Post # 1
This is my first post and I need your help! I am blessed to have 3 very close friends whom I have known for over 15 years. Needless to say they made the bridal party – along with my sister, the Maid/Matron of Honor. While my Future Sister-In-Law is a wonderful person, one who I would love to have a close relationship with, we aren’t exactly there yet. We don’t talk on even a semi-monthly basis. She lives about 6 hours away and is very busy with her personal life. However she is quite close with her brother (my fiance) and they exchange emails.
I do not feel comfortable having her in my wedding party for a few reasons. However, I still feel that family members should be included in the ceremony and play a role in the wedding day. I asked her to do a reading, she seemed okay with that and I thought “this is great! we are getting closer”. Fast forward 48 hours, my fiance receives an email from his sister saying she is upset she is not playing a bigger role (ie – bridesmaid) and since she is not one she is “possibly not coming to the wedding/shower/bachelorette”. I am putting my foot down over her being a bridesmaid, but I do not know how to handle this situation. I do not want to put tension between her and I and would like to have a relationship with her in the future. It means a lot to my fiance to see us get along and I would love to try and involve her somehow. Any suggestions??
Post # 3
When I had a lot of problems with my SIL, I handled them myself (while she got her mom to pretty much do the dirty work for her), and it got so bad that I had to have Darling Husband step in.
If they are close, you need to ask Fiance HIS opinion on the matter. I know they are your bridesmaids, but I think he would appreciate a say. I think she is being really immature about it, saying she won’t come if she doesn’t get a bigger role. Talk to Fiance, tell him what she said, and have him talk to her. It will be a tough road ahead if you fight this battle on your own and Fiance doesn’t agree.
Post # 4
If she wants to be in the wedding party so bad, tell your Fiance that he’s welcome to put her on HIS side. It’s not written in stone that each side has to be all one gender. I went to one wedding where the bride made her brother her “Man of Honor” and another where the groom had his sister as “Best Woman.” It’s unconventional, sure, but if he’s that close to her she should be on his side anyway.
Post # 5
OP, tell him to make her a groomswoman.
Post # 6
Could she be on the grooms side? I went to a wedding last year and the brides brother and male friend were on her side (along with her sister and female friend) and the groom had his two sisters (one was his Best Woman) and two male friends on his side. I think breaking the traditional “girls on the brides side, boys on the grooms side” is getting more common because people have opposite sex friends and family that they are close to.
Post # 7
Agree with PP, that’s quite immature of her. See what your Fiance thinks. I think picking a bridal party is a personal choice and I wouldn’t want to be dictated to and having people throwing tantrums.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor
@Ohiogal1201: Honestly, I think making her a bridesmaid would give you a chance to get to know her better, I really don’t see why it would hurt to make her a bridesmaid. I got to know both of my SILs so much better while Darling Husband and I were planning our wedding, and I feel much closer to them now!
Plus, I really don’t think it’s worth the hurt feelings. You don’t want to get off on bad footing. It sounds like it would mean a lot to your Fiance if you include her, and she obviously wants to be included.
Post # 9
@Ohiogal1201: If you have decided you are putting your foot down and are not going to have her, let your Fiance know you are going to have a talk with her. Invite her to lunch 1/2 way and have an open and frank conversation. “I really want to get to know you better, you mean so much to Fiance, I hope you will come to everything we are planning but we are keeping our wedding party small and I want to have my best girlfriends by my side”, etc…
Post # 10
Unless she has done something horrible to you, I really think you should put her in your wedding (whether on your side or his) especially because your Fiance is close to her. My Fiance didn’t want to “mix” the genders for our wedding so I am having his sisters as BMs and he’s having my cousins (who are like brothers to me) as GMs. I like them though so it doesn’t bother me.
I will say that her reaction to the situation was immature and she should have been an adult and spoken to YOU about her feelings. Plus, threatening to not attend anything because she’s hurt and not getting her own way is…well, it is ridiculous.
Good luck! 🙂
Post # 12
@JessSeny: this is quite a PC way to say what I want to say. Thanks for the suggestion!
Post # 13
I would have just made her a bridesmaid. I mean she’s someone who will always be involved in your life for as long as you guys are together, attending all holidays, family events, the aunt of your future children etc. Even if you aren’t close now theirs plenty of time in the future and making her a bridesmaid can give you a chance to bond and get closer. For me I know I would regret it otherwise
Post # 14
Even if I were a bridesmaid, I probably wouldn’t travel 6 hours for a shower or bachelorette party. If she feels *that* strongly about it and it means that much, I’d probably just give in and maybe it’ll bring you closer it. It’s not really a big deal with way imo. With her being 6 hours away, it’s just a title and pretty obvious its out of obligation to family to include her.
Post # 15
I wouldn’t make her a bridesmaid. you have your close friends and i think your SIL is just being a brat. just because she is your SIL doesn’t automatically mean she should be a bridesmaid.
my Mother-In-Law. actuallu recently said to me i wish SIL could have been a part of the weddin but oh well she’ll at least get to be in her boyfriends sisters wedding. to which i replied ‘oh shes getting married?’ and Mother-In-Law said no but when she does. so Mother-In-Law is just assuming that she will be a part of someones wedding that she has met twice!! it was anakward conversation but i wasnt going to make her a bridesmaid just because her and husband are related
Post # 16
With her being six hours away, it’s perfectly acceptable for you not to ask her to be in your bridal party. And you can always call her to ask how she feels about it, or ask your Fiance. If you really want to include her, she could supervise the guest book, pass out the rice (or birdseed, bubble, whatever you’ve chosen), ask her to help you choose more simple details or advice that can be handled over the phone or by email, give her a corsage, asked to do a reading, asked to give a speech, there are so many little things that will make anyone feel special.