Post # 1
I have an older sister (my only sibling) who hasn’t been involved in any planning element of my wedding. I have asked her numberous times if she wants to come shopping with me/ has any ideas for favours etc/ I send her pics of jewellery to get her views/ ask her to come to food tasting and she always declines because she is too ‘busy’. She has two toddlers so I get that if she does come to an appointment then she’d have to get back home pretty quickly to be there for her kids. But her latest excuse is that she needs to do paperwork and admin so can’t find time to come with me for my make up trial. I haven’t really dwelled on it too much in the past and have just got on with my wedding planning on my own. But recently it’s been annoying me as when I show her my wedding outfit or jewellery or tell her about things I have decided on she makes negative comments. The latest comment was that my jewellery is wrong and does not go with my outfit. But in my head I’m thinking… “Well if you had been there then I might have bought different jewellery!!”. Also, she is the Maid/Matron of Honor and knows that all my bridesmaids are wearing white. She went and bought a really brightly coloured outfit which doesn’t match anything in the wedding and would make herself stand out more than me. When I told her this her response was that she will match her husband and children. After her comment about her important paperwork needing to be done, I told her that she hasn’t been involved in anything and that it upsets me that she’s not there and I’d really like her to come to some appointments with me. The conversation didn’t end well and I am being forced to fit my wedding appointments around her paperwork schedule. Maybe I should go back to my original plan of not letting it bother me and just getting on with my planning without her and biting my tongue when she then criticizes my decisions made in her absence. But I don’t want to look back in a couple of years and feel regret for not trying to get her involved. I suppose it’s her decision in the end and she’s old enough and intelligent enough to know when to prioritize what. Even if being involved in her only sisters wedding comes right at the end in her list of important things to do. I only have 6 weeks left before the wedding and still have loads to do. She has reluctantly given me one date that she can make but I would have to take annual leave on that date just so that she can do her paperwork on the day she wants to (I don’t have very much annual leave left especially with the wedding so close). Should I book on a day suitable for me but one she won’t be able to make or take up her offer of the one date she’s provided and just use my annual leave for her sake?
Post # 2
your Fiance should be doing wedding appointments with you. Your sister and BMs have zero obligation to help with your wedding. She’s busy, let it go.
She should buy an appropriate dress in the right color, however.
Post # 3
asianbird : I have an older sister (my only sibling) who hasn’t been involved in any planning element of my wedding.
Your wedding planning is really nothing to do with her. I’m not sure why you’re expecting her to go to appointments, tasting etc – where is your FI?
She obviously don’t want to plan your wedding and that’s totally fair.
Post # 4
I’m not sure why you think anyone besides you or your fiancé is obligated to help you plan your wedding?
Post # 5
I can’t think of anything I’d want to do less than watching someone else have makeup applied
Post # 6
I get that you are upset that she doesn’t want to help. I guess technically her involvement is not “required” but it would be nice for her to be excited and involved since she is an important person in her life and I assume you were very involved with her wedding?
But you can’t force someone to be interested in your wedding. If a BM/ Maid/Matron of Honor does not offer to be helpful then your only option is to deal with it or demote and replace them.
Ask your Fiance to go to all wedding appts except the dress. My Fiance even went to my makeup trial lol. Ask your mom or involve your Future Mother-In-Law. There are other possible options so you feel supported during this time. P.S. My wedding is in 7 weeks so our dates are close!
Post # 7
Thanks for the responses so far. I don’t actually care about my sister not being involved as much as I’d like for food and other general wedding stuff – but for wedding dress shopping, jewellery shopping and makeup (I’m an Indian bride so the jewellery is as important as the outfit) i’d really love to have her there. As my older sibling I’ve always looked up to her and trust her opinions. My Fiance can’t come to those things with me. The main point i’m trying to make is that when she sees the items I have bought she criticizes them, I start doubting my choices and having a panic. So I’d rather just have her there in the first place.
Post # 8
I think you need to lower your expectations. Her first priority should be her kids, not your wedding. Get your Fiance to pick up the slack. Its his wedding, not your sisters.
Post # 9
Thank you for your constructive advice – I really appreciate responses that help me to find solutions. Our dates are very close! I hope you’re holding up well
Post # 10
Of course I know kids come before my wedding. I didn’t say that her reasons for declining my invitations were in relation to her kids. Her reasons are because she is busy checking her emails and clipping receipts together.
Post # 11
Some people just really aren’t interested in the wedding details, especially if it’s not their wedding. Try not to take it personally. Maybe she’s got other stress going on that she doesn’t want to burden you with. Having 2 toddlers keeps her busy enough, and she probably doesn’t have a lot of time to check on emails.
I don’t know if you’re doing this, but it can be draining to constantly hear of wedding details. When my best friend got married, she was so indecisive about everything and she would constantly ask me and her other bridesmaids our opinions. It got exhausting because that’s all we ever heard about. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to plan the perfect day so we second guess a lot of things (I’m planning my December wedding so I know what you’re going through). Sometimes it’s best to actually not get outside opinions and just go with your gut.
I would also take some time to talk to your sister about what’s going on in HER life. Maybe she’s overwhelmed and showing YOU care may help.
Post # 12
That’s a really good point, she might have stuff going on that I don’t know about. We are both very girly and always fix each other up to look good so it is unusual that she’s not interested in things like makeup. Thanks for the tips!
Post # 13
It is not her job to be there. It’s your Fiance job to plan the wedding with you. I invited people with me dress shopping and when I picked up my dress to make sure things looked good. But if no one could have gone, I would have gone alone and it would have been fine. Because it is MY wedding.
I would never invite anyone to a makeup trail. That is boring a hell.
Post # 14
asianbird : Her reasons are because she is busy checking her emails and clipping receipts together.
Wow. Really? If she has any sense that this is how you think of her it’s easy to understand why she’s not interested. It takes a lot more than that to raise toddlers and run a household. As PPs have stated she likely has a great deal more going on in her life than you understand or are aware of.
She is not required to be your wedding planner. If you don’t like her comments on your jewelry, etc.–stop showing her. Ask a friend. Ask your mother. Ask your Fiance.
Post # 15
Lots of people do those things alone. No one is required to do them together (and for the record, some brides also have their future spouses help them with that, too – there is no rule they can’t, and you’re still allowed to get married if they do).
Your sister obviously lives a very busy life and she may or may not have interest in weddings, even yours. Lots of people don’t give a crap about weddings or their interest drastically fades once they have had one of their own and/or they have moved on to other phases of their life that keeps them busy – like kids. And not every female is super into wedding planning that they want to be involved in others – they might not even be into their own (like my one set of friends where he planned everything about the wedding because she was busy and didn’t care). I’m super into make-up myself, but I have no desire to spend hours on end watching my friends try on dresses or sit in the background twiddling my thumbs while they have someone do hair and make up – I’m busy and have my own stuff. Once you narrow it down to two or maybe three things, show me photos and I’ll offer you my opinion, but I just don’t have time to be dragged to appt after appt for other people. Even if I’m not busy – when I have free time it is my own.
No one (except your FI) is required to help you plan anything related to your wedding. If you really want someone else there, find a different friend who is really gung ho about weddings and has the free time and the will to do it.