- 7 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
I also always feel like she uses me. (Only calls when she needs something personality) It makes it difficult to be compassionate when she is always in need of a hand out.
@Anna10-05-2014: I’m sorry that you’re going through this *hugs*. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. Sure, your homeless shelter comment was over the top and rude, but I get that we can be mean when feeling frustrated/upset/etc; make sure your sister knows this. Your siblings are being completely disrespectful and going beyond limits; it’s not their house because they don’t live there, so they should respect the rules, and you’re in your right to enforce them. As one of the bees once told me “set boundaries kindly yet firmly”. Hope things get better.
I think this is something your parents need to proactively deal with rather than leaving you in the middle. They need to talk to your sibs and tell them that they can or can’t stay over. That if they stay over these are the rules and that you have the right to enforce them and even kick the sibs out if there is an issue. Part of the problem is that you are cloaking yourself in authority from your parents that your siblings don’t believe is accurate. Even though you and your parents have agreed on your rights, responsibilities and authorities, this has not been communicated sufficiently to the siblings.
And the parents should call them on just showing up when the parents go away.
I think there is a lot more to this story..
Oh wow! Bee finally made it easier to see OP’s follow-up posts! Woo-hooooooooo!
Sorry for thread-hijacking.
I think you’ve got your head screwed on straight. All of these other posters talking about how in their parents’ house this and that, blahblahblah… I get it, using our experiences to help people, but I don’t think a lot of these posters get that their experiences are not similar enough–these are YOUR parents and how they set the environment for THEIR children. You know what is expected from YOUR parents inside “THEIR” home and it sounds like you are doing a great job keeping within their guidelines. (The caps are more of a joke to me as everyone seems to think that you are unaware of who owns the home.)
I think you have a lot to be proud of in the relationship that you hold with your parents and the respect that emanates from your posts for them. You pay rent (probably less than elsewhere, so I can’t blame you for staying), but it speaks volumes to me that you seem to enjoy your time spent living with them instead of having to be free of them or whining about how you’re stuck there (which you say you are not, and I believe). For all of those calling you controlling, I would love to hear what they’d call me if I were in your situation as I’d be on their butts 24/7 if they acted so entitled with such little care for your place in the home, let alone your parents’ concerns for their stay. Your parents seem to have a guard up with them and you were willing to house them along your parents’ rules, and I can only applaud you for handling it as you are. For now, let your mom deal with it if you are worried about your relationship with them, but if it were me and my brother ignored my mom’s calls, I’d just pester him about how he needs to call her and respect their rules. That’s me though, and probably not the most mature way to handle things, but he is currently intruding inside you and your parents’ home by disobeying your parents’ rules. So anyone here who wants to yell at you for being controlling, is really yelling at your parents for how they govern their home as you seem to be only upholding their rules, which is obviously nonsensical. You’re on the right track, keep it up.
P.S. Family ties aside, as a paying tenant, you have the right to take issue with noise and cleanliness of common areas, but only can you control entry into your specific room/space unless you feel that your security is compromised–you may not have a lease, but you still pay rent for some things that are non-negotiables…
P.P.S. Also, what is happening with your brother’s apartment for so long? You should know in case they are fumigating for bed bugs or something, as things like that can transfer to your parents’ home and cause a huge problem.
First, different families handle things differently. For example, my partner could tomorrow decide he wants to move back into his parents house, adn move back in that afternoon. I could not. I guess if I begged and pleaded I could move in w/ my mom and step dad but I know it’d be for a finite amont of time. I could not move back in w/ my father (nor would I want to, but that’s beside the point). I never lived w/ my mom and step dad (she bought the house when she divorced my father), but I think of it as “home” in many ways. I don’t feel like I have a right to just show up at either of my parents houses whenever I want. I have keys to both, but would absolutely call first. I guess in certain situations, I would not call – like if it was very late at night and I was in teh town they live in, and then I would leave a note for my mom and quietly go upstairs (I live about an hour away from them).
Your sister sounds so much like my aunt. My grandmother refused to let her (and her 3 kids) move back in w/ her. It was just a rule. My aunt is very manipulative and also does not clean up at all. It’s disgusting. I’m sure in an emergency, she could have stayed. I think it’s very telling that they only do this when your parents are in another country!
Now, this all said, I can see why they think they can do this (in a way). You’re more on their level than your parents. Think of it this way, your parents are the owners of the company and you are a colleague, although perhaps more of a supervisor. The “owners” are away, so they can party, not work, etc. Okay maybe not the best analogy, but still. It’s not your job to clean up after your sister – but I get why you do. I can see (only from your sister’s POV) why she is mad at you – she probably thinks you are bossing her around. She may also think she has just as much right to be at the house (I disagree – you live there, pay rent, etc).
I say talk it over with your parents. They need to be firm with your siblings on the rules. Perhaps even change teh locks if that is what it takes
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