- 9 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
Hi, I’m new… (please let me know if I’m violating posting etiquette in any way, and if I am, I’m sorry.) I could really use some advice.
I should start out by saying that my sister and I have never gotten along. When we were kids we fought to the point of physical violence on a regular basis, usually turned physical by her, and that never completely stopped (she bit me, hard, about five years ago, which was the second-to-last time I saw her). My sister and I are 3 years apart (she’s the older), and she got married when I was 20. She eloped with the man she had been dating, without an engagement, so none of us expected it or saw it coming. They were living pretty far away from us at the time, and still do. So we weren’t invited, but I wouldn’t have expected to be.
But they had a ceremony later, in front of his extended family. My sister wore the family dress–heirloom lace–and I’m still not sure why none of our side of the family was invited or told. We don’t have a great relationship, but I didn’t think it was that bad. We’ve talked about it since then, and she says she just didn’t think it was a big deal. I feel weird about it, though.
So she’s had two weddings without me. When I got engaged, I was pretty excited. We’ve been going out for four years and talking about marriage for a while, so it didn’t really come as a surprise to people. My sister had always told me that she wanted to be the first to know. I tried to tell her first; I called her seven times in a row. I eventually texted her a picture of the engagement ring, and she responded right away with, “…did you get married?”, just like that. No congratulations, no excitement. I felt let-down, since she knew I was calling and didn’t care enough to pick up when I called seven times in a row (which I don’t do unless something big is happening), but a text message got an instant response. I talked to her after that, but it didn’t make me feel much more like she was excited or happy for me. I felt like she was actually kind of mad at me for getting engaged. She kept saying that we shouldn’t have a long engagement, we should hurry up and get married, we should elope–she kept saying we should do all the same things she did.
I asked her to be my matron of honor. We always said that was what we’d do, so I asked her even though I had two other good people who would make great MOHs. She lives on the other side of the country, so I knew she couldn’t be involved in a lot of the wedding planning, but I wanted her to be there at our wedding and to know that she’s special to us.
Since then, we keep having blowout fights. It’s over really stupid stuff. She wanted to design jewelry for all the bridesmaids, and I told her that was nice of her, but I already had something in mind. She said, “Do you think what I make won’t be good enough?” and we started fighting. It’s been one thing like that after another. The last thing was when she wanted contact information for all the other bridesmaids. She initially said it was to plan a surprise party, then that it wasn’t about a party, then that she wanted to talk to them about dresses. Honestly, I didn’t want her to talk to them. She’s said really hurtful things about my bridesmaids to me before. (She called one of my friends a “waste of air.”) I know when she gets angry she does things that are not good. I’m afraid she’ll send them e-mails when she gets mad at me. I’m afraid she’ll talk trash about them to me. She cusses me out six ways to Sunday when she gets mad, and I usually try not to swear back, but lately I’ve lost my cool on multiple occasions.
We didn’t talk for six months about a year and a half ago because she told me that my fiance wouldn’t be with me if he knew what a terrible person I was. I figured that was unacceptable. Eventually we made up; I missed her. It seems like I always eventually miss her, no matter how many times we stop talking and start again.
So the latest fight was really bad. She wanted to plan my bachelorette party, but I said I was already making plans for it. (I do not trust her to throw a good bachelorette party. She started drinking hard when she was in the military and I don’t want to get that drunk.) She said she was going to Facebook-stalk the other BMs if I didn’t give her all their contact info so she could plan a surprise for me. I said it was sweet of her but I didn’t want a surprise party and if she wanted to talk about her dress she should talk to me, since I’ve asked my BMs to send me pictures of dresses before they get them (everyone is getting a different dress and nobody’s even gotten the paint chips I’m sending out yet), so there was no reason for me to give her their info. She wouldn’t let go of it. Keep in mind she has never, in four years of dating and engagement, wanted to talk to my future SIL; now all of the sudden she’s yelling at me that she wants to talk to Future Sister-In-Law because she’s going to be family. This is from someone who hasn’t so much as called me back after I call her on Christmas in ten years or more. She can’t remember my birthday. I don’t know what she thinks she’s going to accomplish by talking to the other BMs, but I don’t want her to talk crap to them or about them.
She’s also threatened to punch me or release a rat under my skirt at the wedding, so.
I feel like she’s upset at not being the center of attention, especially since she’s going through some rough times with her marriage and she’s never made it a secret that she wishes she’d done the first wedding differently. We’re also having a pretty big wedding, and she keeps saying that she thinks it should be a small wedding. Once when we were talking about her maybe doing a vow renewal with her husband (coincidentally, the spring before my summer wedding, but she’s changed her mind about doing the ceremony), she said that she couldn’t think of more than three or four people she would want to have there. It turned into a fight about whether she would even want me there, since she said she wouldn’t trust me to be happy for her and be nice to her.
So what I’m wondering at this point is whether it’s worth it to try to have her at our wedding when she’s so angry. I feel like on one hand, I’ll miss her and I will regret it if she’s not there, but I’ll be a lot less worried that she’s going to do something awful, like punch me or make a scene. If she is there, I’ll be glad but she’ll probably be mad at me–for not paying for her plane ticket, for not complimenting her dress enough (she’s planning to make it herself), for not paying for her dress materials, for not letting the BMs wear the jewelry she wanted to make, for whatever comes into her head to be mad about. I don’t trust her, is the bottom line.
Is it worth the anxiety to have her there, even though I don’t trust her to behave appropriately?