Post # 1
So I’m new to weddingbee, check out my introduction for more bg info on me. But my question is aimed at my sister. So after a lot of thought I decided to not have my sister in my bridal party, but instead have her as a reader. She is also the mother of my overly energetic beautiful flower girl, as well as being very ill, and her and i never being very close. I am quite happy with that decision, my mother and sister are not. I went dress shopping with them to help them pick something for the wedding, where my sister tried to pick a dress the exact color as my wedding dress, and ended in her crying and screaming about my choice in Maid/Matron of Honor. My mother thinks i am being mean to my sister by not “including her” even though she is a reader in my ceremony. I am having some drama with my Maid/Matron of Honor maybe having to back out (GASP! I KNOW!), and now my mom is trying to insist that now there is “room” that my sister should be my “MOH”. My Fiance and I both agree that is not going to happen, ever, but how to get my mom to stop badgering me? I’ve sat down and discussed my reasons countless times, but she insists that I should “reconsidder”. My sister goes from wanting to be very helpful, to almost spiteful, saying my choices “aren’t fair”. Help?
Post # 3
Judging by her response during dress shopping, it sounds like she is very hurt over your decision to not include her in the bridal party. I would suggest talking to her one on one to maybe shed some light on why you picked her to do a reading instead? Then after you come to terms together, you can tell your Mom you worked it out.
I may be biased because my sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor, but are you sure you won’t regret not having her in the wedding? I went back and forth about whether or not to include my FSILs because I was not close with them. I changed my mind after realizing that it could be a bonding experience for us and one day when we are closer, I will be happy they were a part of it.
EDIT: I re-read your post and if your reasoning behind not wanting to include her is illness, that is more thoughtful rather than mean. You could explain to her that you thought it would be too much especially while having her daughter involved too.
Post # 4
my sister tried to pick a dress the exact color as my wedding dress, and ended in her crying and screaming about my choice in Maid/Matron of Honor
did your sister have a wedding of her own because this is extreme in my books? i dont know about the illness comment but your sister will be busy enough with her daughter/flower girl plus you are not close to her so i would be talking up the reading, telling her how much it means to you plus it means she will be able to care for her daughter better without distractions
i wouldnt put her in the party just because she has a hissy fit – shes acting like a 12yr old
Post # 5
I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship with your sister, but I think it’s usually best to involve family in the bridal party if at all possible. Did you ask your sister if her illness would interfere with her participation in your wedding? It sounds like your sister is really upset and acting out as a result of this, which definitely is immature, but at the same time, this may cause her to resent you for the rest of your lives, so unless you think she would cause serious problems, I’d consider giving her a spot as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 6
i actually want to give you props for NOT choosing your sister if you didn’t want to. My sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor and i made that choice purely out of obligation. I could give you a laundry list of reasons why i would prefer to have someone else as my Maid/Matron of Honor and i would even be okay not having my sister as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. But within that list comes out that i have to pick my battles and this was not one i wanted to deal with. the drama that would have ensued if i did not pick my sister as Maid/Matron of Honor would have been far worse than the resentment i feel at making her my Maid/Matron of Honor. so i admire your strength to do what you want for your wedding. and i say since the decision has already been put out there, you might as well stick to it. eventually people will get over it. (one reason i picked my sis is because she would never get over it!). but everyone knows their family best, so if you felt you could do this and survive the drama, then good for you! only thing to consider i would say is do you think she will create drama ON your wedding day? for me that was the deal breaker in making her my Maid/Matron of Honor and not just a Bridesmaid or Best Man. she would have ruined ALL my wedding planning over “only” making her a Bridesmaid or Best Man and therefore choosing my best friend over her AND she would have had some hissy fit on the actual day i am sure (by the way, my sister is 3 years older than me!)
Post # 7
@Sassy5412: You could always demote her just before walking down the aisle…just sayin.
I think that your mom is probably hearing it from your sister and is just trying to keep the peace. You can put an end to the badgering by simply saying “Mom, there are a lot of things I want to talk to you about the wedding, but including [Sister] as a bridesmaid is not on the table. I made my decision, I have considered, reconsidered, and reconsidered again. The answer is no. She is a reader. That is as involved as I want her in my wedding.” If you hesitate at all in saying no, she’ll just keep pressing you. Giving her a very definite, absolute, firm no may end the nagging!
Post # 8
I feel your pain. I’m almost 27 and my sister is almost 29. Growing up (ie 12-14 years old) we got along pretty good..played outside together with other neighborhood kids. Once she got a car and had her own group of ‘teenage’ girlfriends, she never really wanted anything to do with me. I never held grudges or anything against her. Sure it kind of sucked my sister was ‘too cool’ for me, but me and my mom always did stuff together. We’d go fishing, camping, etc. I was happy. I got engaged this past June and since then, my sister has acted like she’s the only person in the world who matters and since she is my SISTER, she should have all these privileges. I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor because afterall, she is my sister.
Well, immediately from the get go she’s been resentful to me because I’m marrying the love of my life and she’s single and ‘doesn’t have anyone.’ I’ve done everything in my power to make her happy. I’ve bent over backwards for her, when in reality, it’s MY wedding, and I shouldn’t be having to kiss anyones ass. My two bestfriends have planned me a shower. Well, that set my sister off. She’s mad that they ‘excluded her and went behind her back to do this’. They actually have emailed her asking her to be involved, etc. She refuses. She’ll get mad at the drop of a pin and not text/call me, delete me from facebook, etc. She’s done this about 5 different times since June! I’m wore out. I want to tell her to get out of my life, that I’m not having her in the wedding anymore, and to don’t worry about every trying to contact me because I’m writing her off, but I just can’t do it.
She still lives at home with my parents and I (and future hubby) just bought out first house this week. She won’t come see it. She is resentful/jealous because I’m doing good for myself. My dad’s put her in counseling, he pays for everything for her, but yet she’s never staisfied. She has her cosmetology license but now refuses to do hair. She has major self-esteem issues so I feel for her, but at the same time she needs to suck it up and grow up. She is a waitress now and business has been slow so she’s always broke. I haven’t asked my dad for a dime in years (except this wedding money). I don’t get mad at her because my dad pays for everything for her. I don’t understand where she’s coming from. I feel as though she likes to be negative all the time and blame everyone else for her problems instead of deal with it and be an adult. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Sorry for the really long post, bees. I’ve just had this built up soooo long I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel better at least getting it all out, even if no one reads this hehe.
Post # 9
Been there – with my SIL. I’d like to tell you it gets easier, but in my experience it doesn’t. But you need to stay true to what you and your Fiance want. Don’t bend to accommodate the tantrums of others, because once you start doing that, your day becomes about them, and not about the marriage of you and your hunny!
Post # 10
Well, it isn’t nice to dump your current Maid/Matron of Honor, but if you feel that she should somehow be included, maybe have her be a bridesmaid? Being a reader isn’t really that special (I did that for my aunts wedding), and to her it might have been more of an insult. You shouldn’t feel forced by your mother or sister to make her your Maid/Matron of Honor since you already have one, but extending an “olive branch” by having her as a bridesmaid is fine. On another note, why would she want to wear the same color of white as the bride? TACKY, imho.