Post # 1
So, I am having some family drama I’d like to get some insight on from various perspectives. I got married a little over 2 years ago (yeah, that’s right, I can’t quit the hive) and changed my name to my current, married name after the wedding.
Every now and then friends and family will slip up and still call me by my maiden name but this has become less and less frequent as we’ve been married longer and longer. Less frequent with everyone that is but my sister. I think she is refusing to accept my married last name!
My sister still calls me by my maiden name, addresses mail to my maiden name and sends e-mails to my old, maiden name address (which isn’t too big of a deal since it forwards but still). My sister is super against changing names after marriage and says she thinks I sold out/gave up apart of myself when I changed my name. And FYI- she knows for sure I chose to change my name. She just chooses to ignore/conveniently forget it at times.
So, I have some questions. Has anyone else dealt with this? I haven’t brought anything up to her yet because she can be a super drama queen and I was 1. Not totally sure it was purposeful until recently (she can be kind of absentminded). But after 2 full years…I am pretty sure she has gotten the memo. And 2. Not really sure what to say about it. Is it really that big of a deal? On the one hand I feel like she is not respecting my decision and on the other hand…I feel like I am making a mountain out of a molehill.
What do you think?
Post # 3
Women have been changing their names after marriage since surnames were invented. It has nothing to do with selling yourself out. If she is going to be that set in her ways, ignore her and do not acknowledge her attempts to harrass you, which includes sending back any mail that is sent to your maiden name. There’s nothing you can do to change her mind and you should not have to change to suit other people’s crazy demands or beliefs. Also, since you have been married for 2 yrs already, she seriously needs to get over herself and worry about herself instead of being judgemental toward others. Is it safe to assume that she does not address *any* female including her own relatives (mother, grandmother, etc) by their married names as well?
Post # 4
It sounds like an immature attempt to get attention. You didn’t sell yourself out, you got married. Her behavior is just plain rude and she doesn’t seem to have a decent response to it.
Post # 5
Unfortunately you can’t control anyone else’s behavior but your own. Can you say something really practical like “oh, I wanted to make sure you got my current address because the forwarding will be stopped this month.” And then give her a paper with your correct name and address? She may choose to ignore it, but at least then you tried.
Post # 6
Ugh. Like many things, deciding to change one’s name is an individual choice that women have. It is driving me crazy how we women judge each other for the choices we make – continuing to work after having children OR deciding to not continue a career to stay home with children…taking your husband’s last name OR deciding not to…these are all choices that we are lucky to have. Her judging you (which is what she is doing) for your choice is inappropriate at best, and barbaric at worst.
Sorry. Stuff like this makes me insane.
Post # 7
How annoying, why is it any of her business and why would she keep up the charade for two years. Can you close your maiden name email address? That’s probably what I would do, and then make sure the emails are bouncing back to her. If she asks about it just say “oh it’s been two years since I changed my name so I didn’t see the need to keep that account open anymore”. I thought about returning snail mail to her with “not at this address” on it but that might be a bit too passive aggressive 🙂 Every time she says your maiden name I’d just remind her that you’ve changed it. Surely she and everyone else will get sick of hearing you mention it, and she’ll get the clue eventually!
Post # 8
i think it is rude of your sister. while i totally respect her personal beliefs and respect her decision to not change her names, i think it goes beyond her realm of right to preach to you on what she does and does not condone in the sanctity of women’s rights.
does she not realize that her actions make her look like a hypocrite? what happened to every woman’s individual freedom to choose?
i would definitely talk to her about it and clear up any confusion she may have in thinking that she will convince you to take on her beliefs.
Post # 9
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I think your sister is being rude and disrespectful. But I also don’t think I would find it worth confronting her. You’re still getting her emails and her mail, right? If she calls you by the wrong name to your face, you can correct her. Otherwise, I guess you could always return any mail she sends you as “Unknown Recipient.” 😉
Post # 10
Wow. Just because your sister thinks one way doesn’t mean she needs to push her beliefs on everyone else. You need to tell that you see where she is coming from but you don’t think that way. I would actually feel disrespected if my sister didn’t call me by my married name.
I would tell her that when she gets married, you’re going to call her by her maiden name but you would like that she respects your wishes by calling you by your married name.
Post # 11
Hopefully by now you have chatted. I think it is important to express how you feel to your sister and tell her how it bothers you, and ask her why she calls you that- does she miss you and her as sistas before you become a wife? Maybe she is dealing with some stuff herself. I think it is important to share feelings, and ask her out of respect as your sister and for your feelings to call you by your new name. I think it will take time and she will understand- but it seems like she has some deeper issues she’s dealing with, so don’t take it too personal!
Post # 12
Um…does she call your mom by HER maiden name? Or anyone else? It sounds like she has decided to make you her personal sounding board for this issue. I would return all mail and e-mail sent to your maiden name, and don’t acknowlege in person if she uses your maiden name. Two can play this game. She has her beliefs, but it’s rude to push them off on you. If she’s married, I’d start calling her by her husband’s last name to see if she gets the point!
Post # 13
Thanks so much for the feedback. There aren’t that many opportunities for her to call me by my (maiden) last name so I sort of calm down/rationalize it between incidences and then get all fired up again each time she does it.
This past time she sent something to “Husband Last Name and Me Maiden Name” which for some reason bugged me more than when she just sends stuff or introduces me as “Me Maiden Name.” I think because she was obviously recognizing my husband/the marriage but ignoring the name change!
She doesn’t even believe in marriage so I guess I might be focusing on this a bit more since I am always feeling like she is taking little digs at my marriage. Boo!
Post # 14
I think maybe you can just have a frank talk about it with her. The next time she does it or the next time she takes a dig at your marriage, just let her know that you would appreciate her respecting your marriage and your choice to change your name. It doesn’t have to be a heated argument, just more of an FYI for her to start using your married name since that’s your legal name.
Post # 15
I’d tell her you feel she is being passive-agressive by not recognizing your married name. Expalain you understand and respect her beliefs on marriage/changing names, etc, and you expect her to understand and respect your beliefs and decision to change your name. Explain that each time she does it you are hurt and offended.
Post # 16
You should put a forwarding message on your old email. That way every time she emails you at the wrong email address it says something along the lines of
Mrs Married in May can be reached at her new email address: [email protected] blahdotcom. Please be advised that any messages sent to [email protected] may not be received
Or something like that. Chances are after 2 years the only people still emailing you there are your sister, and old mailing lists that you probably don’t need forwarded anymore anyway.