Sister Engaged, doesn't want me to get engaged until after her wedding

posted 8 months ago in Family
Post # 2
1465 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think your sister has the right to tell you when you can get engaged. Seems very bridezilla-ish to me. However, if for personal reasons, you’d like to oblige her you can still start planning the wedding before the official engagement so that you’d be on time to have a summer wedding. That’s what my husband and I did–we had a short engagement of 9 months but before we were engaged we had already booked the venue and done some other things. 

Post # 3
2309 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
@esellers31:  I do not intend to steal the spotlight from my sister but I don’t feel that it is right for her to be angry if my partner proposes during her engagement


Your feeling is correct. You cannot stop her from getting mad but she is out of line to ask this of you.

Post # 4
939 posts
Busy bee

She has fell into bridezilla territory unfortunately. I don’t think there is a way to get engaged without her being upset BUT I also don’t think that’s your responsibility or burden to bear. She doesnt own 2021, and you getting engaged doesnt take away any excitement for her wedding. I mean, free food and booze is still going to be more exciting than a picture of your hand or whatever. IDK she sounds selfish, but if you don’t want her to be angry I guess you’ll be waiting until the end of the year to get engaged. 

Post # 5
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

I think you should just completely ignore your sister and do what makes sense for you and your significant other. If she wants to ruin her own engagement by being mad at you the whole time for having the audacity to also be engaged, that’s on her! Honestly though, even if she’s mad at first, I think she’ll probably get over it once she realizes she’s the only person who perceives this as a problem. It’s silly and childish and she probably already recognizes that on some level! 

Post # 6
6340 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Your sister is being completely unreasonable. 

Post # 7
230 posts
Helper bee

Your sister is being absurd. Don’t feed into her poor behavior or put your life on pause. It’s not your fault that she and her partner waited so long to get engaged. She’ll have to get over it. 

Post # 8
4576 posts
Honey bee

Your sister is ridiculous. Live your life. Don’t apologize for it.

Post # 9
717 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@esellers31:  This is insane. You have to put your life on hold for a year because your sister is getting married in November? What if she had a 2 year engagement? This is crazy. She does not get to dictate when you get engaged. Trying to rush and get married before her would be messed up (but again, if you wanted to, she has no right to dictate that either, but I think she would have a right to get mad about that, unless you were doing a quick elopement or something) but engaged literally means nothing. It’s the next step of your relationship. How dare she think everyone’s lives have to go on pause because she is engaged. How sad your sister wouldn’t be happy to celebrate your love at the same time as hers.

Post # 10
1294 posts
Bumble bee

Your sister is being ridiculous. You’re not obligated to postpone your own life milestones for her.

Post # 11
2079 posts
Buzzing bee

Your sister is a controlling bridezilla.

Get engaged when you want to. She has no say in when you and your partner decide to get engaged and married.

Her line of thinking is so backwards and childish and I am astounded at how often we see this “thunder stealing” crap around here. 

She’s getting married in November. She gets *one day.* Not a year, a day. I don’t recommend getting engaged on the day of her wedding but every other day is fair game. 

I must say, I really do not understand this disturbing trend of “engagement season” and “thunder stealing” and delaying your life’s milestones for others. That is the utmost of selfish, entitled behavior to expect someone else to put their life on hold for some arbitrary reason

Post # 12
4767 posts
Honey bee

I mean really, your two options live your life or put your life on hold.  There’s going to be no amount of reassurance you won’t “steal” her spotlight (as if happiness and celebration is some finite thing people will run out of) or that mommy and daddy will have plenty of money for her (truth is you’re both adults and should plan to 100% fund your own events and be delightfully surprised if anyone offers to contribute) that is going to placate her it sounds like.

So you just have to decide at what point are you going to actually live your life and not let it be dictated by others.  I know you love your sister, but life is short and unpredictable and I personally would not give up my autonomy and put life on hold for what is essentially a one day event and party.  Its your call if you want others to be in charge of your life.  If so, then just wait and hope your sister doesn’t have some other life event demanding everyone’s exclusive attention requiring you to wait longer.  If not, then live your life and deal with the hissy fit and hope she eventually becomes a less selfish and self-absorbed person.  Everyone is in charge of and responsible for their own emotions and reactions and only their own.  You aren’t ruining anything for anybody, including other family members, by living your life – they would be choosing to ruin it for themselves through their own actions and reactions.

Post # 13
3647 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Your sister does not get to decide when you get engaged or married. You are not dating her. That decision is made exclusively between you and your SO. She shouldn’t be so selfish and insecure. Get engaged when you want to. What if she has to delay her wedding from some reason? Are you just going to put your life on hold indefinitely? It’s not your fault she didn’t get married at a younger age or had kids first, so you shouldn’t have to make engagement decisions with those things at the center.

Post # 14
1760 posts
Buzzing bee

You should get engaged whenever you want.  She might not be happy with it, but she will have to deal with her feelings. She can’t stop you (or others) from wanting to live their lives and move forward in their relationships.  I actually think it is really petty of her to tell you not to get engaged until she’s comfortable with it.  Did you tell her when she could get engaged?  How would she feel if you did that to her?  If she cares about you, she should understand that you getting engaged will not impact on her having her big day or take away from it.  

Post # 15
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I was engaged the same time as two very close friends. One friend even got engaged after me and married before me! I know it’s not the same as a sister, but I just wanted to add that it absolutely took nothing away from each of our weddings. In fact, it was a blast to plan together!

People are excited for your engagement right when it happens and right before/during events. But all that dead time in between? She doesn’t get to stake claim to that! It’s not your fault she waited until this year to get married. I feel you’ve already gone WAY above and beyond to accomodate her by waiting this long already, plus it was unnecessary.

I mean, next she could be telling you that you can’t have kids first or too close to her. Or can’t buy a house too soon after she does. You don’t want to live like that, do you?

If you want to wait to keep the peace, that’s totally up to you, but I completely agree that you should go forward with wedding planning anyway or even get engaged and wait to tell people until after her wedding if you must.

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