(Closed) Sister issue… need advice

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

To start out. My cousin who is now 21 years old, has a form of autism. He was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. It’s a high functioning autism. Mind you, he is now 21 years old. I love him to death and wouldn’t change anything about him, he is who he is. With that being said, I remember when we were kids, how he would literally have melt downs, because he didn’t like change, or maybe a noise that he didn’t like, or even somebody touching him. He is 21, with a job, and is a functioning adult in society, but he still lives with my aunt and uncle, he doesn’t drive, and he has a routine of what he eats every morning for breakfast and lunhc. To this day, he will have a full blown ‘melt down’ if something throws a wrench in his normal, day-to-day routine. I completely understand what you’re saying about the environment being overwhelming for her step-son.

My cousin came to my sister’s wedding last August, and even though all of his family members were there, there were still strangers there, and loud music, and people dancing. He did supprisingly well, he didn’t participate in any dancing, and was a little leary of some of the food items that were being served. The difference between your sister’s step son, and my cousin is simply that, they have an age difference. 6 & 21, so my cousin took SEVERAL classes growing up. They taught him to function, and tolerate being in public, dealing with situations that typicall would make him uncomfortable. It taught him personal space etc.

I also agree with you that it might be really overwhelming and uncomfortable for him. It could be really stressful, and like you said he most likely wouldn’t have any fun. So why put him through that? I could understand that your sister would be upset, maybe she wants everyone to be there? She has to put herself asside for a moment and think about her step son. It wouldn’t be in his best interest I don’t feel. It is your wedding after all, so she can’t tell YOU what to do. In the same sense, you can’t tell HER what to do, but it’s your event, it’s one day.

I fell you’re totally in the right. I hope she can see your point of view, and simply put, it’s mostly about what would be best for him! Good luck!

Post # 5
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

What about if the boys Mother talked to your sister about it.  I mean your sister would have to “bow” to the one that is with him day to day and knows his abilities and what simply is asking to much.

Post # 6
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013


I don’t think you’re overreacting. I’d tell your sister exactly what you told us. It seems like they don’t see him on a regular basis, while you do at play dates, and it sounds like your sister just doesn’t really know what his level of tolerance is.

I also think you should talk to your nephew’s mom and any other caregivers or therapists and see what they think before absolutely refusing. I’m inclined to think they’ll agree with you, in this case. And if they do, I think you should stay firm with your sister about not attending being in your nephew’s best interests. If they think he could do it, your sister should definitely arrange for someone to attend with him, someone familiar to him and that can take him home early if he can’t cope.

But on the whole, I’m inclined to agree with you. If he hasn’t expressed any interest in attending the wedding, I think it would be selfish and cruel of your sister to put him through that for her own reasons. Maybe you could come up with something special to do with your nephew, though, so he isn’t completely excluded? Maybe the day after, go over with a small “wedding cake” that you can all have together or something?

I’m usually a big proponent of giving children with disabilities (and adults too) the opportunity to attend weddings and events because they are family, and they deserve to be involved in family events, and if they’re always barred from them because of their disability, they’ll never learn any skills for coping with them. But then, the subtext in questions like this is usually that what the bride is really concerned about is that the individual in question would ruin her special day, and uses stress on the disabled person as an excuse for disposing of the nuisance. (Your post doesn’t come across like that at all.) I think the best interest of your nephew trumps your sister’s desire to have him there.

Post # 7
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

He should not be forced to attend an event that will be uncomfortable for him, just so your sister can show up with the picture-perfect-happy-family thing going on.  I really feel like that is what she’s trying to go for.  Otherwise, she’d be putting her stepson’s well-being first on her list of priorities.  There is nothing appropriate about bringing a non-wedding party child to a wedding, in the first place, even if they’re not Autistic.  I can only imagine how scary this is going to be for this child.

If I were you, I’d speak with your nephew’s mother in regards to what she thinks is appropriate in this situation.  She can request that her son not be brought to the wedding, and your sister and her husband will have no choice but to comply.

Post # 9
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@weeonebride: I think you have a viable arguement so I hope there is a way that this can be worked out….. Good Luck


Post # 10
41 posts
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you should just tell your sister how you truly feel.  If she’s a level headed person she will understand.  It’s YOUR wedding and this should not be a detail you have to worry about on your special day.  Alot of people opt out of having children at their wedding at all. I am only having my niece at mine because she is the flower girl.  And I also wont have to worry about how her behavior. Good luck!

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