Sister Engaged, doesn't want me to get engaged until after her wedding

posted 8 months ago in Family
Post # 33
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

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@esellers31:  You do not have to sacrifice the engagement you want unless the engagement you want is at her wedding. When are you planning on getting engaged? In the next six months? That is still MANY MONTHS before her wedding. If she thinks your engagement from MONTHS PRIOR will upstage her wedding then she better plan a better wedding.

 “I think knowing how close my sister and I are, he would feel awkward causing a rift.” KNOWING HOW CLOSE YOU AND YOUR SISTER ARE? Look at the question you asked. A sister that is close to you does not DEMAND YOU POSTPONE YOUR ENGAGEMENT UNTIL AFTER HER WEDDING. Maybe you are close to your sister for even considering this insanity, but she is not close to you. She is a selfish crazy person that thinks she has dibs on an entire year for major life events. She is not a princess and this is not a royal wedding. Everyone’s life isn’t on pause because she is getting married in 10 months.

Please do not feed into this insanity. What’s next? Waiting for her to buy a house before you do? Have a baby? No one in your family should be encouraging this behavoir. 

This is what will happen: You will get engaged, your sister will be salty for a week, realize she is being crazy and this has nothing to do with the day that SHE IS GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE IN A WHITE DRESS WALKING DOWN AN AISLE WITH ALL OF THE ATTENTION ON HER, and get over it and be happy for you. If she is as “close” to you as you say.

Post # 35
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

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@esellers31:  I understand having someone close to you that you have to bite your tongue sometimes to keep the peace so I’m sorry that I came across as harsh, but please do not postpone your engagement if you and your boyfriend are ready to keep the peace with your sister. This affects your life long term. There are some things worth doing to keep the peace and some things that just are not worth it.

My boyfriend and I were planning to get engaged by the end of 2018 and we postponed our engagement by a year due to things outside of our control.  We said eh, we’ve already been together 7 years, what’s another year.  And you know what happened? We got engaged in 2019 and had a wedding planned during covid that we now have to postpone until 2022. Well now that another year has turned into two more years.  If I could go back in time I would have said screw everyone else and we would be married by now (and yes, I realize we could be married right now, but a large wedding with our family is important to us both).

If anything this year should have taught your sister and everyone else that you cannot wait around for things that you want. I’m sorry to be dark, but you can die tomorrow.

Post # 36
Member
2068 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Your sisters behavior will continue and it’s up to you to disengage from it. She mentions an unrealistic demand? You address it and move on. You do not entertain the idea for a moment. You dismiss and move on. 

sister: You aren’t thinking of getting engaged this year right? I want a whole year. 

you: Boyfriend and I will get engaged when it’s right for us. 

Sister: But like not this year right? 

you: We will get engaged when it’s right for us. 

sister: but NOT THIS YEAR RIGHT?! Blah blah. 

You: ive gotta run bye! 

I suspect that once you hold the line with her she will give up because it doesn’t work on you anymore. 

fsmily members come to you and say: sister is upset at you becuase of X reason. 

you: I can’t control her reactions to things. I’m not responsible for behavior. Please don’t come to me and tell me what she is saying. She is capable of speaking to me directly. 

Don’t be a middle man for gossip. When people can’t complain to you about her they might start telling her to shut up too. People who come to others telling them what so and so said are stirring up drama and causing the issue. You can make a boundary that your not interested in hearing about what sister says if it’s not to your face directly. 

And I do think it’s important you make a boundary now. Because 1) your husband will come first before your sister. His feelings matter more than her. By marrying him you are promising him you will put his wants above hers. Even when it’s hard for you to do, even when she threatens to make waves in the family. EVEN WHEN. 2) she will keep pulling this shit and ruin all the big experiences for you. When you want to have a baby will she say you need to wait? 

Post # 37
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Wow! What’s next?

  • Don’t accept that prestigious promotion before my wedding
  • Don’t buy that new house before my wedding
  • Don’t get more fit than me before my wedding….
Post # 38
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I agree with everyone else that your sister is unreasonable, and I wouldn’t put my life on hold like that. She’s being ridiculous and shouldn’t get a say in what’s right for you and your boyfriend’s future. 

Having said that, if you were determined to concede to her selfishness, you could get engaged asap after her wedding and still have time to plan a wedding for next summer. I planned a large wedding in 8 months and it was fine. You could even book a venue before you are officially engaged as that’s often the hardest thing to get in place.

Post # 39
Member
3007 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like you have a history of being the peacemaker and being the one to give way.

When this is the case it is always a surprise to others when the peacemaker digs their heel in. The “others” tend to react badly, like a toddler deprived of a sweet and may even stoop to trying significant emotional blackmail.

But this is a rite of passage in the sense that it is time for you, an adult, to make your own decision,  even if it is unpopular and your sister to behave as adult in responding to it.

Also, your sister may be your sister but she is not your future fiancé’s sister. Why should your sister determine your future fiancé’s decisions about asking you to marry him?

You have to start standing up to family pressures. Your sister needs to respect your wishes.

In the short term your sister will be angry but in the long term she will respect you for it – you are not a pushover but an equal.

Your boyfriend also sounds unconfrontational and he may be very wary of hurting your close relationship with your sister. But he has to be prepared to stick up for you and your future life together even if it makes him feel uncomfortable.

 It sounds as though you are not only carrying responsibility for your sister’s feelings but carrying responsibility for your future fiance’s feelings. Why do you have to be the one responsible for all this? Why aren’t they worrying about your feelings? Don’t you have equal rights in the feelings stakes? 

So, if it is what you want, get engaged as soon as possible, preferably today, and then be very firm with everyone should there be any complaints.

Post # 40
Member
7520 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your sister is being unreasonable. Just as a heads up do not accept being a bridesmaid for her. If she is acting like this now odds are she will continue to or get worse as her wedding planning progresses.

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@esellers31:  

Post # 41
Member
780 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@esellers31:  Have not read through the other replies. Here are my thoughts.

Are you sure you want to get married THIS summer? I got engaged and then married four months later. It is doable, but it was very stressful, even with a small wedding. There is so much to plan and think about.

With the  COVID situation, who knows if life will be back to normal by this summer. Even if you feel comfortable going ahead, some people will be upset you are holding a wedding, not want to take the risk of coming, etc.

You could become engaged and hold off on announcing. I think this is a good idea for any couple, regardless of demanding sister in the picture. Once you announce, everyone seems to want to jump on the bandwagon, plan with you, tell you what to do, etc. If you become engaged and give you and your fiancee time to talk and plan out what you want, that will save you a lot of hassle. Then you announce,      invite, and have the wedding, and the shorter times span cuts down greatly on any drama that could arise.

If your parents are going to be heavily involved in planning and helping with your weddings, it does become hectic and it is a lot for them to do two in the same year.

But after all that is considered, of course your sister has no business trying to make you feel guilty about getting engaged or married before hers. 

Post # 42
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Your sister is being highly unreasonable.  As long as you space the weddings apart a bit for the sake of your family there’s no reason you can’t both get married the same year. There’s also no rule saying she has the right to get married first.

Post # 43
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee

I can understand that you don’t want to create bad feeling with your sister, but if this happens, it will be your sister’s choice.  You can’t control how other people behave.  Either she will get over her tantrum and move on, or she will be permanently offended…but do you really want to remain close to someone who can get that bitter over an engagement that happens in the same year as her wedding?!!

It is really important that your boyfriend knows he does not take second place to your sister – either now or in the future.  Make it clear to him that you are happy to get engaged when he wants to, regardless of your sister’s opinions.  Ask him when he would like to get engaged, supposing you either didn’t have a sister or had one who was more reasonable.  And if he says ‘this year’, then get engaged this year.

If unreasonable behaviour is rewarded, it just encourages more unreasonable behaviour.  I had a lot of this during our engagement from certain family members.  It’s amazing how quickly the drama fades away when you starve it of attention!  

Post # 44
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

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@esellers31:  At some point, you have to push back or this will continue to happen. The question really is, is that point now or will there be a later point where she does something that you feel really crosses a line beyond what she is doing now? Either way, it does seem like her behavior is eventually going to cause a rift between the two of you. I understand not wanting to rock the boat, but at the same time, given that this is her pattern, things are probably not going to improve from here because you gave in this time. I understand that sometimes it’s wise to say nothing or do nothing in favor of keeping the peace, as I’ve had to navigate similar issues with a person in my family, but the result was honestly that I lost respect for this person and drifted away. Sometimes that is inevitable. So you have to ask yourself which is worse — keeping the peace but sacrificing your happiness, or drawing a line in the sand, but rocking the boat? I can’t tell you that if you push back now, the situation will be better in the long run. I don’t know if that will be the case. But there may be two kinds of “better” that you have to choose between — one being getting along with your sister (or at least having that on the surface) and the other being not having to be held hostage to her whims. 

Post # 45
Hostess
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I would not put your life on hold for her.  If you give in to her unreasonable demand this time, what’s next?  She’s pregnant so you can’t TTC until after her baby is born?  No way.  There’s plenty of joy to go around; you and your SO should get engaged when you want.  Your sister may be angry at first (or even the whole time) but that’s on her.  It’s completely unreasonable. 

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