Post # 1
I am so upset. I just do not know what to do. I have tried for almost 2 years to have a relationship with his family. Before I explain the msg I am about to share I will give a little back ground. My daughter had been sick for a week I had to miss the first full week of college bc i moved out towards his family so they could maintain a close relationship and had no one to help keep her. Her dad ran out on us at age one so i have been on my own for three years. So I shared with a friend on facebook that i had missed school and sometimes wish I had her father to call and say “hey she’s sick, I have missed more school than I can afford to I am going to loose my scholarships. can you help please?” but I dont and sometimes being a single mom sucks. Well she wrote me this:
Let me first say that I like you, your a nice girl. Secondly I will say that I LOVE my brother, so much! He means the world to me. I want the best for my brother. He bends over backwards for you and your child. He doesn’t have to because he is ultimately not responsible for you or [your daughter]. I have debated for awhile about mentioning this to you but I can’t help it. I am doing it for the love I have for [FI’s name].
You proved alot to me in this post, the main thing being you still love [daughter’s father]. You need to face the fact he left you, he doesn’t care about you anymore obviously! You also proved to me that my brother means nothing compared to you over [daughter’s father]. [FI name] bust his butt for you and you post stuff like this for the world to see? When have you ever bragged about [fi name] for the world to see.
I have you figured out Ashley. You think my brother can give you a perfect life but honey you got another thing coming. You are by no means going to have a perfect life living in the past.
My brother deserves the best life has to offer and he sure doesn’t deserve to be humilated publicly like you have done by saying stuff like this.
I love [fi name] and always will, he is my brother and ill be damned before I let any girl disrespect him. I think you owe him an apology and quick, especially after all he does for you and your child.
First of all I left my ex. For reasons that are none of her business. I am a single mom until the adoption is final. I never said anything remotely related to loving my ex bc he can kick rocks for all i care. If i lloved him, i would have had him. What do you say to this? I decided to stay with my parents for a few days to cool off. I have never done anything to this woman but buy her presents and offer help. I am sure if she feels this way she has shared such lovelly thoughts about me to her whole family. I have my grievances with her as well, however I have the decency to keep them to myself or between my Fiance and I I don’t start drama on facebook. If it really bothered me, I’d call her or go talk face to face not send trash over the internet. I do respect my Fiance he does alot for me but everything he does he offered. I never demanded it. I told him about this and he apologized and said we can write her off if I wanted and I told him no I just wanted to move near my family. What should I say?
Post # 4
I think your Fiance should confront her.
Post # 5
I completely agree. Your Fiance needs to talk to her about this. You don’t want her to come back and throw this in your face because as a future husband, it is his job to defend you. I’m not saying that you can’t defend yourself, because I’m sure you can, but when it comes to this situation, he is the one that should say to her, “hey, what you said was out of line…blah blah blah”.
I’ve been through this kind of situation before. My FI’s sister totally disrespected me, and talked a lot of trash about me before AND after she met me, with no grounds. It finally took him saying somthing to her for her to break down and apologize- completely admitting that it was all from other deeper issues. It sounds like his sister has some issues with him getting married, not necessarily with you, but this is the perfect situation for her to pick you apart. Do you think that she feels like she’s being replaced, so that is why she is acting this way??
Bottom line- she cannot get away with talking about you like this.
Post # 6
Man, I’d just quote the part where she said “I’ll be damned before I let any girl humiliate my brother” and be like, “Then stop humiliating him.”
But in all seriousness, she was WAY out of line. Your Fiance needs to be the one to smooth things over and explain why you posted what you did and explain that she needs to apologize to you; anything you say, she’ll just twist.
It can be hard to understand that a single mom wishing she had the support from her child’s father isn’t wishing for him to be back in her life. She’s wishing she didn’t have to go it alone. She’s wishing he had been a man for her child. She’s wishing that he had to share some of the burden (children are a burden that’s worth it, but still a burden) instead of living footloose and fancy-free. Some people who haven’t been in that situation just go, “But you’re so much better without him, why are you in love with him?” They’re not being realistic and I think the way to approach it is to be glad for them that that life hasn’t forced them to understand yet.
I hope your Fiance can make her understand what you were saying and that you need an apology from her. I really hope she pulls through with one, and I’m so sorry you had to face a message like that, that really sucks. Doesn’t she know that you obviously wouldn’t post a message indicating you were in love with your ex in a place where she could see it? She’s being pretty stupid.
Post # 7
WOW. I took a minute to think on this, and here’s my assessment. In her head Future Sister-In-Law is in the right, and she believes that what she is doing is for the love of her brother (however misguided that is). For some reason, you have rubbed her the wrong way – because you have a kid? because she’s jealous? who knows? And she truly believes that she’s in the right and you are wrong.
Be sure, that like the PP say, nothing that is done or said will make her realize how insane and inappropriate she’s being. Believe me, my mom is the same way, and the tone and language and attitude in FSIL’s email to you is exactly like something my mom would say.
Best option is to have Fiance talk to her and do damage control for what it’s worth (although she will still find a way to paint you as the bad guy). If I were you, I would ignore the email and not respond yourself.
Good luck, I’m so sorry.
Post # 8
i keep trying to figure out how she got her response from something along the lines of it would be nice if your ex stepped up as a father and actually help you by taking his daughter for a day or so when i really need it – a way over reaction on SIL’s part
going by her comments this has been brewing with her for a while so i guess you have been oversharing and shes starting to read way too much into your comments. yes you say she is a friend but she is also FI’s sister.
going forward what i would do is print the entire conversation off and get your Fiance to read it, ask him if he has any issues about your comments so you are both on the same page with SIL. she needs to be told she is way off base but that has to come from both of you as a united front. going forward i wouldnt harp on it – she loves her brother and she made a mistake, hopefully she will get back into her box and chill
Post # 9
Wishing that the father of my daughter is involved in my daughter’s life only demonstrates that I am a good parent; in no way does it reflect upon [FI] or my love for him. I appreciate that we both love Fiance and want what is best for him. I have forwarded him your email so he personally address with you his feelings and assure you that he does not feel humiliated or disrespected, but only proud to be my Fiance. I hope this does not come between us and we can continue to be friends.
ETA: This is not helpful now, but this why I rarely post on facebook, and very little that is personal information.
Post # 10
i don’t think what you said was wrong, but i KIND of see where she went with her thinking. i’m def not saying she’s right or HAD that right to send you that email. i think she’s out of line, but i think this is a great example of why fb is dangerous. what’s the point of posting something like that publicly? why not email it? maybe it’s just me.
personally, i only use fb to share things i find funny/interesting and the occassional dog picture. anything personal gets an email or chat. no ranting or complaining or even “oh my Boyfriend or Best Friend is so perfect” or anything like that. keep it light in public places!!!
Post # 11
I have to say she does kind of contradict a few statements… she says that your daughter is not his responsibility… arent you implying that when you say that you wish that her dad would step up and help??? She can’t have it both ways.
Post # 12
Thank you guys. I fully understand the chances of posting on face book. But I really did not think it was offensive what I said. Even my Fiance said he had seen it and he understood where I was coming from. I am glad I am not the only person that thinks she was out of line. I am hurt on so many levels I do not know if an apology would even make this better. As bad as that sounds. She will not answer my FI’s call and is not home. He has tried to go talk to her but she is ignoring him. My Fiance said he has never been this upset and we decided to disable face book and he said to not talk to her. I am very grateful he has taken such a stand for me. 🙂 but for the record:
“He doesn’t have to because he is ultimately not responsible for you or [your daughter].” —- Absolutely not responsible for us. But HE CHOSE to be a father figure to her. I financially support all of her needs and mine through scholarships, random child support, and some student loans.
“When have you ever bragged about [fi name] for the world to see.” —- No I do not. my Fiance is very private. he does not use social networking other than for sharing pictures. I feel I should respect that by not posting about us. Just because we are not overly loving on facebook does not mean our relationship is on the rocks.
“I have you figured out Ashley. You think my brother can give you a perfect life but honey you got another thing coming. You are by no means going to have a perfect life living in the past.” —- No you do not have me figured out because for two years you havent given me a CHANCE to be your friend or get to know each other. I do not live in the past, If I did, i would not be where I was in life. No he cannot give me a perfect life. Duh. If I thouhgt that would I have stayed through his 6 months of unemployment? No I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have moved out to BFE to try and gain a relationship with his family (which is out the door i suppose)
“I think you owe him an apology and quick, especially after all he does for you and your child.” —- THANK YOU little sister your 25 y/o brother is well capable of telling me his feelings and talking to me in a much better way than you obviously can. Also, like seriously what adult woman makes threats? and I can not stand when people call my lil one “your child” etc. SHE HAS A NAME
Since I am keeping my mouth shut this was a nice way to get it out. 🙂 Thank You ladies. I am just so hurt! I have never done anything to this woman except try to gain a relationship. But I hate that she brought my little one into it, ASSUMED things (you know the old saying), Cussed me (she is a mother of a baby herself like seriously) and that she came out of no where. She could have handled this differently instead of lashing out. For a solid “christian” woman this is absurd!
But thank you girls for listening. I just wish this wouldn’t have escalated this far. But what ever her reasons are, its going to just take time I suppose. Its nice to have people who have been there that are not biased (like my mom she fuels fires )
Post # 13
I’m really sorry you’re going through that, it’s really difficult. I think that if she brings herself to apologize, you have a good chance be the bigger person by graciously accepting and saying “I know that you love your brother, but I love him too. I know it might take you a long time to believe that, but I’m around for the long haul so I believe you’ll eventually believe me. I really want to have a good relationship with you and look forward to the day when that’s possible,” or something like that.
It is really annoying that she didn’t use your daughter’s name…I’m sure she didn’t do it on purpose but I bet it made it easier for her to accuse you of things if she didn’t use your daughter’s name.
Post # 14
@Sheepshead: Yes I am sure she regrets it. She tried adding me on facebook under a new profile but i just deactivated my account. If she is going to try to make a peace offering it needs to be on the phone, or face to face. If thats mean I am sorry I think a facebook request is no where near an appropriate way for two adults to handle a problem. Its not constructive what so ever. It sucks realizing that the chance at a relationship with a sil will never happen 🙁 but trying to force a relationship is not worth my sanity either, lol
Post # 15
I do not think what you posted is offensive, but I also think there may have been previous posts that we don’t know about that may have been interpreted incorrectly. I do think regardless she was completely out of line in what she said, but I feel like there may have been another trigger. If I were you, I would be hysterical for about 4 hours, cry, scream, and write many hateful letters (but not send them) and THEN I would calmly, and sincerely, write back telling her how you feel; if she thinks your Fiance deserves an apology, I would approach him and apologize because he may have said something to her that triggered this also; and I would make it clear to her that you have already apologized to him. I am so sorry that she said this to you and hurt you this way. I would be devastated.
Post # 16
I posted that before I read your response. I am sooo happy to hear that you FH is on your side. It sounds like she just may be a crazy drama queen. I have someone in my family like that (stepmom)… It’s no fun!