(Closed) Sister-in-law has been prohibited from coming to wedding (and not by us)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would seriously sit down with the parents and say that you understand they are concerned about her grades but that this day is important to you as a couple and a family,and that they wouldnt be punishing just the daughter but it would be a punishment for you as well. Because your day is so intimate her abscence would be notable,

Im sorry this is happening to you hunni!

Post # 4
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

what! i understand they’re probably paying for her to travel, but why do they have to “give her permission?” could you and fi chip in to help pay for her to come? she’s in college, she doesn’t need permission.

Post # 5
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow that really stinks. I’m sorry that they made that decision. I think it’s ridiculous. I would have you and your Fiance have a serious sit down with them and tell them how important it is for the two of you to have her at your wedding, that you only get married once, etc. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

I would honestly have him and you call together (speaker phone?) and tell them that it is going to cause more harm to you as a couple to not let her be there.  Tell them they can punish her another time but that by doing this, they are punishing the two of you and you find it unacceptable.  Also let them know that you will be paying for her to come yourselves if they will not relent.

Just really hammer home that all they are doing is hurting the two of you.  It’s selfish of them to do that.

Post # 7
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

just wondering,  how old is his sister?

Post # 8
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d be LIVID. Why are they punishing you? And she’s an adult.

Post # 9
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I disagree with the others that she doesn’t need permission.  I assume her parents are paying for her schooling and for her trip.  So she does in fact need their permission to skip school and go on a vacation.  They are well within their rights to refuse to continue to pay for school and/or the trip if she doesn’t follow their rules.

BUT.. they are being extremely unreasonable. If she is missing class two days in a row it probably means that she is only missing one session of each individual class based on how college scheduling usually works.  Is that really worth missing your brother’s wedding?  Are they trying to punish her, or do they honestly believe she will get really behind if she misses a class?  Either way, they are being crazy.  Try again to talk some sense into them.  Tell them they will regret this for the rest of their lives if their daughter misses their son’s wedding because of them.

Post # 10
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

How bad grades are we talking here? Like, is she failing? Also, are her parents paying for her schooling?

I think it is kind of ridiculous to ground someone over 18, lol (I assume she’s probably 18 or older if she is in college?). She is an adult now and she should learn from her own mistakes and have to deal with the consequences. Her parents can stop paying for her school if she’s flunking, but I don’t think they should prevent a grown woman from going to events. That just seems weird to me. Also, she can travel on her own anyway since she’s 18, her parents can’t do anything about it lol.

Post # 11
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

That is absolutely absurd.  I agree if the parents hold the purse strings they should be able to dictate the rules but this is completely over the top.  It’s also punishing your Fiance more than the sister.  I’d talk to the parents and if you don’t get anywhere, pay for the sister’s travel expenses yourselves.

Post # 12
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree w/ some of the PP who said that if the parents are paying for the schooling and the trip, they do have some say with what’s going on. But, they’re punishing you and your Fiance more than her at this point.

Have a sit down with them and explain how utterly important it is that she be there for the wedding. If it’s in your budget, offer to pay her way. I think they’re being unreasonable by not letting her go.

Post # 13
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow, that’s really going to teach the sister to be a grown woman, to make responsible life decisions, to think about her future for herself, and to respect herself and her parents. (sarcasm).

Um hello!  Making bad grades in college is a self-solving problem!  You make bad grades=you don’t go to college anymore.  Some people just aren’t ready to go to college that first year–you can’t just punish motivation into an adult, they have to consciously make the decision to be responsible on their own.  When she is threatened with expulsion then hopefully that will be enough of a wake-up call without her parents acting like she’s a teenager.  Why don’t they let her learn these life lessons the hard way?  How will she ever learn from her mistakes if they’re holding the reins??

If they continue to treat her like a child, then guess what they’re going to get!  A child.

Post # 14
Member
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree that, despite the SIL being in college, her parents still do get a lot of say if they are paying for her school, her living expenses and her trip to the wedding.  Unless she is completely financially independent, the parents are still (and should be) calling the shots.

That said – their actions here do not seem appropriate as they are punishing your Fiance as much or more than your SIL.

Post # 15
Member
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Oribel013690: “When she is threatened with expulsion then hopefully that will be enough of a wake-up call without her parents acting like she’s a teenager.  Why don’t they let her learn these life lessons the hard way?”

And at that point her GPA won’t be salvagable enough to put her in any kind of position to use her degree to be hirable post-college.  Parents sometimes need to step in a save their children from themselves.  Learning lessons the hard way is usually best done only as a last resort.

Post # 16
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

@Mrs.KMM:  Agreed.  And if she does get expelled and the parents don’t intervene then yes maybe she learned a lesson.  But her parents also wasted thousands of dollars on sending her to school for her to not end up with a degree.  And who knos where her life would go from there.  I’m sorry but most 18 year olds I know are not prepared to make huge life decisions.  Parents are meant to guide and assist their children in their adulthood.

(By no means am I changing my mind on these parents being crazy for trying to ban her from the wedding.  Just saying I totally diagree with @Oribel013690: general sentiment)

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