Post # 1
my partner and i got engaged and 3 weeks later his sister (my FSIL) also got engaged. She came over to tell us and promised nothing would be done about her wedding until after we were wed.
next thing i know she has decided she is going to be married abroad the year before we had planned to get married. this caused heatache for my Future Mother-In-Law as she wouldnt be able to afford to go. 3 days after she had decided this is what she was doing; she booked a church in our town and the next thing i know she is asking me if i mind her booking the venue which i had in mind for our wedding.
ANYWAY – i had already decided on which of my girls i would like to be my bridesmaids, as they are BRIDESmaids (maid’s of the bride, right?)
i have now been told by my partner that if his 2 sisters and my step sister arent my bridesmaids then we will not be getting married. he says family are more important than friends and therefore them 3 should be included. i could maybe stomache this but he also said that my younger brothers could not be page boys?
i would love to have one of his sisters as my bridesmaid, i get on with her fantastically and am really close to her, but didnt think it fair if i asked her without asking the other. i am not close to my step sister, and dont really consider her family. i just cant understand why certain members of the ‘family’ must be included, but members of my actual family who are related to me (my younger brothers) are not allowed to be included.
i could really use some help and advice from you guys, i dont know what to do, or what to say to try and resolve this situation.
Post # 3
Could you find other ways to incorporate his sisters? Maybe they could do a reading or something. You should talk to him about how you’d like to include them in the day, but maybe not as bridesmaids. I picked four people who I am extremely close to as my BMs, and one just happened to be his sister. Fiance never had a choice in who my BMs were, he was jsut excited that I wanted to include his sister. Giving you the ultimatum of “we aren’t getting married if my sisters arent BMs” is childish, and you need to address it with him.
Post # 4
I’m going through a similar, but not same situation on my end. I’m so so sorry!
First off: for your partner to give you an ultimatum like that “my sisters or no wedding” is not fair, especially when he won’t allow your brothers to be involved. It sounds like he’s attempting a bit of a double standard there. It’s not right that he’s dictating to you your part of the bridal party when you’re imposing no restrictions on his end.
Secondly: If you look all over the place, etiquette does NOT dictate that you have your Future Sister-In-Law as a bridesmaid.
Have you both talked about how many people you would like in your wedding party? Maybe that would help to clear things up? A friend of a friend’s Fiance didn’t tell her until 5 months before the wedding that one of his friends had finally gotten back to him about being in the Wedding Party. In the meantime, she hadn’t asked her step sister to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and it created all this drama. Setting mutual rules for the Wedding Party might be a good idea?
Best of luck!
Post # 5
What abbie017 said. Also if he wants them in the wedding so bad, why doesn’t he have them stand up on his side? Who ever stands up next to you should be your nearest and dearest. Sometimes, people will ask family members in order to avoid drama, but if you don’t want to include your sisters or step-sister if you don’t want to.
Post # 6
i agree with PP. if he is so insistent about his sisters then he should find a way in incorporate them in the wedding; either on his side or with a speech, reading, mc, etc.
who does he have standing up with him? my Fiance has his sister.
Post # 7
at the minute, he has no one other than his best man
(oddly, the best man he has chosen is a friend of his – i did suggest that if i had to have his sisters, then really he should have my older brother; that didnt go down v well!)
i think he is blinkered in that on my side there should be women, and on his side there should be men.
his family will be included in the photos etc anyway, and i am open to his sisters doing a reading or being the witnesses, there are lots of other things which they could do to be included in the day, i just dont think he sees that.
at the minute, im in bad books and i dont think i can speak to him about it until things have calmed down a little, i just want him to be able to see things from my side. plus i dont understand why he is so adament to have them as bridesmaids, esp. the one i dont get on with very well, as she doesnt make an effort with either of us. we have lived in our new house for 4 months now, and i think shes been over twice? theres no effort from her, the only reason i hear from her is when i make the effort to text/call/facebook her. even more so now that we are planning our weddings at the same time, i text her regularly to see how shes doing and offer her my opinion on things she wants checking out – but never once has she asked anything about our day or how we are finding planning things.
Sorry, im going a bit off track now and having a rant, but you know when you just want to let it all out and have a moan about it??!
thanks girls, making me feel a bit better. ill keep you updated on how things go, but anymore advice would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 8
@hellsbells2949: He sounds really controlling and demanding, in my opinion. I hope that is just how the post is coming across.
Post # 9
So you are “required” to have his sister and your step-sister on your side, but he wont allow ANY of your brothers (who you actually want to include) be included? HUH?
Sorry, thats a bunch of crap. Why would you have someone stand up with you who you dont really like or have a relationship with? And he won’t marry you unless you do what he says? Sorry but this is not cool. Pick whoever you want for your party and your groom needs let it go, he’s acting silly.
Post # 10
Umm… really? I don’t think I’d WANT to marry him after he said something like that. What a douche!
Post # 11
I agree with a couple of the other posts. He sounds horribly controlling!! I’m really hoping that’s just how its coming across because if he is really his way, I’d be walking. Trust me, you do not want to get 15 years down the road and have kids with him and he’s still acting this immature and controlling. Just imagine how tough that would be?
It’s your wedding too and if you have to include his sisters, he has to include your brothers. End of Story. Better yet, just tell him he needs to get over himself.
Post # 12
Is anyone missing the bigger picture here?
HE told HER that if his sisters were not Bridesmaids THERE WOULD BE NO WEDDING.
Who does that? Seriously? What a douchebag.
Post # 13
I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s anyone’s business to be namecalling your fiance. Obviously family is important to him but if it were me in that position, I would explain that Bridesmaids are chosen by the bride and therefore he can choose his family to stand up or have a roll in his side. I see where he is coming from, you don’t want to look back at pictures and see people that are no longer in your life but then the point of a bridesmaid is to attend to the bride, people of the bride’s choosing. There is no one you have to choose but I would be careful choosing some family and leaving out others, especially choosing between sisters. You do what is most comfortable for you because those are the people helping you out on your day.
Post # 14
Thanks, some ideas i could try and incorporate.
Post # 15
@hellsbells2949: What is the update? Have you spoken to him? If your brothers can’t be his page boys then his sisters can’t be your BMs. Period
Post # 16
I’m concerned about the controlling issues….if this is the way the marriage starts (and remember the wedding is JUST one day marriage is much longer) how is it going to continue?
Has he been controlling about other issues? Is there pressure on him from other family members regarding this issue?
I could not imagine my Fiance ever being that controlling….he knew who I would ask ahead of time, and I pretty much knew who he would ask…his sister IS in my wedding party but by MY choice….