Post # 1
My sister has been married 11 years. She got married at 23. She means the world to me. We are probably closer than I can begin to describe.
Last night, she admitted to me that she’s not happy. Her exact words were “I got married at 23. I’m not the same person I am today that I was then. I’ve changed. I want/need different things.”
I asked her if she still loved her husband and she said “I love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore”.
They recently went to Italy for almost a month and she spoke to him about this while they were there. (It’s that bad that you speak of these things on your holiday?).
I guess he works too much and when he’s home, she already made plans to go out (because she’s lonely and at that point, on the rare occasion he’s home, she dosen’t want to cancel on her friends so he just sits and drinks or what have you).
She lost her diamond a few years ago while cleaning the house and never found it. I know she was hoping for a new ring on their 10th anniversary but he dropped the ball. I don’t know why my brother in law is like this…so unaffectionate. I know he used to be affectionate. I lived with them for several years before they got married and were just dating (we were all room mates). I remember him being more focused on her. Pet names. Lots of dates.
I am so sad and worried for her. She deserves the world. Not to mention they have two amazing and beautiful twins who adore both their mommy and daddy. I think I’m going to cry 🙁
Post # 3
@Just_Squeeze: Awww Hugs!!!! So sorry that is happening to her. Do you think counselling might help? It sucks when there’s kids involved.
Post # 4
That is unfortunate. I am a very different person now than I was at 23. Motherhood changed a lot of my perspective on relationships. I give the world to my child, and I want my husband and I to do the same for each other.
Falling out of love sucks. It’s usually never one thing that causes someone to call it quits, it’s years of unspoken things. I hope she can find a peaceful resolution to this so that everyone can be happy again.
Post # 5
Have they considered seeing a marital counselor? Or would they be open to that suggestion?
I think at least some of the things they’re going through are normal; affectionate doesn’t often last forever, being busy is a huge stressor on any relationship (because what’s left when you don’t see each other?), etc. and there are ways that they can heal the hurt in their relationship and work towards being healthier and happier in the future.
Post # 6
Thank you very much everyone.
He dosen’t believe in counselling and I guess my sister dosen’t either. In that, to her, the solution is simple. “Be the man I married and we can be happy again. Work less and we can be happy again”.
I really hope they make it. Like I said, she deserves the world and the children need both their parents.
They just put in a 50 grand pool. He couldn’t get her a 1 grand ring?
Post # 7
So sorry to hear that. It is worse as an outsider looking in. My best friend got married at 21 and regretted it for years because she kept wondering what she missed out on. Her situation is different in that they do nothing without the other one. But it did take her awhile to realize that she was happy where she was. It could be that both are regretting getting married young and neither is willing to make the necessary changes. Unless they both decide to make ti work then nothing will help them.
Post # 8
@StormyRose: Yes, she admitted to me that I “did it right”. She said “You’re 38 now and you are now who you always will be. I’ve grown and changed. You lived your life and had your experiences and I’m just having mine now.”
My Mom also married young. 21. But that was 45 years ago and life was different then. Even if you grew and changed, you knew you would be doing so with your spouse. It was also a very different world.
Post # 9
I don’t always get the “I love him, but not in love with him” thing. You aren’t always going to be “in love” with your spouse. There are going to be dark storms and you just have to get through it together.
This reminds me of this quote:
“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
To me, it sounds like she needs to do some soul searching.
Post # 10
@Miss Tattoo: :LOVE this!! Its so true. I’ve been with my husband since I was 20, got married at 25, and we were lucky enough to grow together. I definitely feel like I am still in love with him, but I know it won’t last forever.
Post # 11
I agree with Miss tattoo. Love and marriage isn’t always about being in love. It’s about having a partner, and companion throughout your life. I heard that throughout a lifelong marriage there will be times when you are not “in love” your partner. But you get through those times. Marriage is about through thick and thin.
Just sounds like your sister is going through a rough patch. I hope she and her husband can overcome it.
In respects to the ring, she got her ring when they were married several years ago, no? Maybe her husband couldn’t afford anything else back then. Also, it’s all just material anyways….
Post # 12
Marriage takes alot of work, no matter what age you are or relational experience you have.
It’s sounds to me that they’ve both dropped the ball on putting the work in, and the natural degregation of love has taken place…. Even if he works alot, she shouldn’t shut down in doing her part b/c to her it’s “too little too late”.. time and energy into ones marraige is the most important time and energy one will ever exert.
It’s definitley not “too late” though.
I know your sister wants her husband to “be the man she married” but she’s not the woman he married either… they’ve both changed. And really we continue to change until we die… yes we get set in some ways BUT we’re always learning more about ourselves and our capabilities.. so with that, it’s up to them to stay on the same page and take the ways they’ve changed/grown and bring that together.
There are things that they can do that don’t include another person/outsider for counseling.
There are some really great resources on Marriage that they can get and do themselves in their own home, or even on the road if he travels.
Some of my Favorites are the book Love & Respect and the DVD Seminar Indestructible Marriage by Jimmy Evans (DH and I absolutely love this series).
Both of these cost less time and money than counseling or a divorce and when put into practice can give your sister and BIL a better marriage than they ever dreamed.
Sorry you’re sister is feeling in that place, it’s more common than not & is pretty much the turning point of most all marriages… to love regardless of feeling and push through for the benefit of the marraige and each other. Just continue supporting her and lifting her up. Goodluck
Post # 13
@Just_Squeeze: “Be the man I married” – that seems vastly unfair, considering she is well aware that she is no longer the woman he married.
People grow, and relationships need to grow with them. I don’t mean to sound frustrated, but people who don’t see the value in counseling baffle my mind – you’re being offered tools to improve your situation and you don’t find the value in them? Or won’t try to utilize that opportunity because it can be hard/awkward? Really?
Post # 14
I hate hearing about people having these kinds of problems. It’s very sad to see someone you love hurting. To me it doesn’t sound like its because they married young that they are having problems, it sounds more like they are both giving up a little. Love isn’t easy and sometimes it takes work. Like PP’s said it sounds like a rough patch. Its too bad they aren’t interested in marriage counseling, it sounds like they could really benefit from it.
Post # 15
@Cash000: her original ring was a 2 grand solitaire. Like I said, a few years ago, she lost it and never found it.
Now, he can afford anything he wants. She deserves a new ring.
Post # 16
At least they married for a good reason…. not for money (like my SIL) or because of a child (someone else we know). And before anyone bashes me about my SIL, even HER MOTHER admits that’s why they got married. (She isn’t happy unless he’s spending $$$ on her… and the kids get pushed to the side.) The friend… well, it was more to do with doing the “proper” thing than anything else. (Yes, I love him and wish only the best for him.)
Hopefully your sister and her husband can work it out. I hope so, especially with the kids involved.
Though, I’m also of the opinion that if she’s miserable and it can’t be worked out, it’s time to leave. BUT, that’s because I’ve been in that type of situation and left while pregnant…. Again, personal belief. Everyone has to do what is right for THEM.
Maybe more ‘date nights’ can be had? Or even lunch dates?