Sister in law's abusive boyfriend on guest list

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I went to a wedding where they were worried about a family member who was a nuisance. Let me just say, they regret inviting that person. She ended up puking all over the table, WHILE WE WERE EATING! Passed out on the table, woke up, & threw up everywhere again. The wait staff refused to clean it up. It was a mess. 

Post # 5
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i wouldnt invite him, the man is an alcoholic. And if people support him being invited where they know there will be free booze, their idiots. Id put my foot down on this one bee, he’s her boyfriend not a husband, he doesnt need to be there. And if people think thats rude, tough sh*t. 

growing up with a bunch of alcoholics in my family, has taught me to have a no bullsh*t attitude towards people with drinking problems. 

if you think this guy will ruin your wedding due to the free booze, id make it loud and clear to everyone what your concerns are. Especially if he’s acted biligerent at other family gatherings. 

 

i had a similar situation, my husband wanted to invite a decent chick friend of his to our wedding, who didnt really like me and had a slight drinking problem, and had the habit of not so nice word vomit when she drank. I put my foot down and said absolutely not. Protecting my family and his family from drama means more to me then some side chick. 

Post # 6
Member
6870 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Invite him, and either you, your fi or both of you sit your FSIL down and tell her what you expect in terms of grown-up style behavior. I personally think you or your fi need to have this conversation with FSIL’s boyfriend and not FSIL, but the dynamics of the relationships may make it easier or more appropriate to deliver the message through her.

Post # 7
Member
1085 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Do not invite him, if he has stolen items from your house I’m sure he would have no reservations in stealing cards full of cash after indulging in the open bar. 

Post # 8
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think you can use the stealing as your excuse, if you do choose to tell your FSIL he is not welcome.  Be prepared for a lot of pushback from everyone though.

Post # 9
Member
4989 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

lunalovegood88 :  Invite him, he’s been around too long not to.  But make it 100% clear that if he gets out of line, he will be asked to leave and/or thrown out.  Then follow through.  And definitely make sure the wedding gifts are well watched.

Post # 10
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Hire security and give them a heads up about him. 

Post # 11
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Is there going to be a family mutiny if you don’t invite him? I personally think if he’s stolen from you then that is a hard no, but not everyone is going to see it that way.  Make sure you have bartenders who will cut him off, hie security to kick him out if need be, and for the love of god make sure your card box is locked and he can’t get into it to steal your wedding gifts.

Post # 12
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

justwaiting1230 :  FI and I went to a wedding last year where that happened. Thank goodness we were done eating at least. We squeezed at another table because of the stench. Ugh. 

 

OP: if you absolutely have no choice but to invite him, do you have a trusted family member or friend to watch your brother in law?

It is awful that anyone has to worry if an alcoholic will make a scene in front of family and friends at their wedding.  

Post # 13
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

it makes me really sick that the family tolerates this guy abusing SIL, they should be raising hell and doing everything possible to save her

do you watch lifetime movies? there’s a perfect example in “girl in the box” (based on a true story)– this girl’s family was worried her boyfriend was abusive but were too afraid to rock-the-boat and ask her if she needed help. The family said nothing because they were afraid she would defend her abuser and not speak to them again. So the family kept tolerant during the visit, then the girl left back to the abuse. It would have been so easy to speak up and save her but they didnt– that is their biggest regret to this day. That movie shook me to my core, I will never tolerate abuse towards anyone. You should speak up, someone has to- maybe SIL is afraid to ask for help or she’s too ashamed.

Post # 14
Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee

You are going to have drama around this issue, one way or another. If you invite him, he will likely behave poorly. If he’s been loud and belligerent previously at family gatherings, brace yourself, bc he’ll probably do it again- this time in front of YOUR family and friend. Are you prepared for that?

If you don’t invite him, then expect a whole lot of push back, particularly from your SIL bc this is her partner and she is going to defend him. Anticipate comments like, ‘ he’s been part of this family longer than you have’ or ‘ THIS is how you are going to start your marriage? By not including a family member? At the wedding?’ Sounds like your FI’s family has also tolerated him for a long time, and they are going to expect you to do the same, particularly if they feel that ‘deep down’ he’s a good guy. Also, you are rocking the boat regarding what they do in their family, so your IL’s are also likely to chime in… and they may tell you to invite him just to ‘keep the peace.’  If you do, then you are back to square one. You are also going to have other family holidays and events with these people so it is going to be important to lay out what type of behavior is going to be acceptable/ tolerated at family functions.

Pick whatever battle you are prepared to deal with- because I can’t imagine that having a talking to with him prior to the wedding is going to change the behavior of an addict. I’m sure your SIL has already had many discussions with him about not acting like an a-hole at a bday party or Xmas dinner or whatever. I’m sure your IL’s have also passed this message to their daughter to pass along to him, and clearly, this behavior still occurs- BECAUSE HE’S AN ADDICT. You can’t reason with an addict. An addict could tell you that he promises not to drink that day… and then he will because he’s in denial that he has a problem, or that one drink will be okay… or whatever.

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh- but I feel for you, I really do. It pisses me off entirely (on your behalf) that your choice here , as the bride, is to either deal with an embarrassing incident when it happens at the wedding  OR deal with the wrath of your IL’s and be the ‘bad guy’ for putting your foot down. I think you and your FI need to have a genuine conversation about this and come to a decision about which battle you are going to take on.

If it were me… (and of course it isn’t, it’s YOU), I wouldn’t invite him to the wedding.  I would also make it clear that he isn’t welcome in your home AND that if you are at a family event that he is also attending that if he is rude to you, or tries to pick a fight, or (fill in whatever limits you have) that you will be leaving. Managing this is not JUST about the wedding, it’s about making your expectations clear about what you will tolerate and what you won’t. You and your FI had better be on the same page about this and put on a united front.

 

Post # 15
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Typically all SO’s are supposed to be invited but the exception on inviting an SO is if they’re harmful or abusive in any way. If you feel uncomfortable inviting him, don’t invite him. 

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