Post # 32
OP – I think that you need to consider the feelings of your siblings here. I’d be pretty damn angry if my sister told me to hire a sitter for her wedding, then I showed up on the day to find her FI’s nieces and nephews running amok.
If your siblings can’t bring their children…neither can your FI’s siblings. What’s fair is fair.
I’m sorry that your Future Sister-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law are such assholes. The fact that their money has strings attached says a lot about their character.
Post # 33
@Miss Apricot: Completely agree! A contribution to the wedding is a GIFT. So if someone bought me a new TV for Christmas I’m supposed to let them come over and watch it anytime they want? Or let them take it home when they feel like it?
I do not think gift = control. I know some folks do but I just can’t agree no matter what tradition or anything else says.
Post # 34
@LR2012: Completely agree. Good luck OP. Keep us posted!
Post # 35
@LuvMySailor: What she said! Call thier bluff! If you let them do this now you are setting your self up for a life time of being bullied.
Can you pay them back? If yes give them thier money and tell them to shove it! Tell Future Father-In-Law that you will call /write his friends about the miscommunication.
If no well to be honest they are not playing by the rules….so I would tell them NO you agreed to xyz if you would like your money back you will get it by xx.
Post # 36
I say stand your ground, girlfriend!!! Don’t you know this will only be the start of your headaches, if your Future Sister-In-Law gets her way now guess what’s happening in the future; if they all withdraw, than that’s just plain petty why should you give in??? This is your wedding your day, the most special day in your life it’s not worth the grief to give in, is this her wedding day? no, do not accept the money, give her back her money and make do and call her bluff; she will get over it because she loves her brother or she will stay in her small petty little world; if you lose the other Future Sister-In-Law so be it; why give in? why let her get her way, it’s not her special day, you cannot have a re-do there are no reruns
I say stand your ground!!!! this sets the tone of control for the rest of your life; it’s true how can you favor an in-law over siblings your siblings will be truly hurt
Post # 37
I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to know if your Future Sister-In-Law talked to MY Future Sister-In-Law about how to act crazy!!!!!!!! Same situation here! (we are allowing kids, but the only ones so far that I know are going are hers)
But she also told us she was inviting HER Mother-In-Law to our wedding to watch her kids….which was a resounding NO….luckily Future Father-In-Law is staying out of EVERYTHING….
I feel your pain, stand your ground, SHE is the one who is going to look ape shit crazy with her behaviour, not you…..(which my Future Sister-In-Law did at our engagement party this past weekend…lol)
Post # 38
Take a loan, take a cc, do whatever it takes to not have their money. Once you are not using their money, you can call the shots again. It’s incredible to me that they are making this much fuss over 2 kids that probably don’t want to be there anyway. I feel sorry for you – and in the end, this is WAY MORE your FI’s battle than yours. You should not be painted as the bad guy, if anyone should take the hit it should be him because it’s HIS family and he has a duty to protect you!
Post # 39
@Miss Apricot: But that’s the whole point, it just ONE NIGHT over the course of a new lifetime with this family. I normally don’t lay down and let people walk all over me, but I think at this point it’s really just a really uncomfortable lesson for the OP about how her new family works…which ain’t pretty or fair. Seriously, douchers. That said, I would tell Future Sister-In-Law that she is responsible for contacting MY SIBLINGS and telling them that even though she’s local, her kids are invited and theirs aren’t. I completely agree with the no strings attached gift for the wedding.
OP, can you afford to pay Future Sister-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law back right now?
Post # 40
@WillyNilly: I kind of like that idea of her Future Sister-In-Law having to contact her siblings….that might stop her in her tracks….
Post # 41
@Miss Apricot: I COMPLETELY agree with your “one night statement” and the whole frustration in this post. COMPLETELY.
However, I was in the same boat (minus the financial part) and ended up caving. It caused MAJOR drama….like I was worried about Fiance being in the middle (he’s very passive/avoids confrontation with anyone), and it was me against his whole family. I was literally torn apart by them. What started as “adult only” turned into so much more as emotions got stronger.
Now, everyone has said their apologies, and I know they really want to make ammends. There has been a lot of effort on their part over the past months. Like planning showers, parties, gifts, etc. I’m grateful for the effort and happy they reeeeeeeally want me to feel welcomed and loved (I know there are other cases not the same). But truthfully I will never feel the same toward them or completely forget what’s been said.
Point being, to me the overall, lasting effects and heartache this caused (considering both sides) is not worth it.
Post # 42
selfish, selfish, selfish of the Future Sister-In-Law, do you really think this will appease her, this will only get worse if you give in now…but like so many other brides I think The OP will give in and just seethe inside while the Future Sister-In-Law gets her way, like many women, we tend to be people pleasers which is unfortunate, I learned in life you can’t make everybody happy if it only causes your own unhappiness
dear poster, trust me it’s great and liberating to say NO
Post # 43
Regarding the funds. I will have to figure out a way to pay the husband back the $5k, I would rather not keep the funds based on principal alone, although I have to say it’s pretty rotten to demand the funds back when they were given on Christmas and our wedding is 4 weeks away now.
Someone mentioned I gave up power by accepting the contribution, but keep in mind I’m funding a majority of the costs. It’s not fair to say that by letting them contribute a quarter of the cost resulted in them having more of a say than I do, they’re not funding the entire event.
Post # 44
I can’t back down, I’d be resentful of her the rest of our lives. I feel it’d be easier for her to get over it since it’s not her wedding. And if she doesn’t she’s just psychotic.
Post # 45
Don’t let them win on this. It’s YOUR event, and that money was a gift to you. It’s pretty crummy now because you planned with that money taken into account.
I would be so angry if I went out of my way to have my kids (imaginary) somewhere else that night and found out being a big jerkface got you rights. What the heck.
I personally think it’s VERY worth it to win this battle. No kids = the wedding you want. They are the crazypants people here. Pay back the money and tell them they will be escorted out with the children if they bring them.
Post # 46
@jandbwed: You’re completely right, just because they contributed doesn’t mean they have more of a say on how to plan your wedding. If it were me and I gave in to her demands I think I would resent her forever. If you let her get away with this now who knows what else she would feel she can get away with.