Sister Engaged, doesn't want me to get engaged until after her wedding

posted 6 months ago in Family
Post # 61
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

You need to let her know that she is out of line for asking you to delay your own happiness. If she loves you, she will be happy with you and for you. 

There is plenty of love and happiness to go around.

She is being a bad, selfish sister.

Post # 62
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

Your engagement won’t be ruined by your sisters anger. I’d bet she’ll maybe kick up a fuss for a week or two, but really how angry can she be? And why would the rest of your family care? It’s only going to become a big drama if you (and your family) let it. If she screams and yells and everyone else around her calmly disengages, it can only go so far. 

You don’t have to discuss your engagement/wedding with her or around her until after she’s married if that will ease the process. 

 

Post # 63
Member
7994 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Bee–what are you going to do when she stomps her feet and tells you that you cannot have a baby before she does? Or complains that you buy a bigger house? Or whatever? At what point do you decide you are in charge of your life? 

Post # 64
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@esellers31:  put your sister In your shoes. Would she have delayed her engagement for you? 

Post # 65
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee

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@esellers31:  I understand why you are reluctant to face her anger.  But what happens if, in future, your sister tells you that you can’t get pregnant before she does.  Or buy a house before she does.  Or get a promotion at work before she does.  Are you always going to let her control your life in this way?  What if she tells you that you can’t start a family before she does and then she takes so long to have kids (or is sadly unable to have them) that it’s too late for you have any by that point?  How long are you going to let her run your life for you?

As for her anger ruining your engagement, while it might dent the surface pleasure in telling other people, showing off your ring etc, it shouldn’t ruin the engagement itself as long as your relationship with your OH is solid.

My OH and I had a horrendous experience when we announced our engagement – someone we had not expected to be upset by it became very bitter and angry and went round saying a lot of horrible and untrue things about us because they were so angry we had got engaged.  And yes, it did dent our initial euphoria, but it absolutely did not ruin our engagement.  

The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them.  If she knows she can control the timing of your engagement, she’s only going to want to keep controlling you.  The sooner you take a stand, the better.

Post # 66
Member
744 posts
Busy bee

When did weddings become this expectation of non-stop limelight and perpetual gushing for the entire engagement??? Unless she is legit concerned about your family taking your wedding into financial consideration when gifting her (which is hugely dickish), I don’t get her malfunction. No one thinks about or cares about her wedding like that. Not to mention, she already lives with and has a kid with him. Once you have children together it kind of makes the whole thing anticlimactic anyway, you are already living like you’re married. 

She needs a wake-up call to pull her head out of her ass. You getting engaged and planning a wedding for the summer after hers does not take away from hers at all. 

Post # 67
Member
695 posts
Busy bee

I kind of understand the dynamic. My sister in law proposed to her now husband my husbands brother and then they got married before us after we were engaged. It felt like they were rushing to do it before us and it was awkward. 

However, in retrospect, I come home to my husband every day as she goes home to hers. At the end of the day, it’s your life and your life with your future husband.

Do what works for you all.  Nobody steals anybody’s thunder when it comes to engagements really. It’s about you guys.  

Stand your boundary now, or it might be harder later.  

Post # 68
Member
10677 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@esellers31:  

Leaving aside your feelings, asking your SO to put his plans and desires on hold because you are afraid of your sisters anger is …not good OP .

Do you really think all your family will take her part and will actually castigate and punish you for getting engaged in the same YEAR as she is getting married?  I find that hard to believe , especially as they are already living together with their child as a family. 

I can see you love her and don’t want to fall out with her  but this really is a ridiculous ask. As pps say too, the next request may be that you don’t get pregnant until they have had their second or something .

Frankly t I think you should just do it at the time  and place  you and your SO want and tell her calmly,  before if you like. And then DO NOT engage in any arguments or respond to tears or tantrums. DO NOT. The most you need say is that  you are  sorry she is upset, but that your life milestones  are not dependant or indeed even connnected to hers .

Say the same ( and no more , no justifiications or defences  or whatever)  to any family members misguided enough to go along  with this nonsense   

Post # 69
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I feel like if your sister is being this territorial she’s not going to like if it you get engaged directly AFTER her wedding too, so there’s no guarantee that in december when she’s a newlywed she’s not going to be like “can you wait till january?”

I dunno dude. I will say my husband and I got engaged about a month before we told anyone and then we told a few people directly and then we announced being engaged on social media maybe 3 months later (We got engaged and then went ring shopping together because I’m picky so we announed around  the time he got my ring).   And it was nice! Gave us some time to work on the wedding without all the pressure. Up to you but if you really want to keep the peace this is maybe a compromise- that you could get engaged and only tell a few close people, and hold off on a big social media announcment/ extended famly and friends till later.

I really don’t think you HAVE to do this, and I really think she only has the right to ask you don’t get engaged the week before her wedding or AT the wedding, but I just want to say for me, if I could have had a “secret” engagement even slightly longer it would have been fine. It was fun.

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