(Closed) Sister, MOH – I'm devastated (sorry, this is long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

First off (((HUGS))). I am sorry you have to go through this so close to the big day. I wish I had more advice to give you. But in my experience, when family members are acting like this because of the SO in their life, it is near impossible to change their mind. In order to keep your future relationship intact with your sister you just need to let her come to the realization on her own that you were not the one in fault here.

As far as the bridesmaid situation, maybe in a week or so things will cool off and she will come back. But if not, and you still want her to have the place of Maid/Matron of Honor, what about naming her honorary Maid/Matron of Honor and then having friend stand in place of her? I am doing something similar for my best friend that won’t be able to make it because she is in the service.

Good luck and a few more (((HUGS))) for good measure πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I am so sorry that you are going through this πŸ™ I can see how draining it is on you and in all honesty, you shouldnt have to put up with it. You’re best bet is to either try and sit her down and her own or right her a letter. If you can sit her down, start off by telling her that you would appreciate it if she let you say your piece and then you’d be willing to hear every last word she had to say after. Also, if she got up and walked away during the conversation, then its her who is walking away, you wont try to reach out to her anymore, and will find another Bridesmaid or Best Man for your party. (I’m assuming she has already told you she’s out anyway if I understand correctly)

If she wont talk, write her. I know a lot of people arent the writing types anymore but it gives you the oppurtunity to say your piece and “take back” the words if it doesnt come out right the first time. Once you have it written how you want it to be read, you give it to her and then the ball is in her court. Tell her she has x amount of time to respond  (give her a day or two) and then if you havent heard from her by then, youre moving on with your wedding and making the appropriate changes.

As for her husband, I dont know of much that you can do. You have to be honest though. Tell her your feelings and thoughts. Its not your responsibilty or problem of how theyll react. You have to live your life with your and your familys best interests first. As they are married with kid, she is unto him as he is to her. πŸ™

I hope these options have helped some. And I’m thankful that you felt comfortable enough to vent on here. I hope things come to some sort of an end so you recieve the closure you need and can enjoy your day to the fullest!

Chin up, beautiful!

Post # 5
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow first off I want to say that I’m so sorry  you have to deal with this, this close to your wedding. Big hugs your way.

 

Honestly I don’t think there is much you can really do. You’ve tried talking it out and even gone through friends and she clearly isn’t interested in responding of working things out.

Honestly I think both of you are emotional given that you are both dealing with very difficult situations in your life.

Although I know you want her in your life, the best you can do is put it out there that you want to work on it and that you love her but I would also just leave it in her court right now. You can’t force anything on her, it needs to come from her.

What I don’t understand is why no one is taking his ASSUALT on you seriously…is it really a surprise that things have gotten sour since this happend? Personally I would not feel comfortable having a person who assaulted me work on my car so I’m a little confused on that. Did he appologize or try to make it right? If it had been me I would have let me sister know I’m here with open arms and I’m not cutting her out of my life but I would absolutely not have him in my life nor would I allow my children to be around him either.

 

I wish you the best, but I think this one is in your sister’s hands. Maybe the break fromt he constant drama will be good for you to just take a step back and really enjoy your wedding, your Fiance and the planning process.

Best of luck!

Post # 7
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you’re going to like what I’m going to say, but I’m going to say it anyway because I honestly want to try to help you.  Anyway, I think there are 3 parts to this problem you’re having with your sister:

#1.  This twin feeling you have with your sister.  You’re NOT twins, but even if you were, you’d still be different people leading completely different lives.  You’re comparing your life to hers in every possible way, right down to your rings.  It really doesn’t matter what kind of ring she wears or if she even wears one at all, so please try to forget about things like that and focus only on the important issues that are coming between you and your sister.  It doesn’t help you or her in any way to compare your lives, especially if she already feels that you look down on her.  How do you think she would feel if she read this post of yours?  You’re basically saying that you’re doing everything the right way while she continually makes poor decisions which you, the YOUNGER sister, have lectured her about.  Even though you only wanted to help, this would be embarrassing for any sister, but especially an OLDER sister! 

#2. Your bachelorette party.  As your maid of honor, it was up to your sister to plan one for you and the bride doesn’t usually have anything to do with it other than attending.  Sure, your intentions were noble because you were concerned about the cost of it (no doubt in part because of her financial troubles) but you’re her sister, and if she wants to do this for you, I say let her.  In my experience, I’ve noticed that people will only get upset if you try to stop them from doing something nice that they want to do for you. I’m sure your intentions were to protect your sister, but she may have taken offence. 

#3. The issues you have with your brother-in-law make this a very, very complicated situation with no easy resolution.  I don’t blame you one bit for hating him and would hate him myself if I was in your position (especially given how protective I am of my family and friends) but how does your sister feel about him?  Obviously, he’s no Prince Charming, but does she love him?  Is she loyal to him?  Does she stand by him?  If the answer to any of those questions is “yes,” then you have to realize the position she’s in.  It’s bad enough to be married to a guy like that, but to be caught in the middle of a constant battle between him and your sister is rough!   As his wife, her place is with him, and you can’t alienate him without alienating your sister. Normally, I would recommend trying to make nice with him for the sake of your sister and the kids, but given that he’s already assaulted you, I can certainly understand if you never wanted to have another thing to do with him.  Just realize that if you do make the decision to cut him out of your life completely, that decision can cost you your sister and her children as well.  There’s no way to punish him without also punishing her.

All in all, your intentions are good, but did you ever hear that saying about the highway to Hell being paved with good intentions?  It’s a very difficult situation that you’re in because it’s hard to know how to help without causing more harm.  I really feel sorry for you because you’re in an extremely difficult and delicate situation but I hope you don’t give up on your sister.  With a husband like the one she has, she’s definitely going to need your love and support.  Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sperbunki:  Ooooookay.  Look, I’m sorry that my post offended you, but to say that I chastized you is a major exaggeration.  I wasn’t trying to attack you!  I only said what I did to try to HELP and offer you a different perspective, and I even sympathized with you.  However, now you’re claiming that you never lectured your sister?  Your own post specifically states, “Here I was, “little” sister lecturing the big sister to SLOW IT DOWN!”  Re-read it yourself if you don’t believe!  As for the bit about the rings, you never stated in your original post that your sister is the one who keeps comparing your rings so I didn’t understand why YOU were bringing this up and therefore suggested letting it go.  At least now it makes sense, but you could have explained it earlier instead of getting mad at me because I didn’t happen to know what you hadn’t explained.  I’m not psychic!

In either case, I’m done replying to you because it is obvious that no good will come of it.  You’re going to extremes to try to defend a viewpoint, not taking anything positive from my post, only getting upset from it, and flipping out at me so goodbye.  I’m sorry I said anything in the first place.

Post # 10
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@MoonlightRose:  I agree with your posts:) I actually just typed a really long response, but your original post summed it up!

 

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