Post # 1
Alright Bees, so lately my sisters and mother have been on a “girls only” kick. They’ve been implying that we need more just girl time and have been excluding my husband from family events or at least TRYING to exclude him.
They claim this is all a way for us to be able to chat freely without men around. However, I have been invited to now a second family birthday event where my husband is being excluded. When I say I don’t really like the idea I’m met with complete hostility and told I don’t want to do anything apart from my husband.
Darling Husband and I are pretty inseperable, but shouldn’t your spouse be included in family birthday events? Isn’t it weird for them NOT to be included?
As a side note my sisters boyfriend (father of her 3 month old baby) refuses to participate in family events. He refuses to come for dinner, travel to some of our family who live in a different state, and uses their wood burning stove and dogs as an excuse not to be able to join in family events. I’ve noticed the “sister only” invites began around this time.
I’m sure this hurts my husbands feelings as he has indicated that he doesn’t feel like part of the family with my mothers side/sisters. This really bothers me as his family would NEVER exclude me in anything at this point.
Post # 3
Are there other men at these events? If it’s the whole family, including boys, it makes no sense to try to get girl time with you.
Post # 4
I understand the need for “sister” time. But the fact that your husband is excluded at a “family” birthday event is weird to me. He’s family!
Do they think perhaps since your sister’s husband doesn’t want to be there that your husband does not want to be there either?
Post # 5
That seems a little bit weird since it’s a birthday. It would be different if it were a “girls night out” or a day where you all were going shopping – but for family events it seems like he should be invited. Are there any other men there?
Post # 6
I think that seems totally odd, I have been included in all family events with my FI’s family, they will actually call me and tell me when bday parties are instead of him because he’s impossible to make plans with lol. So it seems really bizarre to me that he is being excluded.
Post # 7
I think there needs to be a seperation for “family” time which would include spouses and “sister” time.
Post # 8
Yeah this seems like a weird situation. It is totally fine to have girl time once in a while, but at every family event?? That doesn’t make sense. I would be offended if my husband wasn’t invited to stuff like that too. I would definitely explain to them that it is not about having to spend all of your time with your husband, but when your family has a get together, your husband should be invited. That is just normal behavior. I mean, it sucks that your sister’s Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t want to go to family stuff, but that shouldn’t affect your husband.
Post # 9
For my fathers birthday thing he’ll be in Boston for the day with my Step Mom and Half Sister cause she’s looking at colleges. My sisters were thinking of a surprise for my Dad but still…Why wouldn’t my husband be included in that?
The other trip my mother last minutes changed to a “girls” weekend because she claims my grandmother requested that for her birthday. I’d imagine my grandfather still being there, but otherwise I don’t think men will be invited.
Thanks for making me not feel like a complete nut job. I’m pretty insulted by these “girls only” invites and kinda don’t know how to handle it.
Post # 10
Yeah, it seems a little much. I mean, it’s not that your “inseparable” from your husband, but you’re married now, and you and your husband are a family. You’d expect the whole family to be invited to family events, not just half (i.e. you).
Can you talk to your mom about it? My mom is always a lot more reasonable than my sisters, so I know she’s more likely to listen to me. What would happen if you declined a couple invitations in an effort to show solidarity with your husband? I’ve done this a couple times, and while my family might be really dramatic or pissed off about it, they usually respect that boundary better after I stand up to them.
Post # 11
Hmmmm. This is interesting. I always get a separate invitation from my IL’s inviting me to family functions. I wonder if it has something to do with your family feeling like your husband is “taking away their little girl” That’s the only thing I can really think of. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
Post # 12
Thanks for the comments ladies, it’s made me feel a touch better!
These “girl” only invites started after my sisters boyfriend basically said he wouldn’t go to anything. I know it isn’t directed at my husband but how can we both not feel a little hurt by it?
I come from an old school Italian family who judges A LOT. They also take “no” as “you don’t love them” anymore and it grinds on my nerves.
I’m having a I hate my family day 🙁
Post # 13
@nskillet: You mentioned that they take “no” as “you don’t love them anymore.” Maybe you could talk to your mom and let her know that by telling your husband he can’t come (“no” to him), that he feels like your family doesn’t love him.
I think there can be a compromise- you can still have “girls” days, but there should also be times where the entire family is included. And maybe next time you are at a family event, have your husband reach out to your sisters and hang out with them a bit. Maybe if they realize how fun he is, they won’t keep trying to exclude him!
Your sister might be requesting the girls-only events so she doesn’t have to explain why her husband won’t come. So maybe by talking to your mom, you could get to a balance between the two!
Post # 14
Lovehappy, THANKS! I really appreciate this advice. However, my mother can be the instigator so I don’t think this will help much. I do think I need to be a bit more direct and if I get responses I’m not happy with I’ll have to learn how to cope with them!
Post # 15
I’m generally a fan of girls only events, given they are the right time and place. My mom and sister and I are going to the beach for a week this summer and leaving the boys at home. However, I think it’s strange that they want to do this for family birthdays. Although I guess if I was one of the few single women in the family I could see myself requesting an all girls activity for my birthday instead of hanging with all the other couples, just because it would be more fun for me (and I get a little selfish around my birthday, haha).
Post # 16
I really understand how you feel.
I am an only child and my mom is often asking for us to hang out “just us”. It is not every once in a while….it feels like all the time. I am ok with not having my husband with me every single time, I understand the value of “alone” time now and then…..but I don’t like that she implies that we will act differently if our husbands are not around. And I don’t like how much she wants it to be just us.
My husband’s family has never wanted it to be “just him”. I know mom-daughter and sister relationships can be different but still….it’s a bit much.
My mom really compartmentalizes her life. She will act different around different people and will keep some relationships separate. I have learned that this is not healthy for me and I don’t want to have “separate” relationships. I don’t act differently when my husband is not around.
I don’t have much advice just to say that I think you have every right to feel odd. I think it is 100% to have times where you DO have time where it is “just the girls”, but it shouldn’t be family birthdays or holidays and it shouldn’t feel like the “alone time” is more common than the “everyone” time.