(Closed) Sister (MOH) woes…REALLY long – get some popcorn.

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You weren’t lying. Any chance there’s an abbreviated version?

Post # 4
Member
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I made it through. πŸ™‚

i think you need to put aside your anger if you do truly want her to be in your wedding. Obviously she is in a really sticky situation with her husband and is maybe going through a lot at home… have you talked to her about this at all? It sounds like you’re really close so should be able to talk about stuff like that?

Can you just stop over at her house to see her? Maybe when you know husband isn’t going to be there? Find her a babysitter so you two can go out to dinner and talk? Have your mom get involved (just to mediate, can your mom invite her over without telling her you will be there?).

If none of that works send her an email, but seriously put aside your anger. You are mad at her husband, not at her. Don’t blame her for her situation. Let her know that she will ALWAYS be your sister, you REALLY DO want her in your wedding, standing next to you. Put aside everything else and just let her know all of the reasons why you want her there, why you love her, etc. etc. She may need to be reminded of that, vs. the mistakes she has made!

Post # 5
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

HUGS!!!! I made it through all of that I feel terrible for you, my sister and I are close, 13 months apart and I couldn’t imagine not having her at my wedding.  I think you need to just show up on her doorstep and tell her how much you love her.  Don’t even mention her husband focus on fixing your relationship first.  Good luck and I really hope everything works out.

Post # 6
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I made it through the whole thing and I so wished I had some popcorn for this. xD

*tons of hugs for you*

This is hard, and my heart hurt for you. The pain you are feeling must be immense. It seems like you both are dealing with a lot internally. 

It might seem heartless but maybe you could try not having contact with her? Try letting her come to you after she has cooled down and worked through her own stuff before coming back together. 

I am an only child so I have no idea what it is like to have a sibling, but I do know that taking some time to be with yourself is good, it will help you both calm down and sort things out for yourselves. 

You say you’ve sat down and tried to come up with the words but cannot, I think that is a sign that you two need this break from each other. Yeah, it hurts because you two have been close your entire lives, but once the both of you calm down and have time to think and sort through your emotions I bet you both can come back together and discuss things like the sisters you are!

She might not be in your wedding which is going to hurt a lot and I get that you don’t want to replace her since she is after all your sister and if she doesn’t show then she doesn’t show, enjoy your day the best you can because you’ll be there with the person that matters – your Fiance (not to say she doesn’t matter but you can’t marry your sister.) But if she does change her mind then accept her back, you may be angry but what is more important? Letting your anger control the situation to be right or to have your sister there? 

Good luck~

Post # 8
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Okay, I came out the other side alive! πŸ™‚

 

I think you need to let her know that you are there and available to her, you are sorry you hurt her and you don’t want a riff in your relationship, but you are always going to be there when she is ready to talk. If she won’t answer your texts or emails, try mailing a letter (old fashioned, but it might work!).

Your sister does seem to be jealous and I wouldn’t be suprised if she is depressed. She is clearly in a relationship that has serious financial hardship, young children (which is difficult in any situation!) and there seems to be abuse from her husband. I would hope that one day she will recognize this and need the strength to leave, and I have a feeling you will be there to help.

That being said, if you and your sister do re-establish a relationship fairly quickly, I think that you need to set some new ground rules. The first will be that there is no money exchanged, because I would take a fairly good guess those A/C parts were never ordered. The second would be that your sister visits you, and you avoid Ken. I have a feeling that Ken and you in the same room will only lead to further issues. Finally, I would keep all topics of conversation to avoid anything to do with Ken, her financial situation, etc.

I understand how upset you are, but, honestly, I feel horrible for your sister. I can only imagine what she is going through. You know that expression, “we hurt the ones we love the most”? That is what it reminds me of. She is frustrated with her life and Ken, but she can’t take it out on Ken, so you come first in the line of people she loves most. It’s not fair, but sometimes being there for someone isn’t fun.

I would leave that spot open for your sister. Something tells me she wouldn’t miss your wedding, as jealous as she might be, for the world.

Post # 9
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

She may be jealous of you, she may not – she’s in a terrible situation and has bigger fish to fry. Maybe she feels ashamed that her husband stole your car part money and is taking any excuse to bail on your wedding. Maybe he took his frustrations over your needing the part ASAP (and thus exposing his theft) out on her – her life sounds very difficult in a lot of ways. Your wedding is what she can easily get out of, her marriage isn’t (in her mind – we all know that losers are easy to get rid of when we want to). 

Nothing you say is going to make her leave him, unfortunately. Pick a new Maid/Matron of Honor and if your sister comes back, she can be a bridesmaid. All you can do is forgive her and be ready to be there for her and her children if they ever leave. F him, though. My grandfather would call him a hemorrhoid because assholes have functions, and this guy doesn’t even have that.

Post # 10
Member
9653 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

Your poor sister πŸ™ i would definitely be there for her, and keep the Maid/Matron of Honor spot open for her.

I’m actually astounded that she would pull this on me. I’m literally 30 days out. ” while i understand why you’re upset, it is about more than just your wedding right now. she is going through a lot, she has higher priorities than your wedding right now. just be there to support her and work on mending your relationship πŸ™‚

Post # 11
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you have to let it go and accept that these are the choices she made in her life and there’s nothing you can do to make it better for her. It’s not in your power, and it’s not your responsibility.

I’ve had family members make really bad life choices before, and I’ve found, for me, the hardest thing to get over is that I look at how bad they have it, because of the choices they’ve made, and I feel guilty because I love my life. And then I go through this thing where I’m trying to “help” them fix theirs. It’s not entirely selfish, because I do want them to be secure and happy. But I also want to stop feeling bad when I’m around them.

What it comes down to is that you can’t make decisions for your sister. You can’t undo any of the things she’s done, the mistakes she’s made. You can’t fix her relationship or her finances. The only thing you can do is distance yourself from the situation to the point where it can’t really get to you any more. As long as you’re trying to “fix” things, she’s going to feel like you’re judging her and that her life isn’t good enough.

If she’s not speaking to you, not answering the phone, etc. at this point, I’d just send her a text saying, “Hey, I’m sorry things got so out of hand. Let me know when you’re ready to talk. I love you.” and then leave it up to her when she’s ready.

If you still want her in your wedding, you may want to talk to your mom, and see if she can let your sister know that you’re not angry with her, and that her being Maid/Matron of Honor is still really important to you, if she still wants to do it. 

Post # 12
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Elvis:  “What it comes down to is that you can’t make decisions for your sister. You can’t undo any of the things she’s done, the mistakes she’s made. You can’t fix her relationship or her finances. The only thing you can do is distance yourself from the situation to the point where it can’t really get to you any more. As long as you’re trying to “fix” things, she’s going to feel like you’re judging her and that her life isn’t good enough.

If she’s not speaking to you, not answering the phone, etc. at this point, I’d just send her a text saying, “Hey, I’m sorry things got so out of hand. Let me know when you’re ready to talk. I love you.” and then leave it up to her when she’s ready.”



+1

Post # 13
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ugh. I typed a long Too Much Information paragraph about my sister, but I’ll just say this-people make bad choices…Yes, I feel guilty sometimes for having the things and the life that I have..but I can’t make my choices for my sister…she is an adult. I know she is depressed at the way her life is turning out…I can’t change it.

Your sister is probably ashamed and embarrassed. I mean, her husband is an ass, and it’s probably easier in her life to have YOU upset with her than him…if that makes sense? I know that since my sister lives with her family and my mother, it is easier for her to take things out on me instead of making her living situation worse…she might also be jealous…idk if I’d use the term jealous, really…..it sounds petty…maybe envious?

Let her cool down, tell her when she’s ready to talk it out, you’ll be there…I’ve been doing it for 15 years with mine…I wish I could fix all that is wrong with her situation but I can’t. So, I’ll just be there and listen when she needs to complain about it…

 

Post # 14
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

 

I could have written a post like this!

I haven’t spoken to my sister in two years and she will not be invited to my wedding unless she chooses to change the situation. We were also best friends and were together all the time (even lived together for a year after our divorces) but she also chose her alcoholic boyfriend. She has chosen to support him (enable) and I couldn’t allow my children, my FH or me to be exposed to their toxic behavior anymore…and yes her behavior is toxic too for being an enabler and my children looked up to her!!

If she comes around I will be there but until that moment comes I have no choice but to have no contact for my sanity and my children’s wellbeing.

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