(Closed) Sister (MOH) declining b/c "no kids"

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 122
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Here’s our take on it…

We do not have children, do not plan on having children, and do not want unattended children causing trouble at our wedding/reception.  I’m with you, I would just rather not have them there.  I don’t hate kids, I just don’t want them causing problems at a WEDDING.  Less potential trouble and less mouths to feed, but you need to understand that can sometimes be a hinderence to people trying to attend that you really want attending.

Newborns (or non-mobile babies) are fine, they can’t cause trouble.  They also really need to be with their parents and, understandably, the parents are not going to want to leave very young children with a babysitter.  We are good with that.

Some people cannot use a babysitter.  For example, people coming from out of town with children can’t really leave them behind normally and can’t really find a babysitter very easiliy when staying in a hotel.  We are ok with that, but they are expected to keep this children in line.

Kids old enough to “know better” are ok.  But you have some kids (my sis-in-law especially) are, for lack of a better word, brats.  If they misbehave, again, the parents will be expected to keep them in line.  If they cannot the will be expected to remove the child – and I will be very direct about that if the situation is not handled by the parents.

Essentially, the message is you can bring your kids if you really need to, but they had better behave themselves and, if they do not and it is not nipped in the butt quickly, someone else will deal with it for them.

Post # 123
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I haven’t read all the comments, but we had a childfree wedding.  My husband’s sister chose not to come.  Maybe it’s horrible to say, but though we were a little sad that she chose not to be there, we didn’t let it ruin our day.  We had a great time.  I say stick to your guns.  My sister did not bring her two young children and those are my nephews.  I’m sorry, no one gets a “pass” just because they’re “family.”

Post # 124
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cookielot:  she has to make the decision that is best for her and her family.

She’s right about that.  My sister has two little one’s and probably can’t stay the whole night of my wedding.  It’s a bummer, but I said the exact same thing to my Fiance – “She has to do what’s best for her family.”

Post # 125
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

And for those who say we might regret not having the kids there, I certainly didn’t.  We had a grand old time.

Post # 126
Member
6299 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@karatechick27:  I agree. I don’t understand the idea that someone might regret not having kids at their wedding. Why? Call me dramatic, but as a wedding photographer, kids at weddings is my biggest pet peeve. Obviously I’m not going to be mean/rude to them, I love kids, but they pretty much spend the whole day/night in the way. Every.Single.Wedding I photograph with kids in attendance they’re running around the reception unattended. I would die of shock if I didn’t have a kid in the cake cutting photos. Seriously, it happens all the time. You’d think people would be responsible enough to see that their kid is salivating over the cake table while the couple is cutting but no, they let little Johnny end up in all the photos.

Post # 127
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@starfish0116:  I agree with you on this!  My Future Sister-In-Law does it as well (called my Fiance and yelled at him because he hasn’t asked them to be in the wedding yet….yelled at him because “her family” could not attend our engagment party which they could have but her circumstances and choices she did not bring them….and now we’re having a barbecue with his cousins and his sister and the kids are coming along with her mother in law….) and it DRIVES ME NUTS….

Women who only identify themselves as mothers do end up missing out on things…I get that you love your child, BUT, you’re not doing yourself or your child any favours by not leaving them home sometimes!

Post # 128
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@cookielot:  Honestly, I am truly sorry for you, I’m sure that you love your sister, because she is your sister, but I can not believe how selfish she is (I’m not trying to be disrespectful by saying that I’m just trying to be honest). I have read all your posts and other’s comments and can not help but feel for you. If I were you I would be in tears and I am not a cryer at all. I really hope things work out for you on your wedding day, and it is extremely unfortunate that she pulls these stunts at other events too. My sibling would go to the end of the earth to make me happy and I just wish yours would too. If I knew where you lived I would honestly give you a hug:)

I think you should stick to your guns, not just cause I think you’re right in this situation, but because it honestly seems like your sister needs to be brought back down to earth, she can’t always get her way. I actually think it’s unfair to your other guests with kids who are respecting your wishes and finding other arrangements that she is insisting her child come when no one elses can. I have never heard of such behaviour. It’s your wedding, your day, your choice, please do what YOU want. If she really loves and respects you she will honour your wishes.

Post # 129
Member
630 posts
Busy bee

@cookielot:  Wait. She also didn’t go to your law school graduation because she couldn’t bring her children? And she goes out regularly with her husband and has them babysat? I’m so sorry. This is just simply not cool of her. Not at all. I would be so incredibly hurt if my sister didn’t come to my graduation or my wedding. Especially if I made her maid of honor. OP, I’m really sorry that she is doing this to you. I don’t know you and I so upset for you! Hugs!

Post # 131
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

“Wait. She also didn’t go to your law school graduation because she couldn’t bring her children? And she goes out regularly with her husband and has them babysat? I’m so sorry. This is just simply not cool of her. Not at all.”

If this is true I would not cut her any slack.  I would VERY tempted to say “If you just don’t want to come that’s ok.” wait for her to claim it’s because of having to get a babysitter, then say “If you can afford a babysitter to go out with your (husband) you can afford one for my wedding”.

But then, I’m mean that way… corner people using their own actions/words against them.

Post # 132
Member
1388 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@cookielot:  “She also declined to attend my graduation from Law School last month”

Ouch! Petty petty….. I’m guessing she will hold her ground then, and I’m sorry to say this, but you might be better off. If she’s actually going to ignore important events in your life as a pattern because of her power struggle issues, don’t cave. It’ll only show her that her strategy worked. I’m so sorry. 

Post # 133
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@starfish0116:  I almost spit out my tea lauging at your reply! I went to a wedding last week and my 5 year step daughter kept trying to go up to the cake table while they were cutting it! Lol, i was kneeling down hissing,”Ana! Get back here, they’re taking picstures!”. 

As to the OP, i say stand your ground because it’s your wedding, your day and you’ve already gone out of your way to accomidate her, (ring bearer, offer to pay for a sitter etc etc), and nothing is good enough. 

Personally, we’re having kids at our wedding because Fiance is dead set on it. He says families means babies, end of story. But most of them will be babies or toddlers so I’m not too worried.  But a co worker of mine who just recently got married had 24 kids, mostly boys between 5-9 running around causing havoc at her wedding. So it’s a mixed bag really. Some will be ok, some will be crazy. I don’t blame you for wanting your day to reflect how you feel at all. 

One last point, while mediation is generally a good thing and I’m glad you’re getting your dad to help, mediation also gives MoH the impression that you’re on equal grounds.  But you’re not, it’s YOUR wedding. YOUR day.  YOUR ceremony.  YOUR party.  She needs to check herself, swallow her pride, and remember that her sister is getting married and she’s lucky that you asked her to stand by you while you pledge your life and your love to another! 

Post # 134
Member
630 posts
Busy bee

@MrsVandykins:  I second this. While I fully support your attempt to mediate with her for the sake of family harmony don’t be placed on “equal footing” with regard to a decision about your wedding day. The decisions about who to have at your wedding are up to you and your Fiance. Don’t be bullied. 

Post # 135
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

She missed your law school graduation over a kids rule? But she has hired babysitters for date nights? Wow. Sorry you’re related to her. Hold your ground.

Post # 136
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ridiculous. I personally don’t think little kids belong at weddings. I’m sure your Maid/Matron of Honor can’t be an adult about that and respect your decision and your day.

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