- 7 years ago
Keep us updated with what you do. I want to know what ultimately happens!
Keep us updated with what you do. I want to know what ultimately happens!
yeah. what happened just curious
Good luck, OP. If it were me, i would be completely resentful of her already. And would probably feel that way for many years. Forcing a family member to scramble for cash that you had promised them a month before the wedding is so incredibly shitty and cruel.
Have you two spoken with FFIL? If he is refusing funds now, he needs to contact his guests and uninvite them. if he refuses, your Fiance needs to call his father’s guests and let them know that Future Father-In-Law made a terrible mistake, and that they are no longer welcome at the wedding. Yes, this will be awkward…but do you really feel comfortable feeding an additional 30 strangers after your in-laws pulled their funds?
Don’t let them make you feel like the bad guy, here. You are far from it. If this “ruins” their family dynamic, well, that’s entirely FSIL’s fault.
This is a sticky situation. First, because the money issue (and, btw, I don’t understand how her insisting on bringing a few kids with a nanny to watch them is having “more power” over your wedding than what you have, that’s a pretty small thing, but that’s really besides the point), and, second, because you’re marrying into a family and whatever choice you make will have repercussions.
How does your fiance feel about this? Does he prefer to let them come to avoid future drama, or does he support standing up to them? If you let them come, how does he think you should proceed with your own family? Personally, I would probably let my fiance make the call, as he knows his family best and knows what the fall out will be. Also, for me, 2 kids at a wedding wouldn’t be worth the current & future drama with my soon to be family, but that’s a personal choice no one can make but you.
ETA: I completely agree that how she’s handling this is immature & petty. Not a fun situation to be in. Good luck!
When you accept money from outside sources this is the price you pay. With money comes strings and if you can’t deal with the strings, give back the money.
You should let Future Father-In-Law know that, if he changes his mind about contributing, he will unfortunately have to retract his 30 invitations, as you won’t be able to afford to feed them. That should quiet him up. I wouldn’t traditionally condone bribary, but it is bullcrap to pull the rug out from under you and then expect you to buy dinner for his friends. Uh uh.
Does your fiancé know what the fallout would be? Will everyone get over this before the wedding if you hold your ground? Or will his family end up not coming to the wedding? Are they thinking this means you don’t want to join their family? Are future holidays in jeopardy?
I only ask because some families would consider this a major slight. I remember one of my cousins explaining to his fiancé that excluding kids from their wedding would cut them off from his family. I don’t think there was money involved.
Then again, perhaps you would both consider that a good thing.
@les105: While I agree that letting them come would be the easiest option right now, I think it will have some serious consequences in the long-term.
If she lets them come, she’s basically rewarding FSIL’s bad behavior, and punishing the good behavior of her own siblings. This would probably create some serious resentment among OP’s family members, and would send the message that if Future Sister-In-Law throws fits and makes unreasonable demands…OP and her Fiance will always cave and give her what she wants. She’ll expect you to be her own personal doormat from here on out. So not cool.
If she opens up the invitation to ALL of the nieces and nephews, she loses her vision for the child-free wedding that she is primarily funding. My guess is that her siblings have already made flight/hotel/sitter arrangements, and it would be seriously unfair to tell them that these plans could have been made much easier from the get-go. And all this because ONE PERSON decided that she should be the exception to the rule. This option is not cool, either.
Thanks everyone for your input (even those that I don’t agree with, it’s good to hear all sides).
Update – so I was forced to speak with the Future Father-In-Law because he wanted to hear it from me directly. It wasn’t pretty. I tried to be diplomatic but he felt I was breaking the family up, being unreasonable, not compromisng, etc. I tried to inquire about compromise to see if we could work that out (I’d allow kids to come to rehearsal dinner) but to him compromise only means letting kids come.
He then said how it appears I’m really saying “fuck your grandkids we don’t value them”. So I responded that I was not saying that and used his entire sentence back at him.
Now my Maid/Matron of Honor, parents and friends are furious that he was talk to me this way and push the issue to this extent. It’s a disaster and the more they push, there is now no way I will change my position. Their approach is one of intimidation, bullying and threats to not attend, rescind contributions.
FI is upset that his Future Father-In-Law spoke to me this way and was surprised I actually called the Future Father-In-Law, he figured he would just talk to him. I made the call after I heard Future Father-In-Law wanted to speak with me directly because I thought maybe if he was just heard out he’d calm down. Sometimes a “road rage” can be built up but when you put a human element to it through meeting in person or at least hearing a voice on the phone, it dies down. Boy was I wrong trying to give him the benefit of the doubt…
I think this needs to be handed off to your Fiance to deal wih this from here on out, regardess of what the both of you decide. He needs to be able to tell his family that it is not acceptable for them to talk that way to you and make it clear the two of you came to this decision together (assuming he was on board with this).
Like I originally said before return the money they gave you and let them know their invitations stands and you would LOVE to share your day with them, but that they will be attending as the other guests are- without children.
wow both the dad and the sister sound a little off
do they have a history of being difficult?
@jandbwed: Their approach is one of intimidation, bullying and threats to not attend, rescind contributions.
I am not sure what you mean by intimidation and bullying. Yes, they’re being immature. But I don’t see intimidation and bullying. When you want a certain wedding and a guest doesn’t agree, they have every right not to attend. You can’t force someone to attend your event if they don’t agree with it. Much like they can’t force you to throw the event they want. It works both ways. Would it be nice if they sucked it up and came without a fuss? Yes. Would it be nice if you sucked it up and invited kids? Yes. It works both ways.
And they shouldn’t have to rescind contributions. You should be offering to give it back to them! If you don’t value their input, you should also not value their money. Most people wouldn’t touch that money with a 10 foot pole in your situation.
I don’t want their money, but I also don’t want to pay thousands for their guest list of people who are coming, It’s one thing to use as a bluff to say we’ll uninvite those guests, it’s another to be forced to make those calls. I couldn’t bring myself to do that so I’d end up paying for 30 people I don’t know.
And yes, the Future Sister-In-Law has issues with other people, she doesn’t speak to her bioligical dad, dislikes her stepmom and her stepsiblings, complains about her Mother-In-Law being controlling – funny huh?
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