(Closed) Sister Drama

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think if you’ve given her until the middle of the month to decide, you need to stick to it. Give her little reminders every couple of days in a nice way and then the first of the week around the 15th, set up a dinner or drinks or something for you and her to talk about what she decided to do. Make sure you have you and your FI’s plan all worked out whatever way she goes, so that she knows you are serious.

Maybe if you tell her what you want to do first, she’ll just work with that? Some people just hate to make decisions.

 

Good luck! 

Post # 4
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I can understand that she’s scared. Hell, I would be VERY scared. But the fact is, you’ve given her a heads-up. You need to stick to your guns. If need be, help her to find a new place. Help her to find roommates. Yes, she’s had time, but if you really want her out, you need to facilitate the process. I mean, one minute she’s living happily with you, and the next you’re telling her to do everything on her own! (I know that’s an exaggeration, but that’s probably how she sees it.)

Post # 6
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this so close to your special day. My relationship with my sister is similar to yours – our mother died 12 years ago, and it’s really been just us since then, so when we argue, have problems, or let each other down in big ways, it’s definitely very hard to cope with. It’s amazing how weddings bring out the worst in people who say they love you.

It sounds to me like she’s a little jealous of your happiness and impending marriage, and the living arrangement issue is a safe way of showing it without outwardly coming out and saying anything. You say she’s your older sister. Is there a pattern of you always taking care of things and letting her take the back seat on things? If so, it might make it more difficult for her to get her ducks in a row, so to speak, and you may have to take more of a role in the process. I understand you don’t want to make her decision for her, as she may come to resent it and you in the long run. You also need to decide what you and your FH will do, regardless of her decision. If she’s putting off making a decision, you may need to make your decision without hers, and stick to it. 

I do agree that you need to need to give her til the middle of the month if you said she could have that time. One question though: is this a house you own together, as in both your names are on the mortgage? 

Good luck with this and keep us updated. I hope it all works out!

Post # 8
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Well, it definitely sounds to  me like she doesn’t want things to change, but change is coming whether she wants it or not. And yes, it’s a big financial reality that needs to be faced, and sooner rather than later. 

If your name wasn’t on the mortgage, I’d say the best thing would be for you and your husband to find another place to live and let her figure out what to do. But, since your name is on the mortgage, if she can’t pay and defaults, it goes on your credit report. More important than where she’s going to live once you are married is the fact that you are financially tied to her. Is this a situation that you’re OK with long-term? How does your Fiance feel about it? What happenes when the two of you want to buy a house of your own? These are serious issues which you need to decide for yourself, regardless of what she wants or doesn’t want. It sounds to me like there’s only really two options here: she stays and finds a way to pay for it, or you stay and she finds another place.

This may sound harsh, but she needs to grow up and learn to stand on her own and take care of herself. Once you’re married, you can’t spend your time taking care of her – your first priority will be your husband and any children you may have in the future. I get the feeling that either way, you’re either kicking her out or abandoning her, neither of which is true. You are merely in a different place in life than her, with someone else as your first priority, and she doesn’t like it. I don’t know that there’s a way to come out of this that isn’t going to be emotionally draining, but I hope for both your sakes that you can find a solution that works for you both.

I know how difficult this is and I feel for you. Big hive ((HUGS)) coming your way!

Post # 9
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Wow, what a challenging situation.  Though the circumstances are different, Fiance and his sister own a house together.  We discussed several possibilities regarding the property now that we’re getting married.  We thought about having her buy him out, vice versa, or moving in with her.

I could imagine that in your situation your sister probably wants you and your husband to move into the house with her as a roommate.  Would that even be a possibility?

It would certainly be a way to buy her more time.  It would be a way to give her, say until the fall to move out, and it may soften the transition.

I’d also explicitly ask her if this is a possibility that she has in the back of her mind, so that you can deal with it directly and either take it off the table completely or entertain it as a serious possibility.

My best to you and your sis!

Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

It sounds like your sister doesn’t want to face reality. If I were you I would (sweetly) tell her that moving in together after the marriage is not an option and you need to decide by July 15th what everyone is doing. IN the meanwhile, go out with your Fiance and find an apartment JUST IN CASE. Tell her that you found a place as a backup in the case your sis did not want to move out of the house (less pressure on her) and I guarantee you that will help her decide right quick!

Good luck and don’t let her make you feel bad. It will all be over soon and water under the bridge.

Post # 11
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Well, after reading all of your posts, I think you should buy her out.  If you and Fiance move in, you will never get her out.  If you move out, the mortage will probably go into default and your credit will be ruined.  In this market, I probably would not try to sell…

Do you have teh cash on hand to buy her out?  That could be her starting over money.  You mentioned you and Fiance m oving in and she staying rent free for a few months.  I know its your sister, but any way you can get that in writing?  Like, these 6 months free are payment towards your release of any interest in the property…

Tough situation.  No matter what decision you make, she’s gonna be upset.  Sounds like she wants things to stay exactly as they are.  Why would you and Fiance live separately AFTER the wedding just because she’s inconvienenced?  She’s really being selfish, so you should stop feeling bad.  She’ll get over it.

Post # 13
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

The same thought that Doctorgirl pointed out also crossed my mind. I would think she was holding out because she wanted to stay and live with you and your Fiance, but apparently not from what you’ve said.

I have to say though, of the options you are offering her, you definitely seem to be pushing the you and your Fiance moving in and her moving out option. If she truly feels, as you say, the house is her only financial security, I REALLY understand how she doesn’t like that option. Also, you and she have been investing in this house for how long now? To her, all the money then will have been thrown away as if she was paying rent the whole time? I’m not sure what you meant by "buying her out." Can your Fiance really afford to pay all those months of payments she has made at once?

I’m not quite sure how to help you here though. I feel like you are forgetting that the house is as much your responsibility as it is hers. You can’t just move out and leave her hanging with no payments as you are planning on doing if the house is in both of your names (in my opinion thats potentially screwing you both), but you also don’t want to put your life on hold forever.

Honestly, even though you don’t like it, I think the person to be kicked out should be the third party "roomie" and the three of you (FI, You and sis) should all just live together for a while. Odds are she will eventually find someone she wants to start a life with too, and she will then be just as eager to untangle herself from you financially as you are. Idk … just my two cents.

Post # 15
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Oh what a joy sisters can be! While I understand you trying to help your sister out and give her many options, it seems as though she is taking advantage of you. It is not fair for her to delay your new married life together with your Fiance by being selfish. I would tell her you need a firm decision by the end of the day. If she cannot make one then you need to make it for her. Tough situation, but at the end of the day, both you and your sister need to branch out from each other and find your new families. Not saying that you shouldn’t be close, but at the same time, you need your space away from her and vice versa. Maybe it will be the push she needs to branch out. Hope everything works out. Sounds like you have a patient FI!

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