Post # 1
A little background- SO and I have been together 7 years. Recently decided it was time to get engaged/married. Researched local venues pretty extensively and then decided that we would, in more ways than one, prefer a Destination Wedding. We will also have a casual backyard BBQ in his hometown for his extended family (he has a lot) and some friends. We settled on a Destination Wedding in May 2013 and a BBQ later in the summer. We started to tell those who would be invited to the Destination Wedding what our plans were since we wanted to give people as much time as possible to plan for it. We are not formally “engaged” yet. We are ring shopping for the last time next week. I expect to be engaged in about a month since we need to send Save-The-Date Cards, etc. SO is fully on board and has been involved in the planning way more that I expected him to be.
On to the drama…
My father had money set aside for both my older sister & I (same amount each). Sis was married a few years ago & had an extravagent & expensive wedding. She spent way more than what dad gifted. But it was her dream wedding. We have different tastes/style. I am choosing to spend ONLY what is gifted to me. In a perfect world, I would even have money left over for part of a down payment on a house. I am not religious so a church wedding is out. I am not super traditional so I actually was starting to dread planning the first dance, father/daughter dance, garter toss, etc. And I cannot fathom spending $5K on a photographer, $3K on flowers, etc. (We’re in Chicago and weddings are expensive.) So I decided on a Destination Wedding and I am super excited. Everyone that we have told is also excited EXCEPT my sister.
First she said that she didn’t like that we were making plans without being engaged & changed the subject when I brought it up. Then she started to get an attitude about how she better be able to wear heels and other stupid crap. Then the other day she literally SCREAMED at me on the phone about how expensive this was going to be for her family (her, hubby, teenaged son) and she’ll never be able to afford get out of her rental house, etc. I could not get a word in and when I did she took it the wrong way and screamed more. I hung up and burst into tears.
I have tried to explain that we are planning what will make SO & I happy. We are not trying to put anybody out by doing this. I told her that I was looking forward to sharing my wedding experience with her (especially b/c my mom is not in my life) and that I was starting to be afraid to even talk to her about it. I got no response. I emailed her the resort info and trip rate quotes- which were lower than I had anticipated- and got no response.
The last straw was yesterday at her son’s graduation party. She mainly ignored SO & I and when she did address me it was a rude dig. I felt so awkward being there. My step-mom excitedly asked me how the planning was going and I had to tell her that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it there. The worst part was I overheard sis tell dad that she just got a bonus at work and her & her hubby are planning a Vegas trip in Sept. Sooooo… she screamed at me b/c she can’t afford to go to my wedding but they can go to Vegas? And she got a bonus? I don’t get it.
I was even planning to pay for part of her trip if I can and I am def payng for the bridesmaids dresses. But she wouldn’t know this b/c I am never able to talk about it. I am trying my best to accomodate everyone as best as I can, plan a Destination Wedding, and plan an AHR all without going into debt.
I am stunned that she is behaving this way and don’t know what to do. At this point, I can’t see asking her to be Maid/Matron of Honor as I had planned. I feel like she is being so selfish.
Post # 3
@BelleFille: I’m not condoning her behavior at all, but a destination wedding can be very expensive. Sure she got a bonus and wants to go to Las Vegas… but it’s her money and she can spend it how she likes. Honestly, the Las Vegas trip is a non-issue, it has nothing to do with you, your wedding, etc.
Again, her attitude is pretty crappy. I’d just give it some time, let both of you cool off, the re-address. When you talk about it again I’d throw in what you mentioned here, helping pay for the trip, the dress, etc. Cooler heads always prevail, so give her some time to absorb everything and fingers crossed, she’ll be more open and accepting.
Do you intend having her in the bridal party? If yes, I would definitely wait a little while, at least until the engagement is official (honestly, you should probably wait even longer, see where she’s at).
For what it’s worth, weddings tend to intensify family drama. If she doesn’t come around, you have to do what’s right for you and your fiance and let the other stuff go. You can’t change everyone else, you can’t expect everyone to be as excited as you are, etc. Just focus on yourselves, your wedding, and your future together. All the other stuff is nonsense.
Good luck, I hope she comes around.
Post # 4
@BelleFille: Your sister’s behavior is appalling and quite frankly I do not see it improving once you are offically engaged. Please plan the wedding of your dreams and keep her at arms length. If she is still behaving like this, do not include her in your wedding party. She will bring more drama.
Post # 5
I kind of have a different take on it. I feel that if someone plans a Destination Wedding then you have to be prepared for some not to come, yes even siblings. DW’s are great but not every one’s in the same financial bracket so can’t afford the same resorts, flights etc. I think it’s only right to ask but let them know that as much as you would love to have them there youknow that not everyone can do that. I know it’s your sister but Destination Wedding ‘s are such a big commitment for people, even family.
Post # 6
LuvMySailor I HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU…100% WHAT YOU SAID
Post # 7
I firmly believe there are women out here who get jealous once one of their siblings are about to get married, partially because that ship has sailed for her and she has nothing equivalently huge to look forward to. I don’t think this is about cost, as if she really cared, cost would be a non-factor. When you get engaged and start planning, leave her out of it. She won’t be supportive and you don’t want this to dampen this special time in your life.
Post # 8
Apparently the women in uniform have it. LuvMySailor and ArmyChica are spot on.
Post # 9
Thanks to everyone for your input.
I haven’t selected my bridal party yet and won’t for at least a little while after we’re engaged. It has always just been assumed that sis would be Maid/Matron of Honor and my best friend would be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Sis was even calling herself Maid/Matron of Honor and was super excited about everything until the Destination Wedding topic came up.
I know that DWs are expensive and no one in our families has ever done something like this so some didn’t even realize it was an option. It just seems like the perfect choice for the 2 of us and, when we set aside the drama, we are so excited about it. We personally talked to every important person that we want there and out of 15 my sis was the only one who reacted negatively. Just about everyone else was excited about the idea of a vacation.
I feel that she is jealous and I know that her finances are tight. I also know that she has made some poor choices in managing her money. I feel truly feel bad for her about this. I wonder if she may also regret spending so much on her wedding instead of being a bit frugal like I am trying to be. BUT I feel like it is my right to choose the type of wedding that I want. I am certainly not doing this to hurt her, but I can’t change my plans/what I want to accomodate her.
I have read about wedding drama before and I was always one of those “Oh that would NEVER happen to me” HA!
Post # 10
While I agree that Destination Wedding can be expensive for guests, she had no right to carry on the way that she did. Just keep planning YOUR wedding the way that you and your fiance see fit (just like she had the oppty to). Don’t let her try to take away your joy, any more than she already has.
Post # 11
@armychica06: 100% agree that goes for best friends as well!