Post # 1
We decided months ago to have an adult ceremony and reception (not a fan of kids who misbehave, want guests to enjoy themselves which they can’t do while entertaining their 3 year olds, etc.). My fiance spoke with his siblings individually, his older sister took it suprisingly well and said I don’t like it but will respect it. Her husband contributed 25% to our wedding and even he acknowledged we may not have kids there in a passing conversation and he was fine with it.
This same sister is one of 4 bridesmaids (along with other future sister in law), she helped with the shower and I called to thank her. All was well until she ended the call by saying “I know you don’t want kids at your wedding but we are bringing them and will have our nanny watch them at the ceremony and reception” I mention the nanny because this isn’t about her not have means for a sitter. She has a 1.5 and 3.5 year old. She said she spoke with my fiance months ago and he knew about it and she was surprised he didn’t tell me. I took it in stride and didn’t take a stance until I spoke with him to clarify.
Turns out she lied, she never spoke with him about it except to say she would respect our decision at their only conversation that went so well about her agreeing to not bring the kids. He called her and said she can’t bring them, she in turn started swearing about me, said I’ve done permanent damage with this decision, she’s not coming, wants the money back, and went on to call other family members to rant.
I feel it’s now about control. She’s the true matriach of the family, the mother and rest of the family alway defer to this sister about everything. I find that I cannot back down because A.) my siblings with young kids are coming from out of state are respecting my decision and B.) the sister is using this as a control battle. People have said she has “queen bee” issues.
Anyone else have to deal with a crazy sister in law that turned from “sweet, supportive” to vindictive and spiteful in a matter of seconds?
I feel like that this no kid decision will leave someone unhappy, but why should it be the bride left unhappy!
Post # 3
I’m so sorry for you! I have had my fair share of adult reception drama myself, not from a FSIL but other various guests! What I can’t understand is it never seems like they actually WANT to hang out with their children, but rather they just want to be a big fat pain in the A$$ for no reason! It was so rude of her to lie to you, not to mention, to ask for the money back! I wish I had better advice for you, just know the bees are hoping things get better for you! But imho DO NOT change your mind about this!!! You’ll only fuel her bullying, and she’ll try to walk all over you for the rest of your life!
Post # 4
@jandbwed: That’s a shame she is acting this way. Stand your ground. Don’t let her bully you and try to rally people against you. That is just whiny and immature of her. You are in the right. While she may have contributed, the no kids rule was set clearly from the start when she agreed to participate and contribute. She even cited your no kids rule with her, “I know you don’t want kids, but…” exchange with you. Now she is trying to bend the rule to meet her needs and convenience. Sorry, but this is not about making things convenient for her especially if she going to lie to you to try to get her way. It would have been different if she said she was in a pickle and needed help with a nanny, and asked you nicely. But to force her way in? Nice try, sis-in-law! If she isn’t coming and wants money back, I’d find a way to pay her back and ever so cordially move on with your planning.
Post # 5
I cannot believe she would lie to your face like that…did she not think you would discuss it with your fiance and find out she was lying?
Whatever you do, do NOT give in to her. Her nanny can darn well watch the kids at home. If possible, pay back the money now so she has no hold over you. If not, pay it back ASAP.
Wow…I can’t get over her nerve!
Post # 6
@jandbwed: i can’t believe she would lie to you like that. she was just trying to manipulate you into agreeing to her nanny and kids coming. don’t give in.
if possible, i would try to sit down with her and explain how unfair it would be for your siblings’ children. (not that anyone like her would care about anyone else’s feelings)
Post # 7
First pay the money back. You have way too many hands in the pot.
Second quit talking to her about the wedding. Without the money being involved she has no say, so send her an invitation addressed to her and her husband just like everyone else.
It is a shame how this has all played out. Don’t let this drama get to you and ruin the rest of your engagement.
Post # 8
Ugh how crazy. Stand your ground, she needs to grow up.
Post # 9
I will be the only one answering differently…..I too had an adult reception only reception except for my sisters 2 little kids and my sister-in-laws 2 little kids. Had to include them to avoid drama….after some long thinking, really wasn’t worth fighting over, felt like it was one of those things that will never go away. Honestly no one even noticed or cared 4 little kids being at the wedding. I’d say let her bring them.
Post # 10
I misread this at first… Thought maybe she was travelling to your wedding and having the nanny watch the kids in the hotel room, so I didn’t understand! Now I get it, so it does seem like a power trip or something… If you have someone to watch them, why bring them? I’m sorry you have to go though this!
Post # 11
I agree with Mrsmenow pay her the money back ASAP.
Post # 12
I feel your pain!!
My husbands sister is also the matriach of the family. When we were married we decided on an all adult very club like wedding. It did not even start till 7:30pm. We met with his family and told them our decision. She went crazy! Kept stating how his side of the family was so small and they need everyone at the wedding. Her daughter was 6 months old. A month before our wedding I heard they were boycotting it unless we allowed all the children to attend. My husband has a small family and it would of been terrible if none of them attended due to her craziness. Her baby screamed during my entire vows!!! I was actually OK with the older children attending but felt the baby had no place at such a loud late night event. I also felt bad that everyone else received an invite that said adult only reception.
Stick with your decision and do not let her bully you. It is your wedding! Please try not to stress over all this. Sending positive thoughts!
Post # 13
I would give the money back and do it your way.
Post # 14
I’m with the PP’s. Pay back the money and tell her to shove it. Her rugrats can stay home with their nanny.
Post # 15
I would silently give her the cash back (check in the mail) but otherwise not engage in this. This is all about control and attention, so don’t give it to her. Ignore her and enjoy your wedding planning!
Post # 16
These are the stories that make me glad my fiance is an only child!!! This lady sounds like she has some serious control issues and if I were you I would not back down on this…you need to teach her a lesson