Sister in law's abusive boyfriend on guest list

posted 4 months ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
3285 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It’s hard to defy an etiquette rule based on this person trespassing against your FSIL. But you can ABSOLUTELY ignore etiquette based on his trespass against you. I would use that as the explanation and not invite him.

“So and so is NOT invited. He stole from my home and is not invited to the wedding.”

Anyone who had a question would receive that same information and that would be it.

There is no fucking way I’d spend my time and money planning a beautiful wedding and have to have even one moment of worry about some jackass stealing things or getting drunk and acting a fool. Absolutely not. I wouldn’t even be willing to spend the extra money on security.

You don’t have to have a conversation with anyone about it. Make the decision and let people talk shit amongst themselves. Plan your wedding and enjoy your day. The issue may be your FI because he’s likely going to hear about it and then bug you. But he’ll eventually get it. A peaceful and joyous wedding day would be so worth it for me.

Post # 17
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

What TwilightRarity said – you don’t have to invite someone who has stolen from you, in your own home nonetheless!

Criminal behaviour is a good enough reason to excuse someone from the usual etiquette rules on who should be invited IMO.

Post # 18
Member
5424 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Yeah I don’t see how this is even a question. He stole from you. That’s a definite NOT INVITED in my mind. Does the SIL know that he stole from you?

Post # 19
Member
8371 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

are you close to your sister?  can you have an honest talk with her?

Post # 20
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Don’t invite him. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent I can guarantee you that no amount of discussion or even pleading will stop him from drinking at your weddig and acting in whatever manner he does when drunk.

Of you feel that the inlaws won’t accept that reason stick to the stealing as an excuse. I would defnitief not want someone at my wedding who has stolen from me.

Post # 21
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

sapphire27 :  Excellent point! 

I was reading comments and up until I got you yours I was like maybe it would be okay if they invited him. That reminder has me firmly in the camp of absolute do not invite. If someone is no longer allowed in your home, why tf would you want them at your wedding?

Post # 23
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I’m in a similar type situation, but it’s with FI’s step brother. In the past he has been verbally abusive and harassing to my FMIL, to the point where she felt threatened enough to get a restraining order against him. FI doesn’t like him because of the history with his mom, but FMIL has forgiven him and included him on her first list. 

FI and I don’t want to invite him, so we are putting our foot down with FMIL. We don’t feel comfortable having him at the wedding, so he’s not invited. If you feel strongly enough about your situation, I think you should do the same. 

Post # 24
Member
495 posts
Helper bee

Its too bad you and your FI can’t come to an agreement about this.  I don’t think his idea of a last minute invite will work, since I’m assuming your inlaws will know the date and time in advance.

Post # 25
Member
1127 posts
Bumble bee

Make your decision and stick with it.  But, also be sure you understand the interpersonal ramifications with the rest of the family before you do.  I’ve seen what seemed like small slights turn into long drawn out battles that lasted for years.

Post # 26
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If this man has stolen from you and is no longer welcome in your home, I can’t imagine why he’d assume he was welcome at your wedding.

However, whether he is abusive or an alcoholic is not your business. That’s between him and his girlfriend. She is the one choosing to put up with it.

Post # 27
Member
5424 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

lunalovegood88 : “so my fiance’s suggestion of a compromise was basically to invite him at the last minute and hope he can’t come because he is currently working/living a plane ride away.”

Sorry not sorry but your fiance’s idea is laughable. Unless you’re keeping the date an absolute secret from everyone, this dude knows when/where you’re getting married. You’re not going to catch him by surprise by inviting him at the last minute. When invites go out, if the sister gets one without his name on it, 1 of 2 things will happen:

1 – She’ll assume he’s invited regardless and he books his flight 

2 – She’ll directly ASK you if he’s invited, and you’ll cave and say yes, and then he books his flight

Post # 29
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

We dealt with this.  We did invite the partner.  We knew my best friend would not come without him.  We made sure our family knew what to expect and what to do if he got cray.  He didn’t, he really isolated the whole time.  He went to his car a few times.

We paid for my friend’s hotel lodging, she has no money.  They panhandle and street perform.  We learned after checkout that he had pushed her and she fell into a chair that knocked back and put a hole in the wall. We had to pay for the damage.  But I guess, for me it was worth it to see my best friend, to dance with her.  She was one of my bridesmaids, but I honestly didn’t think she’d actually make it.  I bought her dress and had everything ready just in case she did make it, but I had accepted that she might not.  So, we also found out from the hotel staff that they were fighting over getting to the actual wedding.  My friend wanted to go and her bf was out in the hall with his shirt off and not wanting to go.  I know there’s so much there, so much more than we can control.  I’m just so grateful that my friend fought so hard to come, I’ll always love her.  He’s the worst thing that ever happened to her!

 

 

Post # 30
Member
898 posts
Busy bee

I totally get not wanting him to come.  I totally get despising his guts.  I’m just afraid that if you invite her and not him he’ll take it out on her.

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