, I just needed to hear it reiterated.
Post # 7
Member
921 posts
Busy bee
howdoiknow: I assume from your description of how much your sister used to enjoy weddings that she helped out quite a bit at your first wedding? If so I guess it’s fairly reasonable of her to want to let you know asap that she can’t help out this time so that you don’t start planning things to do with her in your head only to be disappointed when you then start suggesting them to her.
That said, I’m sorry that her response was’cool’ rather than something more congratulatory but try to remember that she’s been through a tough time lately and that just because she’s struggling with her stuff doesn’t mean that really she isn’t pleased for you she might just need more time
Post # 8
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
howdoiknow: Could you and your sister talk on the phone or Skype? I think that would help a lot. You’ll see each other smile, react etc it will give both of you the opportunity to share what’s going on in your lives.
The ‘cool’ text wasn’t great but I’d be sad if my sis texted me to let me know. I know you said that’s how you guys communicate but an engagement announcement deserves a phone call when you’re miles apart.
Post # 9
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY
howdoiknow: First of all, congratulations on your engagement! Regardless of whether it’s your first or second time around, it’s still exciting for you! It’s a shame that your family doesn’t seem to be on the same page, but don’t let that ruin the fun of it all.
Like other posters have said, maybe your sister is just in a dark place right now. I would let her know that you’re there for her and avoid wedding talk with her for now. Hopefully in time, whatever’s got her down won’t be as much of an issue and she’ll come back around. Best of luck!
Post # 10
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
It sounds like her divorce is still fairly fresh. It takes a LONG time to get over something like that, and her now being surrounded by your wedding planning stuff could be triggering things for her. I’m sure she IS happy for you, but she is probably having mixed feelings, even though she is in a new relationship now.
For example my aunt divorced about 7 years ago and at my cousin’s wedding about a year after the divorce, she lost it. She WANTED to be happy for my cousin, but it triggered her emotions, especially when talking about faithfulness and loyalty in their vows (her ex husband cheated on her for over a year). She ended up excusing herself and leaving early before the reception even started…and she wasn’t even involved in the wedding! My point here is please give your sister some slack.
Also a text isn’t very personal and she might have felt like you should have called her with the news. Texting takes zero effort, but pickiing up a phone does.
Post # 11
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
Thanks everyone for the input. There is a definite element of her being in a dark place. But the thing is, I went through my own divorce a year before her. It’s tough, so I sympathise.
It’s interesting to hear people say I should have called. We generally text, but I was trying not to make a big deal out it, partly because it seems a bit ‘in your face’ and partly because it’s the second time, so no one is that interested, it’s not this huge news.
Having said that, if a lot of people say the same thing – ie should have called, chances are they are right.
Thanks for the well wishes. That was incredibly sweet 🙂
Post # 12
Member
8600 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Well hey at least she’s being honest about it. Id just lower your expectations of her as a wedding planning buddy/confidant. Maybe once the dust settles and you can say “hey I know this is hard for you but I really need my sister” and hope that she can be there for you in some capacity.
Post # 13
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
MrsBuesleBee: That’s a good point. Better to be very upfront now, as you and a pp said, than risk misunderstanding further down the line.
Post # 14
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
“No one is going to be as excited about your engagement as you.”
Surprised that hasn’t been mentioned yet. You can’t expect everyone, even your sister, to be over the moon about your engagement.
Post # 15
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
ladycirtolthiel: for real – I’d think it was creepy if they were. But texting the word ‘congratulations’ instead of ‘cool’ is not exactly unbridled unrealistic expectations…