Post # 1
A year ago, my fiance and sister got into a huge fight. I was on my fiance’s side. My sister said some really awful things, for which she has never apologized. I’ve moved on, and so has my sister, but my fiance has not.
I already asked her to be a bridesmaid, but now I’m thinking maybe she shouldn’t be in the wedding party.
I’m worried her being a part of it will add negative vibes to our special day. She’s the known drama queen in the family, and part of me knows if I kick her out that’ll cause just as much trouble.
I want my fiance to be happy, and to know that he is the most important person in my life, but how do I deal with a difficult sibling who is technically already in the wedding party.
I have anxiety over this, my gut tells me to give her the boot. Someone help!
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
It probably goes without saying that someone your Fiance cannot stand should never have been an invited Wedding Party member to begin with. But what is done, is done, and you are stuck with the consequence. Only kick her out if you are okay with the possibility of her not attending your wedding and not speaking to you ever again. Kicking someone out of a wedding party is generally a death knell to the relationship. Your other option is to cancel the entire wedding party. Just don’t have one at all and save yourself the trouble.
Post # 4
do they get along? Have they been together since? It sounds like it’s your Fiance that’s the problem as he can’t let go of what happened. Can you talk to him and explain she is your sister, you want her in the wedding, you understand that he doesn’t particularly like her but for your sake can he try and put his hurt feelings aside for one day. After that he can go back to hating her if he wants? I realize I haven’t worded this wonderfully but hopefully you get the gist of what I’m trying to say!
Post # 5
I think we need more information. What happending for them to get into a huge fight?
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
Has your Fiance voiced his displeasure over her being a BM? Did you ask him about it before you asked her to be a BM? Since you already asked her, and know that she will cause drama if you asked her to step down, I would leave it be. She is your sister after all. How much interaction will they really have with each other during the day besides some pictures?
Post # 7
She was drunk, they got in an argument at a party we had, and the next day she wrote him an e-mail that went on about how he doesn’t deserve me or treat me good enough, etc and so forth. It was really rude, and offended both of us. Her and I didn’t speak for a while. She’s the only person who’s ever had a problem with him. She’s pleasant towards him now. Neither of my parents have ever had an issue with him, and very much approve of us getting married. And when it happened they urged me to forgive her because “that’s just how she is”, referring to her causing drama.
The only reason I asked her in the first place was because she IS my sister. I really don’t know what I should do. I do need to talk to my fiance more about it, because regardless of what I decide, he needs to move on.
Post # 8
I think part of the reason she caused the fight was because she just wants attention. And I moved out of the apartment her and I shared to live with him.
Post # 9
Her email was directed at him and said nasty about him…so what was your response? I mean after you stopped talking to her? Did you ever stand up for your Fiance and tell her that her behavior was unacceptable? If this situation was flipped bees would be saying that your Fiance needs to stand up for you so you should be doing the same. He has a right to be hurt and a right to expect an apology and honestly I would be telling my sister that she needed to do that as part of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
ETA. ‘That’s just how she is’ is an sad excuse. Any adult can control their behavior if they choose and better to learn than sooner rather than later.
Post # 10
Did you forget they didn’t like each other? Why would you ask her if you knew they don’t get along? Honestly it sounds like you are trying to create “drama” by getting in to this situation. If its been over a year then everyone should be an adult, sit down and talk about what happened. She is your sister and he will be your husband so at some point they will have to be around eachother. Which is why they need to learn how to deal with this situation and move on. Then once they have resolved their issues have a wonderful wedding with her in the bridal party.
Post # 12
I would leave it as it now, but at the first sign of snarkiness I would have a sit down with her and put the ball in her court. At the point, tell her that you can see that she is not comfortable with being in the Wedding Party due to animosity towards your fiancee’. Then ask her if she would be more comfortable stepping down from being a bridesmaid as you know that she would not want her personal feelings to tarnish your wedding day.
That way she has the choice to either straighten up or bail, but this way you let her make the choice.
Post # 13
I’ve had an issue similar to this with my sister and FH….me and my FH had been a lot of issues which my sister knew about and once me and FH got back together of course no one in my family was happy about it. My parents just wanted me to be happy and they saw that so they left it alone. My sister on the other hand made it known that she didn’t like him – she would just walk by him without saying hi or anything and say hi to everyone else which really bothered me. My FH understood why she was upset but he never said anything to her or else that would cause more issues. My sister just included herself in my wedding because she’s my sister and to not cause any issues I just left it as is because I’m her Maid/Matron of Honor and I didn’t directly tell this to my sister but my mom and specifically said to her “if sister doesnt’ cut it out right now I won’t have her in the wedding…there is no way I’m having someone stand up next to me and they don’t support who I’m spending the rest of my life with” my mom could tell that I was really upset and she must’ve said something to my sister because from the point on she was nice…acknowledged him…and didn’t mind him coming around.
I would definitely talk to FH because like you said everyone is over it except him. He needs to be a man and just get over it. Leave her in the wedding because she’s your sister and like you said that would cause bigger issues if you just took her out.
Post # 14
Being a bridesmaid a privelege not a right. My aunt wasn’t my mother’s bridesmaid and she didn’t even get invited to my parents wedding. If you are not happy with having her then do not have her and it will save you alot of regret.
Post # 15
I have a similar problem. I also dont speak to my sister for similar reasons. She went on a rant about how ‘low class” my Fiance is.
My mother told her she was a bridesmaid without my concent. I had no problem telling her that our mother was mistaken.
Why have someone who isnt truely happy for you standing there with you? Knowing that they may still harbor thoses types of feelings?
I say do what feels right. Its your day. Its a day to celebrate what you and your love share together.
All others can step aside.
Post # 16
Well, two things.
Talking is always good. I would have lunch with my sister and have a SERIOUS conversation about how her email to your Fiance really bothered you. Stick up for your relationship, and tell her that you love her, you want her to be in your wedding, but she really has to respect Fiance and your relationship. Maybe it will be a good sister bonding moment…
Second, we all have family members that are difficult. Your Fiance knew he would be dealing with your sister for the rest of his life when he asked you to marry him. While, I’m totally for cutting out toxic family members from your life if necessary, most of the difficult family members aren’t truly toxic. They are merely difficult. I mean, she’s going to be there for all the major holidays and all the major milestones. So eventually, I hope they can learn to get along. Depending on your sister’s age (and sometimes not depending on it), she might have some maturing to do.
Also, what was your FI’s part in the initial argument? Is it possible he said some things that were hurtful to her? Things are hardly ever one-sided in the blame game. I understand you’d want to stick up for your Fiance, and I don’t think acknowledging his part in an argument is not sticking up for him, rather creating an opportunity for them both to grow.